Deliciously Naughty

Belle de Jour is a Cancer Scientist

One of the most widely read sex blogs of all time, Belle de Jour has always had a secret; the identity of the author.  Her books were all written without direct contact between her and the publishers, and were the inspiration for the "Diary of a Call Girl" series on Showtime.

Today she was unmasked as Dr. Brooke Magnanti, a 32-year old developmental neurotoxicology and cancer epidemiology specialist at the Bristol Initiative for Research of Child Health.

While I was never a huge fan of Belle's, I do have to say I'm doing a little dance at her unmasking.  Because she's been revealed as the exact opposite of everyone's stereotypes about call girls.  While I've known several escorts myself and have been railing against the stereotypes for years, there has never been such a public figure to point to and say "Yes, the sex trade can be harmful for some women, but for plenty it's not." 

Thanks for coming out and especially for showing the world that smart girls like sex too.

As I always said...

Fat can be sexy..

PPD and it's effect on sex drive

For some women post partum depression hits immediately.  Others, it creeps into their lives slowly.  And some of us are just hit like a ton of bricks.

I should have been happy.  I was finally home with my daughter.  She had been released from the hospital and she was alive.  She was strong. 

Maybe it was finally allowing myself to start to digest everything we'd been through.  My therapist certainly thinks I get to claim Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with regards to the whole thing.  In the moment you only react.  You don't process what you're going through.  I had so many parents say to me "I could never handle that."  The truth is that you handle the child you're given.  No one would wish for a child to be deathly ill, or to be diagnosed with a disorder or a disease or given a label that indicates their life might be less than perfect.  But if it happens, you deal.

So in the end, it really shouldn't be all that surprising that between my own predisposition towards depression and everything that happened coupled with the hormone hell that is life as a post partum woman that I just stopped functioning.  Over the course of a few days it became harder to motivate myself to respond to her cries.  I began to take care of her mechanically.  On the outside I was doing everything you're supposed to...giving her a kiss, telling her I loved her, changing her diaper, pumping breastmilk, giving her bottles, ferrying her to doctor's appointments and so on....but inside I felt empty.  I felt more and more disconnected from this little bundle of helpless and nonstop need. 

I felt alone after Sexyhusband had gone to work. 

I was lucky, though.  I understood what was going on enough to ask for help.  From family and from my therapist.  My dosage of antidepressants was tweaked.

I was isolated, not just from my child and myself, but from Sexyhusband.

There was one brief shining moment of hope, when at 5 weeks post partum I just decided I was ready to have sex, 6 week rule be damned.  But after that, it turned into a lot of handjobs, mostly out of guilt or because it was the easiest way for me to get to sleep, not because of desire.

When you have PPD, it's so easy to begin to hate yourself or to just not give a damn because you feel numb. 

I am a member of several online communties and there are plenty of members who had babies within days or weeks of my birthing the LM who say they still haven't had sex 7-9 months later.  Who have no interest.  In some cases, who are so consumed by their child(ren) that their husband is an afterthought.  I understand all of them.  I had to make a conscious choice to make my marriage a priority and I was lucky enough to have a husband who due to his own demons of depression understood exactly what I was going through.  Who could summon gratitude for a handjob.  Who made an effort back.  Not all of these women are as lucky in that regard.

But part of me wonders if they might also be suffering from PPD to some extent.

Becoming a mom, especially if it's your first child, especially if you hate failing (whatever that means in your book), especially if you don't want to parent by the norms of your socioeconomic status or current trends, is so overwhelming that it can blot out the sun.  I am certainly struggling to stay abreast of politics, something that was a passion of mine before.  Writing and cooking are things I fit in around everythign else, and often I don't. 

Marriage and a sex life require work.

Life isn't a fairy tale where it all works out if you just manage to find the right person.  Both partners in the marriage need to be committed. 

Throw depression or a partner who isn't holding up their end of the bargain and you have the start of a tragedy in the making.  It's not coincidence that at least 3 women in the community I am most involved in have confessed that they're considering divorce.

If you suffer PPD, know that there is support out there.  Even if the only support you want is to read the words here on a sex blog that it can get better.

It can get better.

Sexyhusband speaks #2: Pregnant women are sexy

I was planning to continue with the tale I was telling from Floating World, but right now I'm inspired to get up on the soapbox. I'm not sure what triggered this. Maybe it was listening to DN rant (yet another time) about all of the sex-starved wives in her pregnancy communities. It might have been the desperate ad I came across from a horny pregnant woman in Craigslist's "casual encounters" section. Perhaps it was hearing that one of our sexy, pregnant friends still hasn't found a way to connect with her partner.  Or maybe it was hearing my wife doubt her own sexiness just one day after The Best Handjob Of My Life. It could, of course, have been all of the above.

So, listen up - this is for all of the (past, present and future) partners and lovers of pregnant women in this world: PREGNANT WOMEN ARE SEXY.

Got that? Good. I've never shouted in a blog post before, but it seemed like the thing to do.

I just don't understand all of the people out there who can't see how sexy pregnant women are. It seems like a lot of people see a woman becoming a mother and stop seeing her sexually. Guess what? She's not your mother. Almost all of the time, she's had sex. And in many, many cases, she wants more. Who came up with this stupid idea that mothers aren't sexual?

I'm not just saying that as my wife's husband. Remember that sexy, pregnant friend up above? If she were openly and truthfully non-monogamous, I'd so be offering myself up (and, come to think of it, I'd bet DN would offer herself, too). But enough about my fantasies...

How are pregnant women sexy? Let me count the ways:

1. The physical changes. I'm not just talking about bigger breasts. They can be fun, but what about the increased blood flow to the clit? What about changes in her nipple sensitivity? What about a changing shape to adore and explore? It's like having your beloved and a brand new partner to discover at the same time. What's not to like? And, looking forward to third trimester, what better "excuse" do you have to try new sexual positions and configurations?
2. The (often) increased sex drive. This one isn't guaranteed (and typically doesn't kick in until second trimester). Before the medically wondrous anti-nausea medication, DN's sex drive went on vacation far, far away (and I, at least, don't blame it - while there are people into Roman showers, it isn't one of my kinks).  As with so many things in pregnancy, every woman is different. But if it kicks in... look out. I still remember the first week the anti-nausea drugs really started to work. I think we had sex every day. Sometimes more than once. To the point where my cock and balls cried uncle. In the end, I (and, eventually, we) couldn't keep up that pace. But boy was it wonderful to be wanted and hungered for like that.
3. Her mind. It may be cliché to say this, but it is her sexiest organ. DN's lies about "pregnancy brain" notwithstanding, it hasn't gone anywhere. In fact, if she's thinking about postpartum - when exhaustion is constant and intercourse will be off-limits for a while... she might decide to "store up" for that sexual winter and be more imaginative, creative and adventurous than you've ever seen. And even if not, unless you have other partners willing to pick up the slack when the time comes (and permission to take advantage of them), that sexual winter is in your future too - so take advantage of her sexy mind whenever the opportunity knocks.
4. No worrying about birth control. This one is especially true for our fluid-bonded partners. As a man, I really enjoy condom-less sex. Beyond the physical sensations, DN and I have discovered a welcome (and, for me, unexpected) spontaneity in our sex life. There's a reason she's looking for new birth-control options, but even if we find one there's something special about not having to think about the issue at all.
5. There's one secret I'll share with all of the biological fathers out there. She's your mate - in the most literal sense of the world. You're responsible for her condition. There's something deeply primitive, primal and animalistic about that. If thinking about that doesn't turn you on, I don't know what will.

Finally, I'll close with a favorite nugget of information we picked up at Dark Odyssey: Baby needs endorphins. Babies get endorphins when their mothers have them - they're one of the good things that cross the placenta. Those endorphins feel just as good to  (and are just as important for)  baby as they are for you and baby's mother. You know what causes endorphins? Orgasm. So have all the sex you can with any and all of your pregnant partners and lovers. After all, it's for the baby ;)

The Gloucester Pregnancy Scandal

I think you'd have to be living under a rock not to have heard about the Gloucester Pregnancy Pact, as it was initially announced in the media.  I hear the story went global, but if you have no clue what I'm talking about go here, here, and here.  The short version is that in one year, the average number of pregnancies at a high school in my home state quadrupled from 4 to 17 pregnancies.  Most of the girls were sophomores (making them 15 or 16) and reportedly many gave very positive reactions to their school-nurse administered pregnancy tests--such as high-fives or saying "Sweet!"  Several of the babies were fathered, allegedly, by a 24 year old homeless man.

Prior to this, Gloucester was best known as the home port of the sailors from the movie "The Perfect Storm."  It's a blue collar, fairly economically depressed coastal town in Massachusetts.

I am perhaps a bit late to the party in commenting on this, but I wanted to get more of the story before I jumped in and started armchair quarterbacking.

Initially, the story was reported as a "pact" by some of the girls to get pregnant and raise their babies together.  That story has since been denied, although I don't know if I buy into the vehement denial ("the lady doth protest too much?"). 

Both sides of the sex-ed debate have jumped on this story, both arguing if only they'd been allowed more access in Gloucester this never would have happened. 

Here's why I think both the abstinence AND the complete sex-ed people are wrong--if a girl wants to get pregnant, it's not like you can stop her, short of putting a chastity belt on her.  Abstinence-only education wouldn't have prevented a 15 year old from knowing how she can get pregnant.  My fifth graders know how a woman gets pregnant (even if there is a lot of misinformation mixed in there).  Teaching them not to have sex wouldn't stop them from having sex if they want a baby.  On the other hand, teaching them how to properly put on a condom or making the pill available to students is also not going to prevent pregnancy if the girls are going to avoid the pill and choose NOT to use condoms because they're trying to get pregnant.

Was it a pact?  No one can say for sure.  Knowing teenagers, it sounds like the kind of screwed up logic most teens would use.  I respect teens, but I will be the first to say that they don't have the best judgment. I don't think it matters since some of them obviously WERE trying to get pregnant.  You don't high five the nurse if you're shocked and horrified, nor do you shriek "SWEET!"

Was it "Juno's" fault?  Jamie Lynn Spear's?  Um, no.  "Juno" should have taught them that pregnancy is way above the maturity level of the average 16 year old and that it makes you an outcast and is completely NOT FUN.  Jamie Lynn Spear's pregnancy may not make a great case against teen pregnancy, but even the dumbest teenage girl should understand that having a baby when you're 16 is easier when you're a millionaire. 

Was it the school's fault?  They provide day care for teens who have babies, and it's perhaps less of a stigma there than in other schools.  I personally think it's commendable that a school would make an effort to help teenage mothers get their high school diplomas.  It's not like the school provides a monthly allowance to the mothers or provides them with luxury items and cars or any sort of real incentive.  Daycare is a small gesture, and Gloucester has much better teenage mother graduation rates than other districts.

I was a poor, lonely, under-parented teenage girl who lived in an economically depressed town.  I had a lot in common with those girls.  And I contemplated getting pregnant when I was in high school.  I wanted someone to love me unconditionally.  I wanted to have direction and meaning in my life.  I decided not to because as the child of a single mom, I understood how hard my life was as a direct result of my mom having me at too young an age.

I have sympathy for these girls.  They don't have an easy road.  As teenage moms they'll have overwhelming odds that predict that they won't achieve higher degrees, ever climb out of their current socio-economic bracket, and the odds also predict that they will have more children which will just compound the other issues.  That doesn't mean that they'll be bad mothers.

Being a teenage mother doesn't automatically mean that you're a bad mother.  I personally know a woman who had her daughter as a teen.  She would be the first to say that 16 is too young to have a child and then would back it up with a list of all the ways having a child made her life very difficult.  She would also say that she doesn't regret her daughter, whom she loves dearly.  Her kid is a pretty spectacular 15 year old.  My friend is the kind of mother I hope I can be-she's great with her daughter and her son who is now 6.  She also has a degree from Harvard, which she earned at a much older age than most of us, but that doesn't lessen the prestige of the degree or the effort taken to achieve it.

I wish these girl luck.  I hope that they find whatever they're looking for, and that they find the right path for them that leads to a happy life for both them and their kids.

To anyone who thinks Same-Sex Marriage=end of Hetero Marriage...

I was lucky enough to have been present in both Massachusetts and California on the day that same sex marriage became legal in each.  I happen to live in Massachusetts (which I know makes me a godless liberal, but let's move on from that for a moment, hmmm?) so being here wasn't any sort of stroke of luck-it was just being in my home state on a momentous day.  It was pretty cool that Sexyhusband and I were in California on June 17th-in fact it was the day before we came home.  We didn't extend our stay to be there on purpose, but by a confluence of lucky events, there we were.

In 2004, when gay marriage became legal here, I was a single girl who had not even met Sexyhusband.  I was an overworked first year teacher just trying to survive the last 6 or so weeks of school, but I took the time to watch the coverage and do a little celebrating.  The following year I met Sexyhusband and....gay marriage did not stop us from falling in love, creating a solid relationship, and getting engaged.  In 2006, the thousands of legally married gays did not impact my wedding (except perhaps to help determine the date--I'm sure I was competing with a few couples to get my first choice location), nor did they impact the love and support my husband provided as I went through the hell of back surgery.  My marriage will be two years old this summer and it is no less strong because a gay friend of mine has been married for two years longer than me.

I am furious that some Californians (and many non-residents of CA) are trying to start a ballot iniative to end gay marriage this fall.  With one pull of the lever they get to sit in judgment over other's marriages.  For people who say that GOD is the only one who can judge if  we are good or wicked, this seems a lot like they're staging a coup d'etat on GOD.  Who are they to make this sort of judgment?  What reasons could they possibly have to destroy families?

The reason I've heard most often is that marriage is for procreation and propagation of the species. 

Which makes me wonder if by their standard, my marriage was in trouble the moment I had a miscarriage.  How many strikes would I get before my marriage was invalid?  Three miscarriages (strikes) and then I'm annulled?  Is my marriage license only filled out in pencil until I produce a healthy child this fall?  And since I'm having a little girl, how many of them would consider it marriage lite until I produce the proper male heir to carry on my husband's proud last name?

Or we can talk about my friend N, who found out after a year of trying, that her husband could not father a child.  Is her marriage invalid?  Because they're having a child thanks to the scientific wonder that is a sperm bank plus intra-uterine-insemination does that get them a free pass, or are they breaking GOD'S LAW and thus doomed to spend eternity in hell next to Hitler and other evil persons?

What about couples that choose not to procreate.  How many years do we give them the benefit of the doubt?  If she reaches menopause, are they annulled/divorced automatically if there is no progeny?

If you base legitimacy of marriage on procreation, the situations I've proposed aren't that far-fetched.

I also hear that famous passage from Leviticus quoted to explain why gay marriage is bad. 

Does that mean you can have gay marriage if you're Hindu, Buddhist, Atheist, or any other religion that isn't held back by the Bible?  I don't know if you know this, but Hinduism has no such holy writing declaring homosexuality a sin.  Atheists are perhaps the most free as we don't have any holy writings at all to tell us what to do--we have to (gasp) use our own judgment about what makes us a good person--and personally I don't think that discriminating against others is the way to do that.

If you're Christian, I think the best rebuttal comes from Season 2 of the West Wing.  If you insist on following that choice rule from the Bible, what about the others?

Let's all take a step back from the hysteria and think about the following question...

Who are you to decide who I can love?

It's only been 40 years since the Supreme Court struck down a law that made it okay to ban persons of different races from marrying.  That's not in my lifetime, but only by about 10 years.  It's certainly within my mother's lifetime that the law changed, and she was of an age to have it affect her.  She grew up in an era where it was perfectly permissible to talk about whether or not it was okay to date a person of a different race, and to be told that if she did, she didn't need to come home again.  (This was not an actual scene from my family's history, but it COULD have been).

As a member of an interracial relationship, I can tell you that there are plenty of people who still don't think that it's okay for my husband and I to be together.  Some of those people, sadly, are members of my extended family, who also throw around the N word and other ethnic/religious/sexuality based slurs with ease. 

I can also tell you that being a mixed-race couple has some benefits--when we had to do genetic testing for any ethnic diseases, it was just to check off a box.  Coming from two such different ethnic backgrounds meant our daughter (and any other future kids) are at next to zero risk for any ethnic diseases since both parents have to be carriers and my husband had next to no chance of being a carrier for Tay-Sachs and I had next to no chance of being a carrier of Sickle Cell Anemia among others.  This, however, is the sort of discovery that only comes to light when you stop hiding your face in the ground.  Yes, it's a benefit to our procreation, but it has made for other advantages in our marriage as well.

Because my husband and I come from different backgrounds (ethnicity is just the tip of the iceberg) our child will have a wider viewpoint of the world and growing up than they might have experienced if we came from homogenous backgrounds.  My husband grew up much wealthier than I did, lived in another country as a teen, worked in other countries as adults, and had two parents in a solid long term marriage.  I grew up poor (on Welfare, not to put too fine a point on it), the only child of a single mom, never got on a plane until I was 20, took out frightening loans to pay for college, and came from a family that did not historically do anything other than blue collar work.  Ironically, we grew up not 30 minutes from each other.

A marriage is a combination of two disparate entities who are stronger together than they are apart.  Children or no children, marriage is about being stronger, better, happier than you are apart.  It comes with a plethora of legal and social benefits.  There are inheritance rights, tax breaks, and other legal rights.  It means you can be with your most loved one in the hospital in an emergency.  And when you're sick and alone in a scary hospital room, knowing the worst could happen, do you want your most loved one barred from you?

Gay marriage doesn't make straight marriage weaker.  What are you so afraid of, and why do you want to legislate hatred and discrimination?

When my daughter is old enough to ask, I won't have an answer because the truth is that I just don't understand it myself.

Blogging for Choice...a day late

It sucks that I'm a day late, but it couldn't be helped.

I clearly remember the first time I heard about about abortion, although I didn't know it at the time.  I was something like 9 years old and I was sitting in a movie theater watching "Dirty Dancing," and a girl named Penny "was in trouble."  She went to a doctor, who hurt her, and Baby's dad saves her.  But then she's too sick to dance, and Baby gets to dance.  Go Baby!  Nobody puts you in a corner.

The first time I understood the euphemism that "in trouble" meant-pregnant, and why Penny was hemmoraging-she'd had a back alley abortion I was probably in my late teens.  My jaw hit the floor when I realized that this light and fun movie had just used abortion as a plot device.

By then I'd learned what an abortion was, and was firmly pro-choice. 

My reasons for being pro-choice have changed over the years. 

As a teen, I don't think I ever really thought much beyond, "Old white men shouldn't have the right to make a decision about my body"

As I got older, I met young women who'd gotten pregnant.  Some had had miscarriages, others abortions, and one had had a baby and was raising it.  The abortions held a scary fascination for me--as much I supported a right to choose, I couldn't understand why you would actually have one.  Their reasons varied from---"I was 89 pounds and really unhealthy-it wasn't safe" to "I'd just gotten a scholarship to College X and if I had this baby I couldn't go--and what kind of life would that have been for either of us" to "The father abused me-I couldn't have his baby."

Having an abortion, I learned, was not a decision that any woman takes lightly, even when it's the right choice for her.

As I've watched those old white men make more and more inroads on the path to ending abortion, I've worried.  I've worried about what it means to live in a country where the state feels it can legislate the bodies of half of its citizenry.  I've wondered how the government can sit in its lofty position and damn me for the consequences that required two people, while letting my partner in "crime" so to speak, go free.  I especially worry about women in states like South Dakota where there is only one abortion clinic in the entire state, and it's only open like 1 day a week, effectively ending it.  And when I hear people like Huckabee talk about "fetal rights"--a practice that would have had me charged with murder for having a D&C once I began to miscarry, I can't help but feel my stance on abortion, which has wavered over the years (never to the point where I'd actually BE pro-life, but still) harden and solidify.

Having my D&C was like having my heart cut out.  I wanted my baby more than I can ever express in words.  But something went wrong, and it just wasn't possible--a normal fetal heartbeat is over 120 (infact, generally over 150) and my baby's heart was only beating 48 beats per minutes, a normal fetus grows and my baby stopped growing at 6 weeks and 1 day.  When I started to lose the baby, I finally took my doctor's advice and scheduled my D&C.  My body had been trying to end the pregnancy for 10 days and it wasn't working, so when the heartbeat stopped and the blood began, I needed it over with.  I've never posted this here, but after the procedure was done, they brought me out from under the anethestic, and I begged to see what they'd removed from me.  I couldn't see anything in that cup but blood, but I still had to say goodbye none the less.  I grieved, and part of me still grieves over the loss of my child.

The only thing that could've made it worse is if the police had then come knocking on my door to question me for the murder of my fetus.

Abortion isn't something anyone uses lightly.  It hurts.  It's fucking expensive.  And sometimes it's the right choice.

Keep abortion safe, legal, and available.

For this one post, I will use my power as Queen of this Blog and warn you in advance that all pro-life comments will be deleted.

Maternity Leave for Teen Moms

Sexyhusband pointed me to this blog, which in turn pointed me to this article. 

Our topic today?  Whether or not High School Students who are also new mothers are entitled to maternity leave.

Apparently, in Denver, Colorado, if a new mother does not return to school the day after she is released from the hospital (let's say within 72 hours of giving birth), any days she misses will count as unexcused absences and missing a week or so (while she's settling her newborn into her home) could result in suspension or even retention (being held back in that grade).  As a result, teenage moms often choose to drop out.

Yes, there are special schools for teen moms, but they have waiting lists.

As a teacher, as a wanna-be mom, and as a woman, my jaw hit the floor when I read the article.

As a wanna-be mom and former pregnant lady with an obsessive streak a mile wide, I can tell you that the body is not ready for normal activities immediately after birth.  The pediatrician cited in the article agrees with me.  Under the Family Medical Leave Act, you get 12 weeks, but not these high school students.  You are physically, psychically, and emotionally drained after birth.  To think that you could drop a baby and then go to Calculus is not just disrespectful, it's plain stupid.  And before anyone snarks that pregnant teens don't take calculus, I would like to mention that the only girl taking AP calc my senior year was one of the girls who got pregnant.  IQ does not always trump hormones.

As an educator, especially as one who has worked with "at-risk" youth before (mine were mostly gang members, but we did have a 13/14 year old who was pregnant), I can tell you that making their lives harder for no reason is not an incentive to go to school.  I would certainly agree that missing 3 months of school is cause for alarm (if only because it's impossible to catch up) but there are always options.  Most urban districts have what's called home and hospital tutoring, where a certified teacher comes to your house and tutors you up to 4 hours a week.  This would require a LOT of dedication on the part of a young, exhausted, new mother, but there's no reason it couldn't be an option.  We have a responsibility to these young women to help them try to reach for a better life, and giving them unexcused absences is not helping...at all.

I'm also disgusted with the principal mentioned in the article.  When asked if some young mothers could have a daycare so that they could be (a) moms trying to keep their kids in a safe environment nearby and (b) students, they were told that having a daycare option would just encourage other girls to get knocked up.

I have, in my circle of aquantances, a friend who got pregnant at 16.  She was a junior.  She had the baby and kept it.  She also went back to school, and was in classes all day, went directly home and took care of her daughter, and worked something to the effect of 20 hours a week.  She had no social life, no money, and no fun.  Her daughter is now finishing up middle school, and while she doesn't regret her child, she certainly regrets not having a life and not enjoying her late teens and twenties the way she would have had she not had to be a responsible adult.

Sure, there's a lot of media attention getting paid to teen pregnancy right now, thanks to Britney Spears' little sister carrying on the family's proud tradition of screwing up your personal life.  But let's be real for a moment.  I am willing to bet hard money that the states with the highest incidents of teen pregnancy are the ones who accepted the federal government's money with the abstinence-only gag that came with it.  I, for one, am not even remotely surprised that teen pregnancy rates are climbing for the first time in more than 10 years.

Here's a thought.  Teaching kids about safe sex doesn't actually seem to change the rate of sexual activity, it just changes the rate of SAFE sexual activity.  Study after study after study have shown that.  But the US Congress doesn't have the balls to say to parents, "Wake the fuck up, your kids are having sex."  When Britney's mom said the following about her 16 year old getting pregnant, I just slammed my head against my desk; "She was always in by curfew"--as if, what, it's impossible to get pregnant before 10pm?  Teaching kids how NOT to get pregnant would be a great start in reducing teen pregnancy.

Some girls choose to get pregnant (I could cite the reasons I've heard over the years, but let's leave it as generally trying to fill what they perceive to be an emotional void), but most wouldn't.  Having a kid, quite honestly, wrecks your social life.  And while I'm perfectly happy to have mine wrecked at the age of (almost) 30, no one really wants it at 17.  Having a kid is hard.  My friend can attest to exactly how much harder it was to have her first at 16 than it was to have her second at 27.

Accurate Sex Education, availability of condoms, and a more honest society could lower teen pregnancy rate.

However, this is Bush's America, and I don't see that hapenning any time soon.

And if we're not going to give them that, how about we codify in law that they can at least have time to let their stitches heal before we demand that they balance bottles and classes at the same time?

Dan Savage Responds

We all have our buttons, and Dan Savage is no exception. 

I didn't write that response to HARD. Not one skinny word of it. You see, D&D, two weeks before HARD's letter appeared in the column, I answered a letter from a gay guy with a fat boyfriend. Seeking A Solution, who described himself as outgoing and athletic, wasn't attracted to his boyfriend of three years. After describing himself as "stuck," "struggling," and on meds for anxiety, SAS told me I wasn't allowed to tell him to break up with or cheat on his fat boyfriend. So I advised SAS to drink heavily and warned him that sooner or later he would sabotage this relationship.

Readers—mostly female readers—were outraged: Before breaking up, before cheating, before drinking heavily, couldn't SAS try being honest? Why didn't I tell SAS to tell his boyfriend that the weight was a turn-off and that SAS was seriously thinking about ending the relationship if the boyfriend didn't lose those extra pounds? By not recommending a little honesty first—by pushing a breakup instead of a little heart-to-heart—I had revealed myself to be a cynical and heartless faggot.

HARD's letter arrived when I was sorting through all this outraged e-mail about SAS and I thought, "Gee, I wonder what would happen if I cobbled together a response for this hetero HARD from all this advice these women sent in for this sissy SAS?" The advice you read in this space for HARD—all about being honest and open (including those now-infamous conversation starters like, "You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?")—was written by my female readers. All I did was change the pronouns from male to female.

And guess what? It turns out that honesty—at least when we're talking about a woman's fat ass—isn't the best policy after all. Honesty about a partner's premature and avoidable physical deterioration is only fit for faggots, it seems. So what should HARD tell his wife? My outraged readers weigh in

Read the rest of the colum here and the additional letters and responses here

This post could be miles long if I respond to each of Savage's remarks.

The long and the short of it was that his posted column was not the real advice he gave Mr. Hard, but merely a stage show to prove his straight female readers up as hypocrites.

I don't view his rationale  as particularly mature, but then I can't really slap him down for it either, as I haven't always been the most mature person in the room, as evidenced in this post.

I do have to give Savage credit on several points

• Communication in a marriage is important
• Giving advice on this topic is a double edged sword
  • If the advice is that a partner has a responsibility to maintain themselves for their partner, he's going to piss off a huge number of people
  • If the advice is that a partner must unconditionally accept all changes, he's going to piss off people

Savage claims he just changed the pronouns from he to she and gave female reader's advice right back to them.  I don't know that this proves anything except large swaths of his readership are shallow. 

Let us examine his "real" advice...

So what did I tell HARD? I e-mailed him privately, warned him to ignore the advice that would appear in the column, and told him this: "Your wife—the weight gain, the hair growth, the moodiness, the drugs—may be clinically depressed or have some undiagnosed medical condition, both subjects you could broach without touching on the boner-killing fatso stuff. But, yeah, at 10 years together you have a right to expect that your partner will maintain some base level of attractiveness. That's not about sexism—I expect the same from my boyfriend—it's about respect."

I have to give him credit that he mentioned the possibility of deeper issues that HARD should take into consideration.

HOWEVER, it's the further remark about "base level of attractiveness" that raises my hackles.

Who gets to decide what a base level of attractiveness is?  Should it be whoever's standard is higher is the one that both partners need to maintain?  Does anyone else actually have a right to dictate another person's upkeep?

Personally, I believe that one should strive to stay attractive, but to one's own standards.  After all, isn't that part of what attracted your partner to you in the first place.  Do you like who YOU see when you look in the mirror?  It seems to me that if you find yourself sexually attractive, you'll exude sexuality and your partner will generally continue to find you attractive.

I understand that sometimes things happen and we do not always like what we see in the mirror.  But no one can make changes in your body other than yourself.  As someone who has tried multiple approaches to lose weight, I can confess that the only thing that would make me feel worse is my partner telling me that I'm not doing enough, that I need to work harder, or that I'm inadequate.

Believing that a change in a person's outward appearance will fix the underpinning causes in a lack of desire is naive at best.  I really do think that marital counseling or individual counseling would have been better advice.  Attraction is not just a physical reaction; at least in a long term relationship. 

We're all shallow at times.  I have former lovers who, by society's standards, are hotter than Sexyhusband.  However, none of them were capable of keeping my attention for very long.  Sexyhusband has had it for years, and continues to inspire new levels of sexual attraction in me.

As for Dan, I really feel like he was trying to make a point, but in the end came off looking like a bitchy queen. 

And Hard?  He claims that "I told her that I have needs that aren't being met and that she needs to step it up in the physical department. I also told her that she has to work a little harder at turning me on because my eyes and mind tend to wander. She admitted that she needs to do some work to feel sexier herself and that won't happen unless she makes an effort."  He then claims they fucked like bunnies.  I still find him fairly repulsive, and feel that his wife isn't getting nearly the right amount of love and respect that she deserves.

I worry more about Hard's wife than any of the three players.  I know a lot of women, including myself in the past, who would have had the same reaction from fear of losing the one man they think might ever find them attractive.  I'd saddened to think that this 10 year marriage might not make it to a 20 year anniversary.

At the end of the day, I don't think there's a lot of difference between gay and straight relationships.  The American standard of beauty is one of fitness and thinness, and anyone who doesn't conform is an open target for criticism.  Communication is important, finding your partner attractive is important, but so is love, and the deeper things that long term relationships are based on like respect, intelligence, and those individual quirks that made us fall in love in the first place.

This is a MUST READ

Any fans of the Fat can be Sexy posts-go and read The Fantasy of Being Thin by Kate Harding, who created the BMI project, basically proving what bullshit BMI is.

Et tu, Dan Savage?

I like Dan Savage's column, Savage Love, generally speaking. 

However, a letter last Friday touched on a raw nerve of mine, and I took some degree of issue with Savage's reply.

********************************

I love my wife. We've been married 10 years. Young punk-rock love turned into adult debt-ridden love. She's been there for me, helps me achieve my goals, all that. But she's let herself go, while I've gotten myself into better shape.

I pride myself on being a good husband. I've been 100 percent faithful, I clean, I tell her I love her. I don't want to hurt her. I love her. I just don't lust for her anymore. My wife's skin is a mess, she has dietary issues that cause gnarly gas, she eats bad food that causes her to gain weight. I always thought I was against the society-imposed, magazine-model, porn-star look girls are supposed to have. So it's hard for me to admit that I'm not cool enough to think my wife is hot the way she is.

I've started stoning to dull the fact that I'm hating on myself for not being hot for my wife. She's picking up on all of this, which is affecting her mood, self-esteem, and energy levels. And since she tends to eat more when things aren't going well for us, this is creating a hugely negative feedback loop on the weight-and-lust fronts.

When almost any girl you see is hotter to you than your wife... what the fuck do you do? When the desire to be with someone who actually turns you on is overwhelming... what the fuck do you do? When people you find attractive, women and men, hit on you all the time... what the fuck do you do?

Hawt And Royally Depressed

************************************

We'll get to Savage's reply in a minute.

I want to state for the record that this is exactly the sort of mentality that convinced me for more than a DECADE that as an overweight woman I was going to end up alone.  That I had to learn how to work around the disadvantages of my body, and expect that eventually I'd get dumped for a hotter model anways.

In some ways this guy is more damaging because, at least on the surface, he claims that he WANTS to be hot for his wife, but just isn't.  That just about sums up every insecurity I had from puberty until I met Sexyhusband.

What really burns my big fat sexy ass is that it is perfectly acceptable in our culture to say this, say it publicly, and get support from the community.  A fat wife is seen as a liability-something to be ashamed over.  Which just feeds in to the larger issue that our society refused to see fat women as sexual, regardless of how many hot sex fat women there are out there.  Once is a freak, twice is a novelty, but the hundreds of thousands of sexy fat women across the planet are no coincidence.

Because it fed into my insecurities, however irrelevant they are in my current situation, that was all I picked up the first time I read the letter.

I'll get to my conclusions after we read what Dan Savage had to say

*********************************************

Before you give up or drive yourself crazy over this situation, HARD, you need to have an honest talk with your wife. It's simple: Tell your wife that you no longer find her attractive. It's called being honest.

It is quite possible that she has no idea that her out-of-shapeness is a turnoff, especially if she has never been told! Try saying something like this: "Honestly, I love you, but I'm not as physically attracted as I'd like to be. Can I help you work out a bit?" Then perhaps pick up a set of weights at a garage sale, set up a full-length mirror in a spare room, and work out together as a couple. Or take her for long walks. Or, if she's a foodie, encourage her to garden; a lot of calories get burned when you fork over your own vegetable patch!

But start with complete honesty. It's not that hard to say, "You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?" My goodness! Whatever happened to being honest? Sit your partner down and tell her you love her in every way but you are not attracted to her due to her appearance. "You are out of shape and it's killing our relationship" is a good place to start! Stress how much you care, bring up the health thing, and tell her you want her to live a long, happy life, but impress upon her that this is a problem that might lead you to leave.

Open communication means revealing your thoughts so the other person can take action. Which sometimes means saying, "Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I'm going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you." The partner either laces up the running shoes or they waddle on with their life.

Good luck!

*********************************************

Well, gee, Dan, thanks for jumping on the "fat people can't be sexy" bandwagon.  And hey, why not jump on the "fat people must be too stupid to notice they're fat--they need HELP from the skinny around them" bandwagon while you're at it?  Finally, what the fuck is with validating the idea that sexual attractiveness is the most important (or only) reason to stay in a marriage?

You are right that honesty is important.

But, let us consider a few things. 

Could the weight gain and such be resultant of depression?  If that's true than all the working out in the world isn't going to fix the root problem.  Are there medical issues?  Among other causes, I have learned about all the fun side effects of infertility meds through some friends (some blog, some real) which include weight retention and gas.  Some dietary issues aren't easily controlled, and it's not like anyone chooses to have embarassingly smelly gas.  Why aren't you asking him about these further issues?

Secondly, forcing a woman to lose weight through fear IS NOT OKAY.  Let's make it a mantra--buying your wife dumbells so she can work out without her having asked you for them?--NOT OKAY.  Telling your wife that if she doesn't lose weight, you'll leave her?--NOT OKAY.  It's also stupid for you to even consider that it might be a sustainable condition.  Even if she does lose the weight, you have to know that there will be considerable resentment on her side, and eventually she might be the one who leaves.  Further, being that critical about your spouses body over the long term is a credible source of a "mental abuse" claim during a divorce.

Thirdly, it's never suggested that this is a delayed seven year itch that's conveinently being blamed on the wife.  Everyone has the urge to stray and Mr "Hawt" is just looking for validation, because dude, if your wife's a heifer, of course you should leave her and get new hot sex.

Finally, and perhaps this should have been firstly, at no point does Savage call a spade a spade.  Or in this case, an asshole an asshole.

This is a 10 year marriage.  One would hope that there's more to a marriage than sexual attractiveness.  While weight may be this guy's proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, I can't imagine that everything else is perfect.

And bluntly, if he is that stupid, shallow, and self-absorbed....well, I know a way she can lose at least 150 pounds in seconds.  And then she's welcome to come visit the DN house, where we know how to appreciate a woman with curves in all the right places.

UPDATE******************

Glad to see that the readers rebelled :)

From Dan's most recent column....as the genie said to Aladdin "He CAN be taught!"

Coming next week: What the fuck was I thinking? In last week's column, I told Hawt And Royally Depressed to be honest with his wife. She'd put on a few pounds—a few dozen—and he wasn't feeling it anymore. Some readers felt my suggested opening lines—"You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?" "You are out of shape and it's killing our relationship." "Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I'm going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you."—weren't helpful. Rereading my advice now, I have to agree: That's terrible advice. We'll have a full accounting in next week's column.

The Full Body Project, or Fat Can be Sexy, Part 2

By now, I hope at least some of you have heard about The Full Body Project, a photography exhibit by Leonard Nimoy, which featured nude women.  Currently on exhibit at the R. Michelson Gallery in Northampton, Massachusetts through January, the photographs feature nude women in poses that mimic famous pieces of art and photography.  It's stirred up controversy as most portraits of nude women don't.

Why?

Because they're fat.

Apparently Fat Naked Women are so revolutionary, so rare, so shocking that we rate media coverage, and not just because it's Mr. Spock doing the photography.

The New York Times covered FBP back in May when the pictures first started circulating, and NPR did 2 interviews with him last week (sorry, both are only available as an audio files) to coincide with exhibit and release of the book connected with FBP.

I had heard about this exhibit a while ago and filed it away at the back of my mind as something to check out when I had time.  But as I was driving home last week, I heard an NPR interview (the second link above) with Leonard Nimoy about it, and in hearing about it again, decided to check it out.

Sexyhusband and I drove out to Northampton yesterday, and found the gallery with ease.  It's right in the middle of downtown Northampton, housed in a former bank.  The exhibit is on the second floor, and as it was a quiet Sunday afternoon, we had the two room exhibit to ourselves for most of the time.

From the first photo on, what struck me was the ease and joy these women felt in their own bodies.  With the exception of one photo, they are totally nude in all of the shots.  In my favorite, their eyes look out defiantly at you, daring you to ignore them.  In others they flirt with the camera, and in still others they allow you to see into the part of them that has been hurt by the kind of society that wants to make them shut up and put some clothes on.

Tears welled in my eyes at least once, and I was filled with happiness, awe, and sorrow.  Happiness that here were women of size, some easily outweighing me by at least 50 pounds, nude, happy, sexual, and visible.  I was awed by the strength of personality and life that Mr. Nimoy showed in these images.  And I was so filled with sorrow that these women were newsworthy; that a fat woman who embraces her sexuality is such a rare commodity in our culture that she is a newsworthy oddity.

One picture that has stuck with me is of a nude skinny African American woman and her plus sized shadow.  It's a visual inversion of the mantra that "inside every fat girl is a skinny girl just waiting to get out."  This shot reminded me that the percentage of American women NOT on a diet at any given moment is microscopic, and perhaps that this picture is truer than the mantra.  Perhaps inside every desperate, paranoid, eats nothing she likes to stay a size 4 or 6 or 8 or 12 woman is a plus sized girl who'd be much happier.

For Sexyhusband, it was equally moving in a different way.  Having married a plus sized woman, he has witnessed first hand the ups and downs of my own comfort with my sexuality and nudity.  There are days when my confidence is high, and I can work an outfit or nothing at all like nobody's business.  And then there are days when I feel heavy, ungainly, unattractive, and everything in my closet only seems to emphasize those negatives.  I hope he'll chime in on comments, because he had a lot to say about sex, women of all sizes, and society.

We purchased the hardcover book from the gallery, signed, which was exciting.  Unfortunately we had missed Mr. Nimoy by only a day, but prior commitments (and the remnants of a hurricane) made the drive to Northampton an impossibility on Saturday.

The woman who inspired FBP was named Heather MacAllister, who unfortunately passed away from ovarian cancer this past February.  She started The Fat Bottomed Revue in San Francisco, and all the models are or were performers in this burlesque troupe.  In the words of a friend, she "literally saved so many of their lives. She helped people who were suicidal and felt worthless and showed them for the first time that they could be powerful and sexy, even if they were fat." 

Heather also notably once said "Any time a fat person gets on a stage to perform and is not the butt of a joke — that’s a political statement."

I only wish I'd had the chance to meet her.  She sounds like an amazing woman, and I now count her as one my sheroes.

As a side note....If you want a chance to catch some of these ladies in action and are near NYC, at least one of these ladies is in Margaret Cho's show called Sensuous Woman, now playing through 11/17.

Which leads me back to the blog post, Fat Can Be Sexy, which, hands down, has gotten the most responses of any post I've written.

I wish I could show these images to every woman who's ever hated her body.  Who has ever been stung by the words "overweight" "obese" or "morbidly obese" by a doctor.  Who has seen a cute outfit and then felt her heart sink when she realized it just doesn't come in her size.  Who has thought she'd never have sex because no one would want her.  Who has used sex to make someone want her because she can't believe anyone would want her on her own merits, so she's easy as a way to validate herself.  Who has ever thought that she'd reel the guy in with her wit, since her body was of no help.  Who has felt invisible as she watches television or movies because there are few fat women out there, and the few women you do see are usually the sexless best friend, the butt of a joke, or without romantic entanglements.  Who has despaired.

If you look, and I mean really look at these women, you don't just see their size.  You see their sexuality.  Which just proves that sexiness starts in the mind, and then moves into the body.  These women's curves are erotic, and I want to touch them, make love to at least two of them, and learn their secrets.  These are erotic high priestesses who have learned the secrets of sexuality, and know it has nothing to do with the numbers on the scale.

In short, these are fat sexy women, and they prove better than I ever could using words, that fat women can be sexy.

What is frustrating is that as I read/listen to the coverage of this exhibit, the writers seem to miss the point.  In the NPR interview I listened to (the Here and Now one), the woman interviewing Mr Nimoy makes the comment that she showed the pictures to a doctor friend of his, who said 'I don't see beauty, I only see morbidity.' (A doctor friend of mine, when I recounted that comment said "I really hate doctors like that who only see a diagnosis and not the person in front of them")  At the end of the NYT article, they make a point of noting that Mr Nimoy finds the fat women beautiful, but isn't sexually attracted to them (why? because he'd be a deviant for that?). 

The bloggers who have commented on the exhibit are far more erudite and interesting than the official articles.  Susan Stinson shared my annoyance at the totally pointless comment at the end of the Times article.  Fat Feminism shows several pictures from the exhibit and comments on her own emotional response to seeing these pictures.  Rizzo wonders if one of the reasons plus sized women are so insecure about their bodies is because men who fancy their body type have been mocked and are afraid to be forthright about it.  All excellent points, by people who "get" the exhibit.

In closing, although the chances that he would ever read this are microscopic, I'd like to address Mr. Nimoy directly.

Mr. Nimoy,

Thank you.

As a woman who has struggled with her weight and her perception of her own sexuality from adolescence onwards, the war to see myself as a sexual creature has been ongoing for over 15 years.  In one exhibit, you both validated that war, and you showed me why I fight for my sexuality.

Seeing The Full Body Project was a life changing moment for me, and I am grateful that you looked at these women and saw beauty.

Thank you,

DN

If you haven't clicked the links  yet, PLEASE go to the full body project site, look at the pictures, and come back to talk about how sexy these fat women are.

I never did like SPAM

I adore my readers. 

I especially adore readers who comment.  My ego purrs like a kitten when you comment and I love you more for doing it.  It makes me check out your blogs, and in a few cases has resulted in a "real life" friendship (although I haven't been fortunate enough to meet anyone in person yet, but there are people who know my real name and who I email privately with). 

I do not adore SPAM comments that are links to fake viagra, spam porn sites, and other lovely things I then have to waste time deleting.

This blog is now around 10 months old.  I spent the first 8 months getting maybe a comment or two a week, and it took several months for my first spam comment.  However, in the past month as my google rating has gone up, and my daily hit count rate has increased, so has the spam.  I'm now at a point where I'm banning multiple IP addresses and sending comments to typepad as spam every day.

As a result I've now had to institute a few measures that will hopefully cut back on the SPAM.  You'll have to enter a code so bots can't just randomly spam me, and an email address will also be a requirement.  If it gets worse, I may have to retain comments for review before I allow them on the site.  My big concern is an innocent reader without a firewall clicking on a spam link and getting a virus.

I've never been afraid of people disagreeing with me, and I've wanted to make it as easy as I could for people comment (whether it be positive or negative), so this is frustrating for me.

However, I hope that it doesn't inconvience most of you and that you keep the love pouring in.

Fat can be sexy

I've been driven to add a new category-Soapbox.  Something has been eating at me for a few days that culminated in an incredibly negative experience for me today, and I need to speak out.

So I talked to my doctor about the possibility of Sexyhusband and I starting our family in the next year or three, and wanted to know the risks because of my back surgery last year (will I end up on bed rest because my back can't take it, etc).  Her advice was to lose weight (even though it doesn't guarantee anything with regards to my back).  I wasn't so sure about this idea, especially since I'm relatively at peace with my body in terms of weight, and I'm working on my eating habits and exercise regimen.  But I decided to at least check out my options.

I decided to check out Weight Watchers since they're relatively well regarded for being successful.  I walked into a meeting today and was surrounded by negativity and self doubt.  Even the posters basically said "you'll be worthwhile when you lose the pounds" and all the "victory" stories read like "I was fat and no one loved me but since I lost 30 pounds everyone does."  I looked around at the room, and felt bile rise into my throat.  Not to be all New Agey, but there was a seriously negative feel to the room.  My body, which I'm generally happy with, began to feel like it was weighing me down.  The weekly card you get where they weigh you and note how many pounds you've gained or lost felt mocking and rather like public humiliation (the kind of thing we teachers occasionally do to a kid who never does their homework at we're at the end of our rope with them---"Again, Timmy?  Isn't that the fifth assignment in a row you've missed?").

I turned around and walked out, not bothering to stay.  No thank you, I won't be drinking the kool-aid.

As I walked out the car, I felt tear well in my eyes, and I felt the old revulsion towards my body rise up like a parasite, eating away at my confidence.  After a few minutes, thankfully, the self hatred was replaced by a blazing rage.

I am sick to death of "plus-sized" women beating on themselves.  Sick of it to the point where I just want to grab the next fat girl who whines about not being able to get a date or how awful she looks and SLAP her.

As of this second, I weigh 234 pounds-a high for me.  I wear a size 22 (occasionally a 20 or a 24) pant and somewhere in the XL to 2X top.  I have been buying clothes in the "plus sized" stores since I was in middle/high school, and have spent my twenties in the 200-225 range.  I certainly have street cred as a fat chick.

I get the whole body image issue.  I understand what it's like to be surrounded by images that reinforce that skinny is the ONLY way to achieve sexiness.  I too am horrified by the non-stop parade of faceless fat stomachs above the flashing words  "Obesity EPIDEMIC" and have a nightmare that one day it will be me.  Occasionally the non-stop message that I will only be worthwhile once I lose weight does get to me, or I see a cute outfit that just isn't available in my size (or attractive on my frame) and I have pangs of desire to lose weight.

My message to my readers (and the world)--When these messages destroy the confidence and self-worth of young women (and men) and they start to hate themselves, we've gone too far.

Yes, there are health issues associated with bad eating habits and extreme weight gain.  But you never hear that you can be 220 and healthy as a horse.  All you see is the scary word EPIDEMIC (like you can catch it by sitting next to me) flashing on the screen and people running in terror from the word FAT.

You can be fat and be sexy, attractive, and worthwhile.  But here's the catch---YOU have to believe it first.  And creating that belief in the face of all that negative stereotyping is daunting. 

Put down the kool-aid of self hatred and walk away from it.

The idealization of the stick figure is a new concept, and could only happen in a first world wealthy nation like the US.  The concept of anorexia and bulimia are unfathomable to your average third world citizen. (Person who doesn't get enough to eat--"You're telling me that they have food, but don't eat it or throw it up?  What the fuck is that about?")  Historically speaking-extra body mass was proof of your wealth-it mean you could eat. 

When you have a bigger body, you have boobs and an ass.  Most men like that.

When I stopped hating myself and accepted the radical notion that I could be hot, the world changed for me.  When I stopped hiding my body or trying to dress like I was 100 pounds smaller (or 100 pounds larger) than I really was, I began to find looks that worked for me.  I gained confidence.  With the confidence came the effort to really maintain my hair, the ability to apply makeup, the style to accessorize, and the skill to walk in heels.  I had dates when I wanted them, lovers when I wanted them, and significant others.

Ironically, in many ways, my looks helped weed out the idiots of the world.  I saw my skinny friends date guys who picked them up because they were stereotypically hot, and then wasted weeks on these losers who never even noticed they had a brain or any substance beyond the hotness.  Because I never tried to hide that I was "fluffy" (as one friend calls it), the more shallow guys self selected out of my potential dating pool, and I was left picking between one smart (usually) sexy (usually) guy and another.

As I began to explore the online sex world, I realized exactly how many BBW (big beautiful woman) call girls there are, and they're making money hand over fist.  Once you see that, it's hard to say that men don't like big girls.  As for bigger guys-I have known very few women who would dump a guy for being fat--being clingy, being possessive, having a ridiculously small dick, being stupid, refusing to have a real job, not treating us well--all valid reasons to dump a guy. 

In many ways, the lesson of my almost 30 years on this planet is thus-you get what you expect.  Expect to get walked all over, and you will be.  Expect to be treated with dignity, and call people on it if you're not, and you will be.  Don't hide behind your weight.  If you don't like it, do something about it.  If, like me, you like your chocolate and your steaks and your heavy foods and aren't willing to go through life on rice cakes and tofu, accept and embrace yourself.  Be at peace with yourself-life's too short to waste time on self hatred. 

Learn to love yourself, just as you are. 

There's no reason you can't be fat and sexy at the same time.

Soapbox over for today.