I like Dan Savage's column, Savage Love, generally speaking.
However, a letter last Friday touched on a raw nerve of mine, and I took some degree of issue with Savage's reply.
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I love my wife. We've been married 10 years. Young punk-rock love turned into adult debt-ridden love. She's been there for me, helps me achieve my goals, all that. But she's let herself go, while I've gotten myself into better shape.
I pride myself on being a good husband. I've been 100 percent faithful, I clean, I tell her I love her. I don't want to hurt her. I love her. I just don't lust for her anymore. My wife's skin is a mess, she has dietary issues that cause gnarly gas, she eats bad food that causes her to gain weight. I always thought I was against the society-imposed, magazine-model, porn-star look girls are supposed to have. So it's hard for me to admit that I'm not cool enough to think my wife is hot the way she is.
I've started stoning to dull the fact that I'm hating on myself for not being hot for my wife. She's picking up on all of this, which is affecting her mood, self-esteem, and energy levels. And since she tends to eat more when things aren't going well for us, this is creating a hugely negative feedback loop on the weight-and-lust fronts.
When almost any girl you see is hotter to you than your wife... what the fuck do you do? When the desire to be with someone who actually turns you on is overwhelming... what the fuck do you do? When people you find attractive, women and men, hit on you all the time... what the fuck do you do?
Hawt And Royally Depressed
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We'll get to Savage's reply in a minute.
I want to state for the record that this is exactly the sort of mentality that convinced me for more than a DECADE that as an overweight woman I was going to end up alone. That I had to learn how to work around the disadvantages of my body, and expect that eventually I'd get dumped for a hotter model anways.
In some ways this guy is more damaging because, at least on the surface, he claims that he WANTS to be hot for his wife, but just isn't. That just about sums up every insecurity I had from puberty until I met Sexyhusband.
What really burns my big fat sexy ass is that it is perfectly acceptable in our culture to say this, say it publicly, and get support from the community. A fat wife is seen as a liability-something to be ashamed over. Which just feeds in to the larger issue that our society refused to see fat women as sexual, regardless of how many hot sex fat women there are out there. Once is a freak, twice is a novelty, but the hundreds of thousands of sexy fat women across the planet are no coincidence.
Because it fed into my insecurities, however irrelevant they are in my current situation, that was all I picked up the first time I read the letter.
I'll get to my conclusions after we read what Dan Savage had to say
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Before you give up or drive yourself crazy over this situation, HARD, you need to have an honest talk with your wife. It's simple: Tell your wife that you no longer find her attractive. It's called being honest.
It is quite possible that she has no idea that her out-of-shapeness is a turnoff, especially if she has never been told! Try saying something like this: "Honestly, I love you, but I'm not as physically attracted as I'd like to be. Can I help you work out a bit?" Then perhaps pick up a set of weights at a garage sale, set up a full-length mirror in a spare room, and work out together as a couple. Or take her for long walks. Or, if she's a foodie, encourage her to garden; a lot of calories get burned when you fork over your own vegetable patch!
But start with complete honesty. It's not that hard to say, "You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?" My goodness! Whatever happened to being honest? Sit your partner down and tell her you love her in every way but you are not attracted to her due to her appearance. "You are out of shape and it's killing our relationship" is a good place to start! Stress how much you care, bring up the health thing, and tell her you want her to live a long, happy life, but impress upon her that this is a problem that might lead you to leave.
Open communication means revealing your thoughts so the other person can take action. Which sometimes means saying, "Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I'm going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you." The partner either laces up the running shoes or they waddle on with their life.
Good luck!
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Well, gee, Dan, thanks for jumping on the "fat people can't be sexy" bandwagon. And hey, why not jump on the "fat people must be too stupid to notice they're fat--they need HELP from the skinny around them" bandwagon while you're at it? Finally, what the fuck is with validating the idea that sexual attractiveness is the most important (or only) reason to stay in a marriage?
You are right that honesty is important.
But, let us consider a few things.
Could the weight gain and such be resultant of depression? If that's true than all the working out in the world isn't going to fix the root problem. Are there medical issues? Among other causes, I have learned about all the fun side effects of infertility meds through some friends (some blog, some real) which include weight retention and gas. Some dietary issues aren't easily controlled, and it's not like anyone chooses to have embarassingly smelly gas. Why aren't you asking him about these further issues?
Secondly, forcing a woman to lose weight through fear IS NOT OKAY. Let's make it a mantra--buying your wife dumbells so she can work out without her having asked you for them?--NOT OKAY. Telling your wife that if she doesn't lose weight, you'll leave her?--NOT OKAY. It's also stupid for you to even consider that it might be a sustainable condition. Even if she does lose the weight, you have to know that there will be considerable resentment on her side, and eventually she might be the one who leaves. Further, being that critical about your spouses body over the long term is a credible source of a "mental abuse" claim during a divorce.
Thirdly, it's never suggested that this is a delayed seven year itch that's conveinently being blamed on the wife. Everyone has the urge to stray and Mr "Hawt" is just looking for validation, because dude, if your wife's a heifer, of course you should leave her and get new hot sex.
Finally, and perhaps this should have been firstly, at no point does Savage call a spade a spade. Or in this case, an asshole an asshole.
This is a 10 year marriage. One would hope that there's more to a marriage than sexual attractiveness. While weight may be this guy's proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, I can't imagine that everything else is perfect.
And bluntly, if he is that stupid, shallow, and self-absorbed....well, I know a way she can lose at least 150 pounds in seconds. And then she's welcome to come visit the DN house, where we know how to appreciate a woman with curves in all the right places.
UPDATE******************
Glad to see that the readers rebelled :)
From Dan's most recent column....as the genie said to Aladdin "He CAN be taught!"
Coming next week: What the fuck was I thinking? In last week's column, I told Hawt And Royally Depressed to be honest with his wife. She'd put on a few pounds—a few dozen—and he wasn't feeling it anymore. Some readers felt my suggested opening lines—"You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?" "You are out of shape and it's killing our relationship." "Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I'm going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you."—weren't helpful. Rereading my advice now, I have to agree: That's terrible advice. We'll have a full accounting in next week's column. 
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