This one goes out to the sexiest Dad I know...

Warning...there is bound to be sappy sentiment ahead...

Dear Sexyhusband

You are fast approaching your first Father's Day as an actual real life kid on the outside Dad.  On the outside, you seem fairly blase about this.  But I wonder if you've stopped and thought about how much our lives have changed by your taking on that title?

You were a Dad from the moment we conceived the child we lost to miscarriage.  But with the LM, it was different.  You made a connection with her different from every other connection in your life.  And from the moment of her birth, you have been a constant.

While I did get to hold her before she went to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit), you were the one she spent her first hours of life with.  I had to rely on texts from you to find out what was going on, and how she was doing.  I wonder if you know that secretly I'm envious of those hours...you have a bond with her that I don't--you know what her first cries, her first movements, her first expressions were.  And while you are a little envious of all the moments I witness and you learn about second hand, I want you to take a moment to consider how meaningful that connection is.  When the LM asks about what she was like after her birth, she will need to ask you about those first hours. 

You were there in the hospital.  You were just as sleep deprived and in awe of her as I was.  I saw the love grow moment by moment, and the pride in her and in us.  In a way, over those first few days I saw you start to try on your dad persona.

It was when the LM got very sick and was hospitalized for those three weeks that I saw you step up and really become her dad.  You and I logged countless hours by her bedside, watching her breathe, waiting for news, researching the ins and outs of the all the medi-speak.  You ran interference for me when it became overwhelming.  In a way you had both of us to take care of as I was willing to run myself into the ground and then some...you had to force me to sleep, to eat, to remember that there was a world beyond the LM's hospital room.

Looking back, I can understand how medical drama can drive some couples apart, or create distance between parents and children.  But in our case, the opposite happened.  We tightly grabbed ahold of one another, and of our LM and our bond grew stronger.  How many fathers would go through the effort you did to share a football game with their child in intensive care when the game wasn't on the tv?  How many fathers would make videos at 5 in the morning to share a moment with their sleeping wife?  How many fathers would read Roald Dahl books to a two week old?  You did.  And in watching you do so, I fell more in love with you.

Many women in my various new mom support networks talk about having no sexual desire for their husbands.  I am puzzled by the women who talk about feeling repulsed by husbands.  I have nothing but desire for you.  It's omnipresent, and although it is tough to tease out, to find the energy to express it, to have the concentration to stay in the moment, I want you to know that it is there.

Our sexuality as a couple has had quite a few ups and downs.  My back surgery, the miscarraige, the horrible first half of my pregnancy, and the post partum period--especially when I find myself in the midst of depression.

I am very aware of how lucky I am to have a caring and patient partner.  You understand that my needs change and evolve and can be different from day to day.  That sometimes a hand job is a huge expenditure of effort.  That other times I need my back to be scratched, to be bitten, to be held down and fucked.  You understand, fundamentally, that sexuality is a fluid concept...and that it has an ebb and flow. 

You know what many of the things that affect my sexuality are, and you make a point of trying to mitigate them.  You have ensured that I get alone time.  Knowing that you will come home and do bedtime is sometimes all that gets me through the day.  And on those days, without even saying it, you seem to know that what I need is a long and loving cuddle.

You are respectful that my boundaries are less adventurous these days.  You also understand that it's not from a fundamental change in who I am, but rather that more adventurous sex requires far more energy and focus than I currently have available.  You also understand that as time passes, doors begin to re-open, and boundaries again become open to shifting and pushing.

I know how you struggle with the work life balance.  It isn't easy to be the provider for our family, an employee, a husband and a father (not to mention a son, a friend, and all the other relationships in your life).  Know that I think you succeed far more often than you fail. 

So, in honor of your first Father's Day, I would like to tell you all the ways in which you succeed...

-The look in our daughter's eyes when she sees you come home...she knows you're her Dad, and she loves you as fiercely as you love her.
-The trust she has in you is obvious to everyone who has seen you together
-Every mom who has met you and observed you with the LM has said to me how wonderful you are with her
-That you can sing a silly song to her one moment and whisper a depraved sexual suggestion to me the next is a testament to you
-That you have created a safe space for my sexuality to ebb and flow...and as time goes by, flow faster and freer

There are a thousand other things I could say, but I'll end, instead, with this thought...

Seeing you as a father makes my heart expand with love, and the breast it resides in tingle with lust...

Happy Father's Day Sexyhusband

Comments

[Christina LMT]

What an absolutely touching and heartfelt tribute. I envy you both, while at the same time remaining hopeful that one day, I might have the same kind of honest and loving relationship.

[musns]

Tell him I said happy fathers day!