Session 2
Between sessions 1 and 2 there was a lot of fighting. A LOT of fighting. The most hurtful thing that gets said during a fight is that one of us will threaten to divorce or walk out on the other...we each have our reasons for it, but it gets said, and it's incredibly painful and hurtful...which is kind of the point. But the thing is that each time it's used a weapon, it becomes a little more conceivable that it could/might/will happen, and another irreparable crack comes into the marriage.
So while there were things discussed at the start of the session, I was really focused on bringing up learning how to fight fairly. While we didn't establish ground rules, one thing our therapist did ask was if we could make a promise to stay for a period of time. Three months, six months....he asked each of us if we could do it. Sexyhusband realized that our wedding anniversary was in just over six months and we each agreed that we would not, could not leave before then (which in a really morbid way would be one hell of a way to celebrate the anniversary).
We talked about why we each go to that...divorce/abandonment...while we fight.
For me, it's largely about control. I feel like our world is spinning out of control right now, and even thought I know intellectually that a divorce would not simplify my life, there are ways in which emotionally not having Sexyhusband in my life feels like it would make things easier. I would re-establish control over my destiny. As a stay at home mom, one of the things I struggle most with is that I am dependent upon Sexyhusband's income and Sexyhusband. It is frightening and unfamiliar. However, there are a variety of reasons that make it the right choice at this time. For Sexyhusband, it has a lot to do with the blow to his self confidence and sense of self the layoff was. He feels like he doesn't deserve the LM and I. So I tells me to divorce him so that I could find a "better" man who deserves me and deserves our daughter.
Perhaps the best thing to really come out of that is that 10 days later I can realize that what we're fighting about isn't the heart of the marriage but instead it's fighting about normal stuff (keeping the house clean, taking a "fair" share of baby duty, blah blah blah) and then our own insecurities/psychodrama/selfesteem issues taking over and making it 1,000 times worse.
There's still a lot of work to do...
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Session 3
The general tone of our session this time was much more upbeat. Perhaps because Sexyhusband wasn't caught in the depths of depression, perhaps because I wasn't feeling as tense. Maybe because there had been some positive momentum on his job hunt. Who knows...
The topics of the session ranged from some early history of our relationship (we are steadily approaching our fifth dating anniversary) which is a story that begins with a craigslist ad to the loss of our cat (and how it ties into the experience of loss in general for Sexyhusband) to Sexyhusband's history with his now ex-employer. It steered clear of the topics that we generally fight about and in many ways was a session for our therapist to get a feel for some history that wasn't touched upon in the first session.
While I'm not sure that this session helped us resolve anything, I feel like it was good for our counselor to get a feel for us as a couple without the tenser dynamic. For him to see some of the things that make the marriage worth fighting for.
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