Deliciously Naughty

Ask DN #2--BDSM for Newbies

Eleanor (undeadgoat) asked

What are some good resources for BDSM beginners? The situation is, I'm sleeping with a girl who likes to tie girls up, and I like to be tied up, except we haven't actually done this sort of thing before now. Mostly it's been hands to the bedposts with scarves and slaps on the ass, but more would be good.

This is a great question and one I'm actually equipped to answer, because just over a year ago it was Sexyhusband and I asking ourselves the same question.  I had slightly more experience but we reached a point where both our experience and knowledge was exhausted and we wondered exactly how we could progress further safely.

There are two ways to interpret this question...
1-How do I find the other pervs and learn more skills?
2-What are some suggestions you might have for expanding our repetoire?

I'm going to assume your question is the former.  However, I'll answer the latter in a day or two, just to cover my bases :)

Without knowing what country you're in, or if you live near an urban center or not, my initial suggestions may or may not be helpful to you...but bear with me as I'll get more and more generalized.

KINKY GROUPS

In the US, near major cities you can almost always find a kinky group to join.  You may be raising an eyebrow at me, but I will assure you that I lived in Boston for well over 10 years and I didn't find the kinky groups until they were waved in my face.  I might just be oblivious, or I might just not have known where to look.  Who knows?

There's The Next Generation if you're between 18 and 35 in locations as varied as Maine and Minnesota.

TNG-I Mission Statement 

Increase communication, information, education and support network for all members of the TNG Leather/BDSM/Fetish community.

Support individual and organized education amongst the younger Leather/BDSM/Fetish community/ (ages 18-35).

Provide through publications, online correspondence, educational material and conferences, a forum for the sharing of knowledge, viewpoints and practices of access to a diverse network of friends and education.

There's an interesting list (with links!) at this Wikipedia page on BDSM organizations--as a bonus, there are some groups in countries other than the US as well.

If you live in New England, you should be familiar with ....

• New England Leather Alliance  (aka NELA)
• Any of the groups listed on this page (comprehensive of all 6 New England States)

Don't forget Fetlife....I'm not on there (which is pretty ridiculous I know, but I have 4 email addresses, 3 blogs and facebook...I just can't handle checking one more thing).  I'm not sure how useful it would be for these purposes, but it might be a good place to find some local organizations.

So what is the value in joining a group like this?  Well, many (most)  hold classes...which is a HUGE deal for a newbie.  There's usually a relatively small joining fee (one organization we belong to was in the ballpark of $30) and a fee for the classes ($10 for a 2 hour class...pretty reasonable and no more expensive than a movie)  Having someone who knows what they're doing teaching you how to flog, to cane, to tie a safe knot or do pretty rope work is invaluable.  Don't worry about being "outed"--everyone uses "scene names" (aliases).  Everyone is also very sensitive to the risks of being outed and are respectful.  If you ever find someone who isn't...run in the opposite direction.

Kinky Events

Another way to learn more is to attend a "lifestyle convention."  Again, I'm most familiar with what's in my area, but I can personally recommend...

Dark Odyssey  which hosts two events a year...one at a hotel and one that's more like camping (I don't do that whole "roughing it" thing, so I can only talk about the annual hotel event).  I went back to link to my entries about DO '08, only to realize that in the throes of early pregnancy I never got around to writing about it.  A quick version is that Sexyhusband and I attended at least 10 classes (they offer significantly more covering almost every kink at almost every level and definitely do address the needs of newbies), got to watch others play in the play space, and bought nifty stuff from the vendors.  I was 6 weeks pregnant, however, and wasn't really in a comfortable mental space to do a lot more than take notes and observe.  They are based out of DC/Maryland

and

Floating World, which is a NJ event.  I actually did chronicle my experiences at FW, and you can read about it starting here.

and

Fetish Flea Market which has bounced between Boston and Providence over the past few years.  It's one of the biggest selections of vendors and they also have classes

Where you are into rope bondage, you may be interested in Shibaricon, which is a con specifically about rope bondage, held in Chicago annually.

These are not the only lifestyle events out there....

The bonuses are that there are a wide variety of classes geared towards every skill level and every interest.  If you remain open minded, you may even discover a new kink.  The downside is that they aren't cheap.  There's travel costs and hotel costs.  But many of these events do have some sort of community that you gain access to when you pay your entry fee and you can find a rideshare or roomshare if you are comfortable with that idea.

Pro Dommes

This may sound crazy, but why not find a Pro Domme in your are and hire her to teach you and your partner some skills?  Sexyhusband and I have strongly considered and will probably get around to doing this once things calm down with the LM.  You find someone who is skilled in that which you are interested in learning and have her walk the two of you through the skills. 

Pro Dommes are not escorts, and will not have sexual intercourse with you (at least in the US, where that's not legal).  But they know their stuff and if you are up front that you are looking for an educational experience, they should be able to tell you if that's within their skill set or possibly recommend someone else who can teach you what you're looking for.

Again, the downside to this is money.

Books and DVD's

There is a HUGE market of kinky books and dvd's, including the How-To variety.  In fact, the selection is so big that I'm sure I've only come into contact with a small portion.  However, I can recommend the following...

• Anything written by Tristan Taormino.  She has some non-fiction and some fiction. 
• The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book
• If you want to learn more on rope bondage look for books on Shibari
• Anything written by Jay Wiseman

Also, don't underestimate the value of watching BDSM porn together and talking about what turned you on, intrigued you, or turned you off.  We all have limits and things that excite us but that we'd never actually do in real life and it's important to have an open and honest talk with our partners about what those things are.

Along with that, erotica is another good place to start.  Rachel Kramer Bussel has some fantastic anthologies, and they (or other erotica) may also be a good jumping off point for discussions

Online

As always, the internet is a great resource, whether you're looking for people to talk to, videos to watch on a topic, or groups to join.  Depending on what you're interested in, there's NO shortage of groups to join.  Just google, search through yahoo groups, etc and join up.  I strongly encourage you to create an online persona for the purpose of doing so, to keep your irl and kinky lives separate.

Would anyone else like to pose a question?

I wanted to thank rose_coloured for asking a question and actually thereby getting a post out of me.

Anyone else want to pose a question...you can ask anything!

I will confess we're moving (again) in two weeks so I'm so preoccupied and tired that I'm just pulling blanks when I try to think about writing.

Don't give up on me...I promise that I have the rest of Haunted Dreams sketched out...it WILL be finished

Ask DN #1---How do you teach a guy to be good in bed?

A reader has asked the following...

Ok, I am 27 and until 2 months ago was a virgin, so I don't know what the hell I'm doing. My boyfriend doesn't seem to know what he's doing, and I don't know how to teach him because of my lack of knowledge and experience.

He just seems to want to kiss for about 10 mins, maybe touch my breasts for a little while, then stick his little man in and get it over and done with. Needless to say I'm not finding the experience enjoyable. I've tried to ask him to touch and kiss the rest of my body but he seems to think that is a strange request. What can I do to inspire him to touch me elsewhere and to actually try foreplay?!

Oh, I should explain, he's Korean, so there's a bit of a language barrier present too! And a cultural barrier...

Ah yes, the classic kiss, fondle, and fuck.  Who among us has not been unlucky enough to encounter this guy.  I certainly have met my fair share of them, and been unsatisfied by them.

But is it really their fault?  If you read romance novels, watch even mainstream tv or romantic comedies, or hell--even learned your tricks via porn, this is the classic progression.  He's probably wondering why you're not screaming out in delight.  After all he's doing what our culture has taught him that you want.  The only option is to educate him...if he's willing to be educated.

It seems like there are a couple of issues going on here....

1. The language barrier.  This is a BIG one.  While possible bordering on trite, the best advice I would have for a person in your situation is to sit down and have a frank and honest conversation about what you want.  I'm curious how MUCH of a language barrier is there.  Can you guys sit down and communicate in general...or is this one of those hot foreign guy flings?  I am assuming the former, as you're referring to him as a boyfriend and not a fling. 

2. Inexperience...yours and his.  It's hard to tell somewhat what you want when you're not really sure.  But it sounds like you have an idea...you note that you've asked him to kiss and touch the rest of your body.  It's important to know that most women can't come from what you've described, so don't feel as though there is anything wrong with you.  Even those of us who are more experienced wouldn't come from that.

3-Cultural barriers.  I've known enough Asian guys that I know where you are and how frustrating it is.  I don't entirely get it either, but I have a few theories about why guys from more male dominant cultures refuse to go down or otherwise put in a lot of effort to please their women.  It seems as though their raised in one of two schools of thought...sex is bad (so there's some amount of guilt or "get it over with") or sex is about masculine pleasure (hence the barely cursory effort to please you...it's more about him...he kissed for as long as he wanted, touched your breasts for as long as he wanted and now he's ready to fuck).

I do have some suggestions, but any one of those three problems could make the suggestions problematic.  So, for what it's worth, here are some ideas....

1. Set a timer.  Tell him you want to play a sexy game.  You can only make out and all clothes MUST stay on until the timer goes off.  In my experience, setting it as a game/challenge means you're being inventive and not critical.  Be VERY careful not be critical as most people shut down and can't hear what is being said to them once they perceive themselves as being criticized.  But this?  This is just a game.  Spinning out the making out for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 60 minutes (don't jump straight to 60....set a reasonable goal first) is a good way to get your motor running.  Hands can go under clothes but they have to stay on.

2.Take a shower together first.  For some men the idea of oral or all over contact is unappealing because they view it as unhygenic.  Especially if you ask your partner to wash you and then you wash him, you're creating a situation where he can make the canvass as clean as he wants it before putting his mouth there.  It's ironic, especially as I have yet to meet a man who has the same perceptions about their own body, no matter how funky his junk smells.  But there's something about going down on you, licking near where you pee, where your period occurs that can freak some guys out.  Getting clean first can fix the problem for those men.

3. Tie him up.  Okay...this is a bit extreme, especially for someone who's new to sex, but it's an option if you're desperate enough.  Tie his hands and feet down.  If your bed doesn't have posters (as so few of ours do) you can thread rope under your bed, or between your mattress and boxspring.  Then climb on top of him and say that he has to lick you to orgasm before he gets one.

4. The 69 trick.  This is a personal favorite of mine, although in general I'm not a huge fan of the 69 position as I like to concentrate on the pleasure I am getting or giving.  But for a reluctant partner, especially when there is a language barrier, this is perhaps one of the most effective teaching tools out there because it's all about feedback.  Suggest a 69...you will give him the same amount of pleasure that he is giving you.  If he isn't doing a great job, you aren't enthusiastic about the head you're giving.  But when he licks your clit you go nuts on his cock.  You make pleasing you the impetus for his own pleasure...thereby incentivizing his effort. 

I have some other thoughts, like writing a dirty story, telling him a fantasy and then acting it out, etc but they all require possibly better communication than the language barrier allows for.

If he does any of the above, praise him over the moon for it.  It reminds me of my infant...when she does something like hit her hanging rattle, I praise her like she just invented the peanut butter cup.  It's all about encouragement.  Praise and gratitude make us more excited to do the thing that we were praised for in the first place.  Positive reinforcement wil help you on your quest.

As for his puzzlement over why you want it...

1-Most women do not climax from sex.  Porn lies. 

2-It makes you happy.  Any boyfriend worth his salt will want to make you happy.  If he doesn't, it should be a big red flag.

3-That you're not enjoying sex with him.  And you deserve to like sex.

If he is the right guy for now or for you, he will make an effort.  If he doesn't care enough to want to make you happy, it should be a big red flag and I will be so bold as to say it's worth re-thinking the relationship.  However, there are SO many guys out there who with coaxing and praise will make the effort and become great partners.  He could very well be one of those guys.

All the best...

XO
DN

Readers...do you have any additional advice for our friend?