Didn't I used to be kinky?

When the longest stretch of sleep you've gotten in months is 5 hours IF YOU'RE LUCKY it's not surprising that summoning the energy for sex is tough.  I know that there are these mythical babies that come home and start sleeping 12 hours through the night at 2 weeks of age or 2 months of age or whatever....if you had one, stop bragging about it-the rest of us don't want to know.

Sure the baby is growing more cute and interesting by the day.  One day they start smiling at you, and the first laugh is enough to turn your brain to goo that slides out your ears. 

BUT...think hard...when was the last time you had intercourse?  Can you not remember because you're so sleep deprived that you can't remember if you locked the front door/turned off the stove/ever moved the clothes from the washing machine to the dryer OR is it because it's been more than a week (or two)?

Pre-pregnancy, Sexyhusband and I were the type of couple that had intercourse about two times a week, sometimes three and there was lots of masturbation and hand jobs.  We didn't mind taking care of ourselves, but the other partner was generally more than willing to help out.  There was porn on the Tivo that Sexyhusband watched fairly regularly, and tons of erotica in the drawer under the bed for our perusal as the mood strikes.  We subscribed to all 4 of the Penthouse magazines and they never stayed in their discreet black plastic sleeves for long (btw, Penthouse...maybe your packaging could be a teeny bit more obvious?  We've had plenty of false alarms where we were all "yay! porn!" and then opened it and found a mutual fund profile from our investment firm, which is a fairly huge letdown).

Ironic, really, that Sexyhusband and I attended our first "lifestyle" (see kinky) conventions during my pregnancy--at 6 weeks pregnant and 6 months pregnant.  That we took classes on flogging, caning, and all manner of kinky thing when I was knocked up.  That I began topping Sexyhusband seriously when pregnant.  That I finally begged Sexyhusband to top me towards the end of the pregnancy once we collected enough data on what is and is not safe with regards to BDSM while pregnant.  In short, that we became MORE kinky during my pregnancy (as the puking allowed) than we had been previously.

We knew that giving birth would put a damper on our sex lives and the kink side of things going in.

I don't think either of us realized to what extent.

Once the LM was home from the hospital, we had my PPD to contend with.  Depression not being the sort of thing that incites a sex frenzy, sexual activity remained sporadic for quite some time. 

I want to say that our sex life really began to come back around 6 months post LM's birth.  There are lots of reasons for this...her health, her constantly reassuring evaluations by professionals who look for developmental delays, the fact that she was sleeping for longer stretches, that I was finally able to sleep without waking up to check if she was still alive many many times per night, that I had stopped pumping breastmilk, or some combination of all of the above and more.  However, our sex life coming back doesn't mean anything close to what it meant pre-baby.

It means I finally used my vibrator, which had been collecting metaphorical dust in my bedside table drawer for MONTHS.  It means that we're having intercourse about once a week...sometimes more and sometimes less.  It means more frequent handjobs when we're not having sex and Sexyhusband comes to bed at a reasonable hour. 

It was only a few days ago that it meant bringing out the BDSM toys.  The LM is 8 months old.

This is not to say that in the past 8 months we haven't done erotic hypnosis that invoked BDSM experiences, like "feel the sting of a cane on your ass" or that I haven't used BDSM scenes to bring Sexyhusband to orgasm when giving a handjob.  Or that we didn't use one of our all too rare date nights to attend an ultraviolet wand class with the BDSM organization we are part of.  We have.

But actually pulling out canes, a riding crop, and remembering how to use them required energy.  And energy, as many new moms know, is a precious commodity.

If we were a 24/7 couple, which we're not, maybe finding the time/energy to do BDSM play would have been more of a priority.  I'm certainly curious to find out how it will affect a friend of mine who is in a 24/7 relationship and is currently trying to get pregnant.  For me, BDSM is a way to get a dark thrill, a high I don't get otherwise.  But it's a high I can go months without.  That's not the case for her.  Just as I MAKE the time to read, she may MAKE the time to be submissive.

While I certainly have an issue with the message that it's okay to completely sexually alienate your partner for as long as you want after a baby (2 years?  REALLY???), I do want to reassure anyone whose reading and pregnant or post partum or thinking about becoming pregnant that you do eventually begin to rebuild your old self.  It just requires a little time...and a little sleep doesn't hurt either.

Comments

[Sera Miles]

My daughter is almost two. It gets better the second year, in terms of time to fuck and play and leave the house.

I just stumbled onto your blog via your column at Carnal Nation. My god, am I enjoying your posts. From one kinky mom to another ... thank you.