Deliciously Naughty

Pregnant BDSM

I am loathe to talk about this topic as I am hardly an expert.  However, I had a hell of a time finding the kind of information I wanted and needed, so I am offering my experiences and the advice I received up for public consumption. 

***************Disclaimer***********************

This is by no means a comprehensive discussion and you should do research on your own and discuss with your partner what boundaries and lines YOU are comfortable with.  I am not a medical professional, and I take no responsibility or liability for results of activities discussed herein.  

***************Body Parts and BDSM*********************

Let's review the pregnant body and potential areas of risk/controversy, shall we?

Breasts

In pregnancy, your breasts often swell at least a single cup size, and often more than one due to the development of milk ducts.  There is a great deal of controversy about what you can do, should do, and should abstain from doing BDSM with during pregnancy.  I have heard that rope bondange and impact play can damage the developing ducts if done incorrectly, and that restricting blood flow because of tight rope bondage can affect your blood pressure.  I have also been told that the ducts are covered by enough fat that neither impact play nor bondage should actually rupture or injure a developing milk duct.  The second opinion was given more often than the first, but overall the opinions broke down 1/3 to about 2/3rd in favor of breast play being okay.

HOWEVER...and this is different for every woman....but....

My breasts were super sore almost from the second that the word positive flashed on my pregnancy test.  A soft caress was torture, and I didn't want Sexyhusband ANYWHERE near them until almost the end of the first trimester.  You should think about how much your breasts can handle, and be aware that it will change throughout the pregnancy.

I found that my nipples were MUCH more sensitive, and while I was never a fan of nipple clamps prior to pregnancy, I can't imagine using them at this point.  If you do use them, I'd suggest using a lighter touch and a shorter time limit (safety dictates about a 20 minute max under normal circumstances...I'd suggest no more than 5-10 for a pregnant woman).  As the second trimester progressed, the sensitivity has lessened a bit, but is still significantly higher for me than prior to my pregnancy.  Another thing to factor in when considering using nipple clamps is the colostrum factor...my breasts began discharging colostrum around the second trimester, but for some women this can start much earlier or later than that.  I would imagine, however, that the colostrum could make your nipples much more difficult to clamp, depending on the clamp, and might make them more slippery...and one of the most painful things I've ever had happen with nipple clamps is feeling one pop off.  You might want to use something like clothespins or metal clamps to get a better grip than something tipped in rubber that could slide off.

When it comes to bondage, I think that your level of experience should dictate how much you do it while pregnant as well as the tenderness of your breasts.  Sexyhusband and I are very much novices at rope bondage--in fact, a friend had only taught us a basic chest harness the weekend I conceived the little girl and we found out about the pregnancy approximately 2 weeks later.  For us, it wasn't a smart move to continue to play with rope bondage because we just aren't experienced enough to make good judgment calls.  I think, however, if you've been doing it for long enough that you feel confident making judgment calls about how tightly you're binding the breasts, then you are probably fine to decide for yourself on this.

As for impact play, I decided that erring on the side of caution made sense for us.  We are effectively still novices at BDSM and with the sensitivity factored in, it just didn't seem like a safe area to play with.

Belly

Your belly obviously undergoes the majority of the physical changes when pregnant.  Your muscles stretch as the baby grows.  Your stomach and other organs are shifted up to make way for the growing uterus, so not everything is where it normally is.  See below....

 

During the third trimester, the stomach muscles even split apart to allow for the final development of the fetus. 

Corsets should not be worn during pregnancy, unless you are wearing a maternity corset that does not constrict your abdomen.  It is interesting to note that post-partum is one of the few times when a training corset can actually reshape your rib cage to help create the desirable hourglass shape.  This is because your rib cage needs to return to it's original place after opening up a bit in the third trimester...and you can convince it to become smaller. 

I'm not entirely clear as to the safety of overbust corsets when you're nursing.  I do know that you're not supposed to wear under wire bras because they can cause plugged ducts and mastitis.  I imagine that the boning in corsets could be equally problematic.  I am, however, planning to occasionally use my underbust corset while nursing.  Just info for you to know.

Impact play is not something you probably ever want to engage in with the stomach.  However, this article talks about the issues surrounding impact during pregnancy.  Basically, the harder you're hit, the more you're risking a placental abruption, which could mean early delivery and possible death the fetus.  Don't do it.  Period.  There was full consensus on this one.

Rope Bondage in pregnancy was a bit more tricky.  I was told by a midwife not to do it because it could/would cut off flow to the fetus.  I was, however, told by an EMT that it's all about knot placement and just not to do it too tightly.  There was also at least one or two presenters at DO/FW who said they didn't think it was harmful.

Again, I'm going to say that you're going to have to make your own call, and you should largely make it upon careful reflection of your skill level.  I would strongly caution you to put fishing line behind at least one rope so that in an emergency you can tug on the fishing line to have easy access to cut through the rope.  Keep your scissors handy.  In this case, my decision to avoid rope bondage was a combination of inexperience, and that I took the advice of the midwife as being the most expert in this particular area. 

When topping, just be careful that you don't smack yourself in the belly on your swing or follow through.

Inner Thighs

I was told by the same midwife cited in the last section that the inner legs, especially the inner thighs were called "the valley of clots" and that impact there during pregnancy could cause a clot to break loose and cause serious damage to the mother.  I will say that I haven't found a lot of data to support this, except an article here about pregnancy massage that notes about halfway down that "During pregnancy, the veins that might harbor these thromboemboli or deep vein thrombosis (DVT) are the iliac, femoral and saphenous veins of the inner thigh."

I was told by the EMT cited in the breast section that biting is fine and poses no risk, but he was the only person to bring up biting.  I met him working as DM (dungeon monitor) at FW, so I would assume that he is correct.

Personally, I don't go in for a lot of play on my inner thighs as they're ticklish so I can't speak to this. 

The Back

Guess what?  Nothing happens to your back during pregnancy.  Have fun! 

Well, not quite nothing...after week 16 or so of your pregnancy, you are not allowed to lay on your back because the weight of your uterus will slow blood flood through the aorta and the vena cava, which takes blood to and from your uterus.  This is a general rule of pregnancy and does not just apply to sex/BDSM.

However, the back is where the majority of our impact play has gone.  It is one of the few areas with no warnings, contradictions, or changes from what is considered safe on a regular basis.  Unlike your organs in the front, your kidneys do not change position, so as long as you knew where they were in the first place, your information is still correct and stay the hell away from them as always.

We chose not to continue to use floggers on me during pregnancy because Sexyhusband is working on his aim and I was concerned about wrapping.  It's hard to go flying into sub space when you're focused on how safely your partner's blows are landing or don't completely trust their aim.  I would, however, encourage people to continue to use floggers, canes, whips, sensation toys or whatever you currently play with on the back.  I wouldn't necessarily start using whips or floggers during pregnancy if you haven't used them before, but as we found out, starting to cane during pregnancy is perfectly safe, especially once you've done a few educational sessions (hit there, that's a bit low, etc).

The Ass

Controversy reigns once more.  I have been told the ass is totally safe to wail on, and I have been told it's totally unsafe.  I've been told just to stay away from the crack because of the location of the coccyx (tailbone) and that motion/force would travel though and impact on the uterus.  I've been told that the lower cheeks are the only completely safe place to hit a pregnant woman. 

Personally, I have no clue when it comes to impact.  Other than slaps with a hand, we have generally avoided impact play on the ass.

I will say that a big consideration would be what you're leaning over.  Obviously you want to stay away from any and all furniture that requires you bend over or brace yourself against a hard surface.  Even if being spanked really hard with a hand/paddle/whatever is totally safe, the reaction to the impact (your hand hits my ass, my hips move forward a bit from the force of the impact) is to slam your belly against the solid object, which is NOT SAFE.  If you are going to be bent over, I encourage you to go into "doggy style" position or to lean over a stack of pillows.  You can make your own judgment call about your partner's lap.

The Feet

Interestingly, there are pressure points in your feet that can cause you to go into labor.  I have been told by anyone who knows anything about massage, including two massage therapists that you should NEVER rub the bottom of a pregnant woman's foot.  If you are a professional massage therapist who specializes in pregnant foot massage, maybe you know the specific point to avoid, but for the rest of us, stay away.

I don't know that caning feet is out, as it seems to be a problem with massaging a specific pressure point that could induce labor, but it's not my kink.  Tickling is fine, as is sucking and general light touch.  I have gotten a light massage on the tops of my feet and my Achilles tendons which felt nice, and might make for good service bottoming to a pregnant top.

I advise against wearing heels for extended periods during pregnancy, especially if you're about to engage in a long scene.  I found going barefoot or wearing comfortable flats (I admit it....flip flops after I'd blindfolded my sub and when I bottomed)  made for a much more enjoyable experience.  Another issue with heels during pregnancy is that they put strain on your low back.  Not that this isn't always true, but remember, the growing baby is already doing a number on your low back and the relaxin that is coursing through your body is softening and loosening the ligaments in your low back and they can be strained or injured much more easily.  Heels aren't a total no-no, but they should be worn for shorter periods of time only.  Fetish heels are much higher than normal heels and thus the impact is also more severe.  

Upper arms

Again, nothing happens here during pregnancy.  If you've done impact play on your biceps before, or even if you haven't, it's a great place  to do so during pregnancy.  Make sure you know how to throw a safe punch (so you don't damage your thumb) before you do so.  I've always found it pleasurable to get sensation and impact here.

The Face

There aren't any major changes that happen to your face (perhaps water retention).  If you've done light slapping or whathaveyou before, it is still safe to do so.  If you haven't, it might be another good thing to try.

*************************Emotional Issues************************

I believe a specific concern with BDSM during pregnancy is that as a pregnant woman, your emotional state is almost constantly in flux.  Even if you (like me) are a woman who generally enjoyed verbal humiliation (being called a slut, a whore, whatever) pre-pregnancy, this is not a guarantee that you will continue to do so.  I personally experienced moments when Sexyhusband called me a slut and I almost began crying, wondering why he was being so mean to me.

It's hard to predict when a change will occur.  You need to have iron clad safe words and signals that will stop a scene dead if an emotional change does occur and the pregnant woman no longer feels safe.  While I think this is more of an issue as a bottom, I can see how a top could go through an emotional shift and suddenly want to cry at the idea of calling her submissive names or want to put down the flogger.  It has to be clear to her that it is 100% OKAY if this happens.

Aftercare also becomes a bigger deal when you're pregnant, or at least it did in my case.  I needed the extra reassurance that I had done well, that I was loved and cherished (especially when I had consented to verbal humiliation within the scene), and that I had to be brought back to myself even more cautiously and carefully than before.

Your sex drive will most likely change and there is NO way to predict how it's going to change.  I had a LOT of issues early on, which made my sex drive tank.  These problems included early bleeding, for which I was put on pelvic rest (nothing in the vagina), and bleeding every time I orgasmed (which made me scared of sex).  Once I got over the fear (basically once I'd finished the first trimester and was no longer terrified I was about to miscarry for the second time in a row) and finally stopped fucking bleeding, I was in the throes of the worst pregnancy nausea known to woman-kind.  I lost 10lbs in 5 weeks.  It took anti-nausea meds and time to help me get to a point where sex was even remotely interesting again on a regular basis.

You may have a harder time maintaining the mood.  Many women, including myself, can be sucked out of the mood by a well placed kick, a bout of heartburn (nothing says sexy like throwing up in your mouth a little) or the awkward positions you may have to assume to have intercourse.  Sexyhusband and I personally recommend  Nina Hartley's Guide to Pregnant Sex DVD.  It helps in terms of suggested positions that will be less awkward during the later stages of pregnancy as well as giving a visual demonstration of perineal massage (helpful to keep you from tearing during delivery). 

Blood flow increases dramatically during pregnancy and you may find that orgasm is either easier or harder to achieve.  I often find myself shrieking at Sexyhusband to touch me more softly damnit on the clit because it's so sensitive.  Often, it's difficult to achieve orgasm through anything other than a vibrator under my control because it's too easy to reach the pain point where you know orgasm is never going to happen through touch.

*****************Types of Play and Options********************

This is a tricky and by no means comprehensive list of topics.  I don't engage in many types of play (blood play particularly comes to mind) so I can only speak to my experiences.

Topping

As a switch, most of my fears surrounding pregnancy and BDSM were as a bottom.  Thus I spent the first six or so months of pregnancy exclusively topping.  If you are a bottom, this may be a good time to play with topping.  You feel more in control, you are selecting the toys, and you are the one who is in charge of running the scene.  One of the biggest issues I've faced as a pregnant woman is a loss of control of my body...topping was great in that it gave me the illusion of control (and some amount of real control).

However, when you top, you do need to disclose your condition if you're playing with someone who isn't your partner.  You need to talk about what limits you might have, such as not using a violet wand on someone (more about electricity play in a minute).  You need to explain that your emotional state may cause you to stop a scene, and you'll want to arrange a specific phrase that says you're about to shut a scene down.

Bottoming

Bottoming requires a MUCH more in depth discussion, especially if you're about to submit to someone new.  I personally chose to not submit to anyone but Sexyhusband during my pregnancy.  It was disappointing at times, and there were people who made it clear that they would enjoy topping me who I would normally have consented to playing with, but the thing is that no one was as invested in the little girl growing inside me as myself and Sexyhusband.  Thus, he was the only one I felt comfortable submitting to.  Remind yourself that it is OKAY to be uber choosy about who you submit to while pregnant.

You need to talk about your body, and what YOUR limits are as a submissive.  You need to go over your body parts like I did in the section above and explain what can and can not be done to your body (depending on what YOU are comfortable with and how knowledgeable the top in question is).  You need to have a phrase/safeword that stops the scene cold.  Explain your needs regarding aftercare as well.

Electricity Play

Don't do it.  I'm not kidding.  Violet Wands are out.  My physical therapist won't even do electro-stim on my back because there's enough of a risk that it could send my uterus into contractions.  Everyone is in strict consensus on this one--stay the hell away from electricity play.

Hot Tubs/Hot Water

This is actually in all the pregnancy books.  You need to avoid submerging your body in hot water, and raising your internal temperature over 101 degrees maximum.  In early pregnancy it can cause death to the fetus, and throughout the pregnancy it can cause harm.  Running a fever of 101 or higher is cause to call your OB right away, so hot baths and especially hot tubs are out.  It's depressing...believe me, I know, but it's for the little one's safety.

Pet Play

This was the only way that I felt comfortable submitting for quite some time.  I invented a pet persona, Kitty, who was a cherished pet kitten of Sexyhusband.  I wasn't allowed to be verbal except for meows (which I can do tonally to express a variety of feelings) which made me submissive.  There was a cue if I did need to communicate in words, which is a necessity especially when you are pregnant and a position becomes uncomfortable (such as being on all fours, which makes my belly hurt after a while...an increasingly shorter time the heavier my daughter gets).  Being a cherished pet keeps you in the submissive role, but doesn't bring any of potential issues that impact play or bondage do.

Bondage

I found this article on pregnant bondage.  It's worth reading in addition to my comments on bondage with regards to specific body parts above.  There's also this DVD...not instructional, but if you love bondage and don't want to do it yourself, you can at least watch it being done.  I haven't viewed it, but it came up on several google searches.

Something worth contemplating, especially in the later stages of pregnancy is that you probably want to avoid doing rope bondage that limits your mobility for one simple reason--the frequent and irresistible need to pee.  Unfortunately, should the baby decide to hang out on your bladder you will go from zero to sixty in very little time.  After around 20/24 weeks or so, all the kegeling in the world won't stop you from having an accident.  And you probably don't want to cut through expensive pretty fetish rope, do you?  Think about doing more decorative bondage as opposed to mobility related bondage.

It bears repeating that you can't be on your back after 16 weeks of pregnancy, even on a soft bed.  Do not consent/ask a pregnant woman to lay on her back and get tied down.

I don't know enough about suspension play to give any advice on this topic, but I would guess that it is most likely less safe during pregnancy and you should research it further if you wish to continue to play with suspension.

Impact Play

Like I noted above, you need to take each body part and your/your play partner's competence into account.  Make the right judgment calls for you.

Fetish Furniture

I'm basically lumping crosses, spanking benches, etc all into one category.  My advice is to be aware of your stomach at all times.  I chose not to be tied to a cross when submitting because I found it much safer to brace my body about six inches off the cross so that I kept it safe at all times.  You don't ever want to be in a position where a blow would send your stomach into impact with a hard object.

Additionally, remember that after 16 or so weeks you should never be laying flat on your back.  Laying on your back slows blood flow in the vena cava and the aorta which slows blood flow to and from your uterus.  This is a rule in general and not just about sex and BDSM.

Fetish Clothing

As I noted above, corsets should be avoided during pregnancy.  There are pregnancy corsets, but I don't see the value in spending a ton of money to wear something for such a short period of time.  I know it hurts...remember I went to two sex conventions and had to leave my pretty corsets behind...but it's for the best.

As noted above again, heels are to be avoided or worn for short periods of time only.

Tight clothing is going to be problematic, and often painful if it's near your belly.  If it doesn't breathe or have give, it shouldn't be near your belly.  You can do all sorts of tight things like vinyl/rubber gloves, tops and skirts if you wear them low enough. 

You're going to have to get creative because your body is changing and it may not go back to normal.  Some women gain a shoe size during pregnancy, so I'd advise against buying cute mistressy boots during pregnancy (or do what I did and go a 1/2 size larger if they are the cutest shoes you've ever seen and you MUST have them). 

I found that things that were see through and mesh or involved elastic waistbands worked best.  Something to consider.

*******************Medical Stuff*********************

Your OB Needs to Know

This is an uncomfortable conversation.  I've had it with two OB's in the past year.  But they need to know if you are not monogamous (more extensive STD testing and more frequent STD testing than a monogamous woman), and if you are into the scene, especially if you're going to show up from time to time with bruises.  You may want to try find a doctor on Kink Aware Professionals (an NSCF site) but you may not be able to find an OB there (I wasn't and I live near a major US city with a TON of hospitals).  You're going to have to be comfortable doing some education on the topic and possibly interviewing several OB's or Midwives to find one who is comfortable dealing with a practitioner of BDSM.

In my case, my doctor was a bit thrown, but basically asked me to be careful and said that if I had questions she could try to find answers, but was honest and did not know anything about BDSM.  She asked me once or twice if I was being abused and when I assured her that I am not a victim of domestic abuse, she dropped it and we haven't spoken of it since roughly 18 weeks ago.  Not every OB may have this opinion, however, so be prepared.

When to call the doctor/go to the hospital...When things go wrong

You need to know what signs of something wrong are...

1-Clear fluid leaking from your vagina that is not urine and not cum.  I had an embarrassing incident where mid-sex I basically peed on Sexyhusband.  However, because of cum and other liquid, I couldn't quite figure out what the liquid was.  I called the OB's office and they told me to do the following--wipe, put on a pad and lay down for 1 hour.  If I soaked through a pad in an hour to come in immediately because it was likely premature rupture of membranes.  I didn't, and we concluded that his weight probably just pressed down on my bladder, causing me to have an accident.  If you see clear liquid and can't identify it, call your OB right away.

2-Blood.  If you are seeing blood, you need to call your OB.  It could be a sign of miscarriage, a UTI infection, or something totally different.  It depends on where you are in your pregnancy.  In my first pregnancy, it meant I was miscarrying.  In my second, it was because my placenta had some trouble implanting and some blood had pooled in my uterus--every time I orgasmed, some came out.  There's NO WAY of telling, and you need to talk to the doctor ASAP.

3-Contractions.  If you are feeling contractions, you need to talk to your doctor.  If you are before week 36, and feel more than 4 in an hour (or whatever guidelines your doctor may give you) it's a warning sign and you want to get into the hospital before you go into active labor...they can stop it most of the time.

4-Dizziness or Faintness--could be a warning sign of many things.  Call your doctor.

5-Decreased Fetal Movement-after 28 weeks, you should be doing regular kick counts.  If your baby is showing decreased fetal movements, do not wait several days to call your doctor.  Call them immediately.

In the end, it is much better to be the worried pregnant lady than to be the lady who loses a baby because she didn't call the doctor.

**************Final Thoughts***************************

This has been a lengthy but not comprehensive look at pregnancy and BDSM.  If you are someone who has engaged in BDSM while pregnant, please add your experiences to the comments and I'll string them together into a follow up post.  If you are a doctor or other medical professional and have additional information, please do the same.  If you want to share information, but do not want to be identified publicly email me at the link in the right hand column and I'll post it for you anonymously.  Please just identify where your info is coming from in your email.

If you have specific questions that I haven't addressed, please email them to me directly or post them as comments.  I have several contacts I can email and am happy to do research.  If I can't find an answer, I at least promise not to bullshit you and will confess that I don't know/couldn't find you an answer.

Sex during pregnancy can be fun, and pregnancy is not a reason to stop being kinky.  You need to be informed, make the judgment calls that are right for you, and be open to the idea that your limits and boundaries are going to be shifting.  Communication with your lover(s) is key during this time especially.

I hope that I've been somewhat informative, and that this helps at least one pregnant and scared horny pervert.  I've tried to write the article I wish I had found 24 weeks ago when I wanted to play but had no clue what I could and couldn't do.

Sexyhusband speaks #1: Before public submission

DN has already talked about the toys and clothes we bought on Saturday at Floating World. While our bank account might be suffering a little because of our purchases, we put them to good use that night. From my perspective, the catalyst for this adventure was a collar / nipple clamps / wrist cuff set that we found. The reason we were looking for it is that (on a previous trip), we'd seen a collar with attached nipple clamps at Pink Kitty (DN promises to review this lovely store soon, though I'd bet it won't happen until the Floating World posts are done ;)). Unfortunately, the colllar at Pink Kitty didn't fit me, so we had to leave without buying it :(.

What we found at the Chained Desires booth more than made up for that disappointment, however. Hopefully, I'll convince my wife to post a picture of me in one of our favorite new toys, but, for the moment, I'll just have to describe it. The set starts with a black leather collar with two small D-rings and an O-ring. Each D-ring has two sets of chains - one that goes to a wrist cuff and one that goes to a nipple clamp. The O-ring was perfect for the leash we had bought at Dark Odyssey (and not really plated with since). We had to change out the wrist cuffs the set came with for slightly larger ones that fit me, but they were more than happy to do that. The nipple clamps, however, worked right out-of-the-box, so to speak. My nipples started paying attention right away, and I was very intrigued once I learned that under their rubber tips were clamps with teeth. Seeing (and trying on) this wonderful bondage set - one that was so much more than I had been hoping for quickly got me thinking about how we could put it to use.

At the same booth, DN picked up a gauzy, puffy see-through skirt. It's a skirt I love both with and without panties - and no matter what role my wonderful wife is playing. After those purchases, we had only one problem: my jeans felt out-of-place once my shirt was off and I was all set up. I wanted something that complemented the new gear, but we weren't sure what that was. First we tried me in a kilt, but that didn't work for my wife (and, honestly, didn't look submissive enough). Fortunately, in the same booth my clever wife found the perfect piece of clothing - some see-through, mesh boxers with a leather crotch panel.

Once the outfit was complete, I knew what I wanted to do: I wanted to get dressed up and go into the dungeon and have my wife (and anyone else she wanted) work me over. What made me nervous, though, is that I didn't know if that was what she wanted. Maybe she wanted to play with our new gear privately - or maybe she even wanted to save it for another time. I had to work up the courage to ask her what she wanted to do on our way to dinner. I was very relieved when DN told me she was on the same wavelength - she wanted to take our new toys our for a public spin, too.

Before the hardcore playtime, though, we had two evening classes we wanted to go to: Starting to Top and Erotic Hypnosis. DN has already talked about those classes, so I'll just talk about how I was dressed for them. I had on my new collar, wrist cuffs and nipple clamps. One surprise was that the rubber tips on the nipple clamps weren't quite clicking for me. Getting them at the right pain level while also making sure they had a good grip (and weren't falling off my nipples) was a difficult balance.  On an impluse, I took off the rubber tips to try the teeth underneath. The teeth hurt a little more going on, but after they were on they didn't hurt as much and they held a better grip than the rubber tips. Since we were going to classes (and the hardcore playtime was later), I had on my jeans and shoes instead of my new shorts - it was a little more practical and the shorts weren't "street legal" enough for the hotel lobby.

Even though we were holding back a little, DN did take me out of our hotel room on the leash, with the collar, nipple clamps and cuffs set up. Carrying her purse and the toys we were bringing with my wrists cuffed was a little tricky. The chains attached to my collar discouraged me from fully extending my arms, so they got tired very quickly as I played pack mule. Fortunately, I didn't have to carry anything too far.

One of the fringe, unexpected benefits of "dressing up" for the evening was that I got a fair number of appreciative and approving glances for my outfit. I wasn't so good at noticing those, but DN pointed out several that I missed and getting that sort of attention felt good. We went straight to the "Starting to Top" panel. Since my nipple clamps were attached, my wife would tug at them every so often, reminding me what was to come later in the evening (and making me feel submissive even as I was taking notes on dominating). We did make one mistake, though - we left the nipple clamps on too long.  They didn't feel too uncomfortable at the time, but DN was concerned that my nipples were starting to go numb and she was right. Once she took them off, feeling started to return to my nipples and they were much more tender than I expected. Fortunately, we took the clamps off early enough in the evening that they were an option later. Our advice - don't leave nipple clamps on for more than 20-30 minutes at a time (an hour and a half was just too much).

After the nipple clamps were off, I felt a little less submissive. I ended up engrossed in the Erotic Hypnosis class and took notes without really thinking about what was going to happen later in the evening. After the class and some necessary preparations, though, we went to the unisex bathroom to change for the highlight of the evening...

Question of the Week #50

For those of you who are in the kinky/poly/insert adjective here scene--do you use a scene name?

If yes--how did you choose it, and do you ever give out your "real" name?

If no--what were your motivations for not using a scene name and what are the benefits and drawbacks of going around with your "real" name?

Floating World #7-Getting Topped by Sexyhusband

Our last night at Floating World, I was ready to try something I'd had a lot of fear over since I'd gotten the positive pregnancy test--submission to Sexyhusband.  While I had found a new way to be submissive (we'll discuss it another time) the new way didn't involve pain, and I'm a pain submissive.  Specifically I like floggers, canes, sensation play, and rope bondage as a submissive. 

We had heard so much conflicting advice over what was and was not safe for pregnant women to do, it felt easier to just stop back in March.  It wasn't that much of an issue for several months as I fought back almost non-stop nausea and a huge drop in sex drive.  After all, if you don't even want to have sex, you certainly don't want to play BDSM games, which require more energy.  But about a month and a half ago, when my sex drive came roaring back I began to lust for pain, and to feel guilty. 

I felt guilty because what kind of selfish bitch am I?  Hadn't I heard that XY and Z MIGHT be dangerous for the baby?  Couldn't I just wait a few more fucking months?

And then Sexyhusband asked me to top him.  Which was fine.  Except I was jealous, because I wasn't getting topped, ever.  It certainly sharpened my skills as a top, but that wasn't the point. 

Over the course of Floating World, I began to let go of the guilt.  I kept talking to people, especially class instructors about what was and wasn't safe.  While there is certainly some controversy over the ass, everyone said that my upper back was fine to play with.  I'm not comfortable with my breasts being played with, and again, there was enough controversy over rope bondage (coupled with our general lack of experience) that made me decide to stay away from those areas.  But it gave us a base surface.

So I took a deep breath and asked Sexyhusband to top me on the last night of Floating World.  We had a bet going, that we mutually lost (about exactly what color we thought Goldslut's shiny sparkly riding crop was--we were both wrong) and my forfeit was to try submitting publicly for at least a 1/2 hour.  Of course Sexyhusband would have respected any request of mine to stop at any time or to go back to the hotel, but I was game.

We left the hotel dressed for fun.  I had on my brand new red plaid schoolgirl skirt (you'll see pics as soon as I can find that damn camera cord--we're almost unpacked and it has yet to turn up--I fear I may have to buy one at this point), the nursing tank I model here, white lacy socks, and black schoolgirl maryjanes with a 2-3 inch heel.  I also had on a collar, and my favorite piece of sexy jewelry--a bracelet we bought at Tiffany and had inscribed with the word "slut" (it just tickles me pink to subvert Tiffany jewelry).  Sexyhusband had on jeans and shirt, and a leash to use when the time came.

There was a class to attend before play, and then we were off.

Sexyhusband opened the front of my nursing tank to expose my breasts, clipped the leash to my chain, and led me around the dungeon, finally settling me on the very same X I'd had him on. 

He removed my collar, as we have discovered I am not a huge fan of stuff on my neck.  We didn't lock my hands so that I could brace my body off the X, keeping the belly safe from potential impact, and I put my hair up out of the way.  We also removed my tank top to bare my back.

Sexyhusband had brought along the three new canes we'd bought after the caning class, the bundled cane I'd used on him the night before, my sparkly riding crop and a variety of toys.  He'd left the floggers back in the room as he didn't feel safe practicing his aim on his pregnant wife, and I was a bit nervous about wrapping around to the side of my breasts or belly if he accidentally had a bad miss.  There were also bear claws (think sharp scratchy things that feel delightful on your back), the pinwheel, the bunny flogger (because you can't actually hurt anyone with a soft bunny fur flogger), and several other sensation toys.  He also had the spray bottle of rubbing alcohol.

Following my example, Sexyhusband blindfolded me. 

It's important to note that this was largely a learning session for Sexyhusband, who has topped me before, but not with a lot of the toys we were using that night.  I strongly encourage anyone who is starting to top to do this sort of session with their partners to learn new skills--no one likes the big overconfident dom/me who then fucks up and hurts you in the bad way because they didn't take the time to learn a new skill on an actual person as opposed to the theory in a class.  It's also important to note that we had discussed all of the things he was going to do to me in advance, established safewords and non-verbal cues and were being SAFE.

He started with the lightest cane and he began hitting me lightly, getting feedback on what the "safe" region was, and if I wanted more or faster.   After establishing that, he began to go a bit harder and faster, finding his rhythm.

The next toy to come out of the bag is an old favorite at this point.  We bought the bear claws at Wicked Faire (first post in the series is here) back in February and they have served Sexyhusband very well as I will do many many unmentionable things to get him to use them on my back.  I moaned, begged and cried out greeen (note--why use just red and yellow---GREEN is a great feedback word) wanting more and more scratches.

Sadly the bear claws were a brief interlude, and I would've started pouting, but the bunny flogger was making soft and seductive patterns over my back.  Even though I was blindfolded, my eyes fluttered shut with pleasure.

It was a bit of a shock to feel a sharp thwack on my back as my riding crop descended.  We did soem educational feedback on zones and I can only imagine how pretty the purple shiny sparkles must have looked in the dim glow of the dungeon, descending on my pale upper back.

A bigger cane was the next toy on the list, tempered with the prickly pokes from our plastic pinwheel.  Sexyhusband may be a student of topping, but as in all things, he's a quick study.

Scratches came back, both from Sexyhusband's nails (grown out just enough to be exciting and useful) and the bear claws. 

It was around this point that I felt the slow descent into submissive space (aka "sub space") began to speed up.  For those who have never felt it, it's basically a rush of endorphins, not unlike what you might feel on a roller coaster (should you be an enthusiast) or what you feel post orgasm except it keeps going on and on.  The pain begins to not just be pleasurable, but the source of pleasure that radiates to your nipples and to your clit (or cock, depending on your plumbing).  You begin to be able to take harder more consistent pain, and stop caring about (or even begin to welcome) the possible consequences (such as bruises, if you're fair like I am--see here for what I mean).

I honestly can't tell you all of what he did to me, except to say that it felt wonderful and involved canes, my riding crop, his hands, his mouth and lasted a full hour at my request.

He finished me the same way Lady Arielle did, which was to spray my back with rubbing alcohol, which doesn't really feel like anything---until you blow on it, which makes it deliciously cold.

I was so proud and happy to have let go of my demons and had a good time, and Sexyhusband was wonderful both for his support and his careful but insistent pushing for me to trust in myself and in him and to enjoy myself.

Floating World #6-The "lifestyle" convention experience

Floating World was our second "lifestyle" event ever, the other having been Dark Odyssey back in March.  It occurs to me that people might be interested to know what a conference like this is really like, and not just the lurid images that might be dancing in your brain.

So, for the edification of those who want to know...what is a lifestyle conference like?

The Pros

1-It's full of normal people. 

At Dark Odyssey's formal dinner, I was seated next to....a principal.  I've also met computer programmers, EMT's, Doctors, Small Business Owners, Managers, and a slew of other "normal" professionals.  We just happen to be people who are interested in learning more about/hanging out with other people who are also into kinky sex. 

2-It's one of the politest environments.  you'll even experience.

While there *are* people running around the event in skimpy sexy clothing, I've never seen or experienced anyone being inappropriate about it.  There might be a request to touch, in the right places (like the dungeon) but you ALWAYS have the right to say no, and it will be respected.  There are people wandering around to make sure this happens.

3-Not everyone is dressed in skimpy fetishwear all the time

Sure there are girls who show up to class in stilettos and rubber.  But in class most people show up in jeans or other casual comfortable clothing.  I generally walked around in flip flops, shorts and a tank top during the day, and then switched to sexy stuff for the evening.  Let's face it, fetish wear is cute to look at, but who wants to spend all day in rubber?  Can you imagine how much it would be sticking to you by the time you tried to take it off that night?  Better to wait until you're going to scene.

4-No one will laugh at you if you're a newbie

Sexyhusband and I are actually VERY shy in large groups of unfamiliar people.  As a friend once said, "I can go into an unfamiliar environment and have sex with people I don't know, no problem.  But TALK to them???"  We didn't scene publicly at DO partially because my pregnancy was new and we were frightened of playing while pregnant, and also because I was scared that the cool people doing awesome tricks with their toys would laugh at me and my brand new flogger that I was still learning how to aim.  As we discovered at FW, people do wander by and notice what you're doing, but no one is standing there giving a running critique.  And when you do mess up, like when I almost fell on my ass or missed Sexyhusband completely with my flogger, no one laughed or said anything to us.

If you talk to presenters after a class, or ask vendors questions, most people at these events are thrilled to help a newbie because they were all newbies once too and remember what it's like.  We got lots of great advice from people and starting making friends that way, too.

5-The classes are worth the price of admission alone

Sure, there's fun to be had if you play publicly, but you don't HAVE to.  At DO, all we did was attend classes, visit the "petting zoo" (where I discovered my inner kitten), and shop.  We wandered through the dungeon, but never played there.  And the classes, at least for me, are the meat and potatoes of an event like this.

Where else are you going to have the chance to take 5-10+ different technique classes in the space of a weekend?  If you read the post on classes, you know I learned how to flog with better results, cane, do some CBT moves and safely throw a punch in one weekend. 

6-Your privacy is not a problem

While there are name badges, you control what you put on it.  Most people have a "scene" name and that's what they run around all weekend with on their badges.  There's also a strict no camera policy (including cameras on laptops and cell phones...FW did not allow cell phones at all).  If you, like me, don't want your picture taken by a sanctioned event photographer, you put on a red wrist band and they respect that.  Registration is always done in advance and they very carefully check ID when you show up to register in person.  Security is always manning the doors, and I can honestly say that while I've seen sensationalized articles on the events I've attended, none of those reporters were there, and you can tell because half their details are wrong.

7-It's nice not to have to hide parts of yourself you usually keep hidden.

Sexyhusband and I have very few friends in real life who we're out as kinky to.  The great thing about this sort of event is you can say "I'm into suspending people by hooks through their skin" and no one will think you're insane, even if its' not their kink.

8-There are people to play with, if you want to.

Obviously this is a huge pro for many people.  We haven't done it yet, so I can't elaborate except to say new people to play with are fun.

The Cons

1-They're expensive. 

Depending on the convention, the hotel rates can be high, as can the registration fees.  I wonder if the reason I've met so many other "professionals" at these events is because we can afford them?  This isn't meant as a snobby comment, but it is a reality of life that even if I'd wanted to attend one of these events at 19 or 22, I could NEVER have afforded it.

2-You have to lie about where you're going and what you did there (to anyone you're not out as kinky to)

One of the hardest things about trying to balance my desire for an authentic life where I'm open and honest with the reality that I have to keep some aspects of my life private for job safety and out of respect for my vanilla friends is that I have had to lie.  To people I love, like my parents, my in-laws, and my close friends.    I've said I was wandering around a city I never left the hotel to step foot into, claimed that I'd visited restaurants that I'd only been to on previous visits to the cities in question, and been deliberately vague when usually I won't shut up about what we were doing.  The baby has made for a conveinent excuse--"we're celebrating the pregnancy" was our excuse for DO and "it's our last real baby-free vacation before she arrives" was FW.  If you can't lie convincingly, it may be difficult for you.

3-There is probably some tangential risk, depending on your given situation

One of the comments made in the Out Poly Life class that Sexyhusband attended was that people have lost custody of their kids over this sort of thing.  Usually it's a case where one partner was kinky and the other was the exact opposite, but you need to be careful who you're open with and to what extent.  This is a big reason for scene names, handles, and separate email accounts to handle your kinky life.  It's certainly a reason I've been much more reticent to be active in my local BDSM community.  Which I suppose makes this sort of event a pro as well, especially if it takes place in a state you don't live in--you feel/are safer.

Floating World #4--Classes

I want to take a moment to rave about the classes we took at FW.

On Friday...

Massage as Service

This was originally a class Sexyhusband was going to take by himself, but after my instructor was still a no-show 30 minutes into the scheduled class, I snuck in and joined the massage class instead.  I really liked this class because it not only gave some great massage technique tips, but also about how to take a massage sensual or erotic as opposed to relaxing massage.  As it happens, Sexyhusband hurt his shoulder over the weekend (not from our erotic adventures, from sleeping weirdly) and one of the specific massage techniques was immediately useful.

On Saturday...

CBT from A to Z

This was one of the best classes we took in my opinion, and we made a point of taking the presenters other class on Sunday because her presentation style was awesome and her ideas, handouts, and advice were incredibly useful.  There was plenty in this class that was so far beyond my skill level or my current interest in CBT (sounds, for example, which are things you put in a man's urethra, freak me out a bit right now), but at least half of what she talked about felt immediately doable in a safe way and there was a decent chunk more with some training and research I should be able to do.

It's interesting because this was also a class that Sexyhusband and I saw on the schedule and had said "no way" to.  It felt like it would be so far beyond our current skills and interests, but about a week before FW, I randomly slapped Sexyhusband's cock and he really liked it, enough that he asked me to consider attending the CBT class.  I'm so glad he did.

Full Body BDSM

Primarily we were intrigued by this class as it was one of the that specifically made a point of how size-friendly it was.  The presenter ended up being one of the people I met whom I made a genuine connection with and while neither of us sure that we will try a body slam on each other, we learned how to safely slap, lightly punch, kick the ass (literally) and a few ideas that I might want done to me once it's physically safe to do so, as I am very into impact play. 

Power Flogging

I have a small (very small) amount of talent with a flogger and I was very interested in this class, which promised to teach me new stances that would make for more effective flogging and some new techniques.  The presenter had a great energy, and again, I walked away with skills I was able to use that very night.

Starting to Top Panel Discussion

This was a great panel to hear from.  The presenter from Full Body BDSM was there as were four other dominants.  We got some great tips (blindfolds to help you with confidence, don't wear heels to top, you'll fuck up-apologize, and the importance of community and asking for help to learn new skills) and it was encouraging to hear that even pros make mistakes.

Erotic Hypnosis

This is a class that Sexyhusband begged me to attend.  He has been interested in Erotic Hypnosis for 14 or so years, while I was a little unnerved by the idea of fucking with his head that literally, and more specifically having my head fucked with.  We'd met an erotic hypnotist at DO, who has become a friend, and I had less trepidation about it, but reservations.  The class cleared me of all of them.  I think I just needed to hear the information in an educational setting.  Sexyhusband and I haven't yet started playing with this, but I feel comfortable trying it.

Sunday...

Ecstatic Caning

This was the other class given by the presenter of CBT from A to Z.  It was again well presented with a great handout and incredibly useful advice.  We walked away with a good idea of what kind of canes we wanted to try, who we wanted to buy them from, and how to use them as newbies. 

For Love or Money

This class was about making a living in the scene.  Sexyhusband and I split up so he could take another class.  My class was pretty web heavy, but having dated computer geeks for years and being married to a hardcore computer guy I never felt out of my depth.  I don't know that I got much out of it that I wouldn't have gotten out of a regular business seminar except that he was applying it to selling floggers or being a pro domme and while not much of it will apply to me in the kink world for a while, some of it is immediately useful in my current job where I effectively have my own company.

Living an Out Poly Life

This is the class Sexyhusband took while I was in "For Love or Money."  It covered a variety of topics from being poly with kids and some issues that come up with that to advantages and disadvantages to being open and many other applicable topics.  There were a lot of both positive and negative personal experiences shared, and Sexyhusband walked away with a lot to talk to me about, which is effectively a whole other post.

Switch Hitters

This was our final FW class, and Sexyhusband and I got a LOT out of this class.  The instructor started with some definitions, which is always helpful, especially in a community that likes to split hairs.  She shared a lot of personal experience, and ran the fairly small class as a round table q&a.  She had a LOT of useful stuff to say about pregnancy and BDSM and the problems that can arise when both partners are switches with slight submissive tendencies.  She also was really sweet and gave us some time after class that she didn't have to, and for that we are very grateful.

There were many other classes, and we are really sad that we couldn't make every class we wanted to.  However, there is also the reality that food needed to be eaten, sleep needed to be slept, and clones were not immediately available to attend multiple classes at the same time.

Regardless of your stance on playing publicly or your comfort level in making new friends with a bunch of strangers at a convention, the classes are one of the biggest reasons I advocate a lifestyle con like Floating World.  When you're a newbie, they're exceptionally helpful in aiding your self-discovery as to what kinks you're into and which are far beyond your skill level.  They help you find resources that you have no clue otherwise how to find, and while there is a certain amount of conflicting advice (especially over what you can and can't do to a pregnant woman) it helps you discover your own voice.  Where else are you going to learn about this sort of thing in a person to person setting for a reasonably low amount of money (especially when compared to a pro domme's rates to learn in person)?  And, like us, you may find yourself ready to start making new friends, and maybe even scening publicly. 

Floating World # 3--Saving Space, not phoning it in

We left Floating World for the last time about an hour ago.  I'm really sad to be returning to my more normal life, which does not consist of daily sexy classes and the opportunity to play.  However, it was an incredibly eye opening experience for both me and Sexyhusband.

I walk away from this experience realizing several things, but the biggest realization is how into BDSM I am.  Having played with it very casually prior to Sexyhusband and then only rarely with Sexyhusband, it wasn't until Wicked Faire that things started really coming together for me.  Being a demo bottom at Wicked Faire, an experience at a public Dungeon,  Dark Odyssey, and now Floating World have created a six month journey where I connected with parts of myself I didn't know existed on such a deep level.  I thought I occasionally liked being spanked.  No-I like being caned and having bruises the next morning.  I thought I didn't mind topping-No, I LOVE topping.  I thought I would NEVER doing any form of CBT (cock and ball torture)--I did it last night and sent Sexyhusband spinning into space.

I have a lot to talk about, so we'll consider this my list of to-do posts on Floating World

• The Vendors, many of whom I need to thank by name and set up links for in my sidebars
• Topping Sexyhusband
• Bottoming to Sexyhusband
• Classes
  • Which ones had the most impact (and to give a nod to several presenters)
  • Which ones were a pleasant surprise (CBT and Erotic Hypnosis specifically
• The pros and cons of Floating World in general
• The experience of attending a "lifestyle" event in general
• The "sex toy" we bought at CVS

Great news--Sexyhusband has also started his first guest post about his experience of being topped by me, so you'll get to hear both perspectives.

Expect there to be a lot more BDSM content here over the next bit of time, especially as I read up on topics that interest me, find and hopefully join my local community, and explore my own tendencies as a switch and what appeals to be. 

Of course I'm not a fool and I understand that BDSM (and sex in general) are going to take a short term backseat to the baby when she arrives.  But I hope that just as my commitment to sex blogging is a motivating factor in helping me rediscover my sexuality, so will my interest in BDSM.  I firmly believe that I can be both a mom and a sexual creature-as many of you readers are sexual creatures and parents.