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Podcast #3 Masturbation
Podcast Text
I'm Deliciously Naughty, and welcome to this week's podcast.
To start the podcast, I'll be answering some questions sent to me by Erotic Ramblings. He wanted to know what amazing fantasy I had that didn't turn out so well in real life, what could've made it mind blowing, and if I'd try it again under the right circumstances.
I'd have to say that the biggest sexual fantasy letdown I've had is sex abroad. I told the story back in January on the blog, but I'll retell it here.
When I was 20, I did one of the most stupid things I have ever done, sexually speaking.
I was in Southern France on vacation. The Queen Bee and I had decided that my vacation wouldn't be complete without some Hot French Sex with a Random Hot French Guy. I was living with a host family, and I had only one long weekend to go and play on my own. Therefore, that had to be the weekend I hooked up with Random Hot French Guy.
I took the train to a little town on the Riviera. I checked into a hotel and then began to explore the town. I wandered the streets until I heard a guy call down to me. I looked up and there were two guys on a balcony above me. One was a little too Fabio for me (longish blonde hair, overly tan, overly muscled) but the other was pretty cute (brown hair, lanky build). We had some inane conversation with them calling down to me and me shouting back to them.
Then they invited me up.
I went upstairs.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
There was a third guy up there in the bachelor pad. They offered me alcohol, which I took. They offered me a joint, which I declined. Then Fabio (who was the least hot of the three guys, at least to me) made some gesture towards the bedroom.
I had a moment where I considered leaving. Cute guy didn't really seem into me, the third guy was just stoned, and I just wasn't attracted to Fabio. But it was my one chance to nail a French guy. My desire to not have sex with Fabio warred with my self inflicted shame at the idea of going home chaste.
I went into the bedroom.
We started to get naked. Fabio stripped down to....a speedo bikini brief. A red speedo bikini brief. A bikini brief so red it is still seared into my retinas while the particulars of Fabio's face have long since faded.
I asked myself again if I really wanted to fuck this guy. I didn't. But we're naked and I've never been in a situation where I'm naked and don't want to fuck. So I took the easy way out without actually having sex. I blew Fabio.
The event was blessedly short.
Fabio got up and told me that he'd be right back and I should stay there. He walked out and I lay there for a moment pondering exactly what I'm going to do, when the hot guy came into the room.
Hot Guy reaches down and grabs his dick through his jeans and raises an eyebrow at me.
Disgusted, I get up and finally leave.
Stoned guy is still sitting there toking and doesn't even look up as I leave. (Waiting his turn?)
I speedwalked back to my hotel. When I got into the room, I began to shake, realizing what could have happened to me. I have never been as stupid when it came to my sexual safety as I was that day.
The lesson? Listen to your instincts. My instincts were telling me to get the hell out. I didn't and I'm lucky that all that happened was a blow job I didn't really want to give.
What would've made it mind blowing would have been the absence of Fabio, and if Hot Guy had put the moves on me first. I think if I'd met a guy in a club or a bar and gone home and had one on one sex instead, it also might have been great.
Would I try it again under the right circumstances? Well, I wasn't married at the time so that certainly does change the landscape a bit. I would consider having a threesome with a French woman without a second thought. Sexyhusband has said he's open to the idea of a threesome with a guy, and I doubt he'd care what nationality the guy is. One on one sex with another guy would be a difficult to negotiate, and I doubt I'd like the terms. Were I single, I would certainly try to hook up my next time abroad.
The idea of a deep British voice whispering naughty nothings to me (or Italian, or Irish, or French, or Russian, or Brazilian, or Jamaican...well, you get the idea) is so hot that I'm glancing longingly at my vibrator right now.
Great questions, and keep them coming!
This week I'd like to talk about masturbation.
They say that no one can love you until you love yourself. Obviously the actual meaning of this saying is something different, but I'm choosing to interpret it sexually. Masturbation is key to learning what you like or don't like.
As a teen, especially with all the hormones raging, I think it's a much better idea to encourage self discovery than for them to jump prematurely into sex. It also allows for sexual release without any chance of pregnancy. I remember being a high school sophomore in '94 when Dr. Jocelyn Elders (the Surgeon General at the time) was asked whether it would be appropriate to promote masturbation as a way of convincing young adults not to have sex, and she replied, "I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught." She lost her job over what is perhaps the most sensible on-record comment ever to be made about masturbation. But then we get back into how fucked up US sex education is, and I can only beat that dead horse so often.
As adults we use masturbation for many results. I personally do it if I'm having trouble sleeping, if I just want a fast orgasm, if I'm bored, to relieve my menstrual cramps, if I'm horny and no one's around to do something about it, if I've read something or seen something sexy that's got me in the mood, to kill time, or because I haven't in awhile. Sexyhusband uses it as a substitute for when I'm not in the mood, to relieve stress, and for many of the same reasons I do.
Even in a committed relationship, masturbation is important. Yes, your partner is now your primary source of sexual fulfillment, but they shouldn't be the only source. It's significantly more common for women to stop masturbating once they're in relationships than for guys, but my theory is that it's because there's a certain stigma to it.
Off the top of your head, how many euphemisms can you think up to describe male masturbation? I know I can think of 10 to 20 without any effort and probably could spend all day listing them. Now what about women? I can think of only a hand full.
For women, orgasm wasn't the goal of intercourse until the 20th century. The goal was to get pregnant, period. At least for the "good girls." In the 20th century, most of the memoirs I've read have said that male manipulation of your clit was the way to keep your technical virginity, but I haven't found a lot of memoirs (other than Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady) that mention it as an end to itself. This isn't because I think they weren't doing it, it's because it wasn't something that you could talk about. The sexual release of the 70's opened the floodgates, as it were, to a discussion of female orgasm and sexual satisfaction.
I was lucky enough to grow up hearing songs like "Express Yourself" by Madonna and the much more explicit "Touch Myself" by the Divinyls, along with songs Prince, Salt 'N Pepa, and other acts that advocated and normalized self-love and sexual openness.
This did not, however, make me more open about masturbation. I discovered the clitoral orgasm by accident with a shower head, and thus began a torrid romance with it. I abandoned my former lover for my right index finger once I realized I could have a more intense orgasm that way. But these sessions were in the bathroom with the door locked, or in my bedroom with the door locked and my covers up to my chin.
A point of weirdness-I still prefer to masturbate under the covers. It irritates Sexyhusband to no end.
A big fan of more bang for less effort, I found my first BOB (battery operated boyfriend) in college. It was a purple, hard plastic vibe, and I adored it. I adored it so much that I killed the poor purple passion provider within six months. I went back to the store, and discovered two things that would change my life forever-the rabbit and the silver bullet.
The silver bullet allows me to be laziest about masturbation. I just lay back, position it snugly against my clit, tighten my thighs to keep it in place and roll the intensity dial. I rotate my hips, close my eyes and plunge into fantasy. I've got it down to a science where I can come in less than 5 minutes, which rocks if I'm in a hurry. I can also string it out for some time, if that's the goal.
The rabbit requires more concentration, direction and loving care, but in return gives me multiple orgasms. I have the model with the rotating pearls, and once I'm coming and my body is clenching, the pearls stimulated the g-spot, sending me onto my second, third and sometimes fourth orgasms. I've come so hard from my rabbit that I've almost blacked out. Because of this, I couldn't help but snicker at the episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte gets a rabbit and pretty much refuses to leave her house. I could relate.
I think perhaps the best thing about masturbation is that it's selfish. There have been many a time during a sexual encounter when I've gotten off and my partner is taking awhile to finish, and I hate to confess it, but I get bored and just want it over with. Sex with another person requires that you take their sexual preferences and fantasies into account even if they may not always be your favorites or what you're in the mood for. In fact, nothing can kill the mood more than if one person is in the mood to be called a dirty little slut and the other person is in the mood for gentle loving sex. You HAVE to sync up with your partner. Masturbation gets rid of all that. You indulge in the fantasy you want for as long as you want and then you stop.
This is not to say that I prefer masturbation to sex. I'd give up masturbation if I had to pick between the two. When you're single, there are points where masturbation can make you feel lonely, especially if you're not a virgin. When I was a virgin and masturbation I'd fantasize about what it would feel like to have a man inside me, on top of me, touching me, but I didn't really know what it felt like. When I hit a dry spell, it could be hell at times because I didn't really want a vibrator, I wanted a man. Sure, I would occasionally turn it into a one night stand, but those weren't ultimately satisfying-more like you're starving and masturbation is bread and water, and a one night stand is a box of Chicken McNuggets when what you're craving is a nice juicy steak.
In the end, masturbation can run the gamut from not terribly satisfying to incredibly satisfying. It can allow you to work through fantasies to see if they actually turn you on, or to explore fantasies that you wouldn't go through with in real life, or to relive old favorites. It can provide release and enjoyment. It is however, in the end, the most reliable method of sexual satisfaction. Unless you've broken in, your hand will never not be in the mood, and there's something to be said about that.
This has been a Deliciously Naughty Podcast. Have an erotic evening.
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