When Sexyhusband and I actually began to have intercourse (as opposed to the occasional quickie or the much more common handjob for him) it quickly became clear we were not one of those couples who would have sex in another room just because there was a baby present. Our baby slept in our room, and while there was a bed in the guest room, it seemed like an awful lot of effort to exert on top of the effort we were already exerting just to have sex. I am very anti sex on the couch or the floor because it's not sexy...it's uncomfortable. Perhaps I'm just getting old as my 20's become a fond memory, but when I want to fuck, I want a big soft bed to roll around on.
The first few times we had sex, the baby was asleep. Which was not really any stranger than the cat being in the room as we fucked, and even had the benefit of not being given the "I've seen better" look that the cat has perfected over the years.
It was inevitable that we'd eventually have sex with her awake near us. It wasn't weird or creepy so much as it was, well, funny. Finishing, we lay back breathing heavily. I glanced over, and was given a semi-serious, semi-contemplative look that effectively said "I've been waiting patiently...are you done? Can I have a bottle or something?" I couldn't hold back a giggle.
This is another area where I seem to exist in another universe from a lot of the moms I've spoken to. Maybe it's because we sex blogging kinky moms just aren't comfortable piping up in the midst of a conversation that is largely full of "never in front of the baby" or "it's just too weird" or my favorite "I keep my top on and make my husband keep his on too so that the baby doesn't see anything wrong." Most first year books, whether it's the Girlfriends Guide to the First Year or Baby Laughs or any number of other books I could call out all pretty much insist you won't want to have sex during your first year as a mom and your husband is a monster for wanting it. (They're also fairly negative towards sex in pregnancy...and the Girlfriend's guide is horrified you might gain enough weight to become *gasp* a size 10 during pregnancy which is laughable to plus sized sex goddesses like I)
I guess that's the reason I want to talk about sexuality and motherhood...to add a different voice to the discussion.
It is OKAY to feel comfortable being naked in front of your baby. It's not like they came out of your body wearing an adorable perfectly coordinated outfit from Gymboree. In fact, I firmly believe that comfort with nudity is one of those important values you show, and not tell. It doesn't send the right message to say "your body is a wonderful thing" and then tell a child that "naked time is in our bedrooms with the door shut." Sure, clothes certainly have their place...but so does skin.
Skin to skin contact is something many people advocate...the baby laying naked on the mother's chest. Many women also breastfeed. So I don't really understand how, especially if you do the first two things, you can freak out about being fully unclothed.
It is OKAY to have sex in your bed. Cars, couches, floors and bathrooms are fun for the occasional interlude, but my 30+ year old back certainly isn't going to do it regularly. If you have that much problem with it, maybe you really want your baby in their own room? And if you do...THAT'S OKAY TOO.
It's okay to be weirded out. It's also okay to not be weirded out.
It's okay if the first few times you end up pausing a few times because the baby breathed weirdly or made a noise or you thought you heard something. Or if your partner does. Things are different and you need to learn the new rhythms.
It's also okay if you end up stopping mid-coitus because the baby needs to be fed. I'm also giving you permission to ignore crying for a few minutes because you're inches away from finishing.
In short, I give you permission to be okay with having sex in front of your baby.
I'm really happy to hear this perspective. I don't have/want kids and I've always wondered how people manage to have sex with a baby sharing the room/bed. I guess it really just didn't occur to me that you just have sex and everything will be fine.
I've been lurking and rarely commenting for about a year now. I'm really happy you and your family is okay.
Posted by: Mabel | July 08, 2009 at 11:55 PM