There are moments when being a wife AND a mother feel impossible. That I can only do one at a time, and in trying to do both am doomed to failure every which way I turn. Last night was one of those times.
The LM is experiencing day/night inversion, and as a result, I am sleeping significantly less than I need and very little of it is at night. Sexyhusband and I are trying to take shifts, and as a result are spending much less time together than we'd like. Naked cuddle time, which used to be a nightly occurence, is only happening every few days.
Last night, in what felt like a miraculous occurence, the LM fell asleep. Sexyhusband and I pounced on the opportunity to have a very fast bout of sex. Afterwards while we cuddling, Sexyhusband got hard again and asked for a hand job. I was happy to oblige...until I heard sobs emanate from the crib.
Our crib is pushed up against the bed with the drop side taken off...sort of a half co-sleep half crib sleeping arrangement. The LM is safe in her own space, but all I have to do is reach out to hold her, comfort her, or feed her.
When the LM began to cry, I turned to comfort her while Sexyhusband waited paitently and also talked and sang to the LM to quiet her back down. She calms and we return to the previous activity. All is going well when again I hear the warning whines that promise full scale crying. We comfort the baby. We return to the hand job. Again the crying.
It is at that moment that the torn in two feeling that has been welling up inside me bursts its dam. Tears are welling in my eyes as I pick up the baby and begin to walk to the nursery to change her in hopes that it's her diaper that's keeping her awake and interfering with the hand job at hand.
I begin to apologize to her...whether it's for crying, for being angry at the interruption, for being what I perceive to be inadequate ...and the tears begin falling.
Sexyhusband rushes in from the bedroom and takes the baby, telling me to go lay down and rest, knowing I'm at my breaking point.
I take three steps back towards the bedroom and rather than return back from the breaking point as I've done so many times before, I fall over it and break. I collapsed on the floor and began to rock back and forth crying and feeling like I'm failing. When Sexyhusband steps out into the hallway with LM, he sees me and sits down next to me, trying to convince me that I'm *not* failing. When he hands LM to me, she begins to cry harder which makes me cry harder. But as she calms, I begin to calm.
The three of us cuddle in bed until the LM again falls asleep. Then Sexyhusband holds me and tells me how wonderful a job he thinks I'm doing, that I'm not failing. When the storm has passed, we both fall asleep.
Being a mother is so hard some days that it's almost comprehensible to me how some women begin to feel alienated from their sexuality. It is impossible to do everything. Something has to give, whether it's the housekeeping, showering every day, sex with your husband, sleep, time for yourself, remembering to eat, or something else. Feeling overwhelmed is a daily occurence, no matter how much help you have.
It's easy to feel inadequate. It's easy to feel unsexy. It's easy to feel like sleep is more desirable than your husband, or an orgasm.
Even for someone who is very sexual, like myself, keeping your sexuality is a struggle.
And sometimes you find yourself between a crying baby and a hard cock, feeling unable to make either happy.
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