Deliciously Naughty

Costumes

***Warning--this was written in advance--I have no idea if by the time this posts I'll still be pregnant or not***

I strongly contemplated going trick or treating as Bristol Palin tonight.  I just don't know if anyone would get what my sweatshirt, jeans, ponytail and pregnant belly would mean.  I also assume that no one would give a 30 year old woman candy for knocking on their door. (More's the pity)

I have to admit that given a choice, and were I not pregnant, my ideal costume tonight would be a harem girl costume.  It's been very difficult, if not impossible, to find one in a plus size.  Which is a shame because I'd love to play desert prince and unwilling harem girl with Sexyhusband.

A favorite costume from days past?  My sexy pirate wench costume from Wicked Faire...god I miss corsets.  On the flip side, I'm loving that my breasts are definitely larger these days.

Question of the Week #58

To anyone who celebrates it...

Are you dressing up for Halloween this year?  As what?

Bonus Question---what's your fantasy sexy costume for yourself?

Hey...Americans...VOTE

Time Sucks...

I like to kill time at many places online...

Beyond my links in the sidebar, I highly recommend

Perez Hilton if you like your Hollywood Gossip bitchy

I Can Haz Cheezburger?  if you like cat pictures captioned with bad English

Pundit Kitchen if you like the LOLCats and want to see it done to politics

Go Fug Yourself if you like to see bitchy critiques of celebrities wearing largely ugly outfits

I check these everyday and they are guilty pleasures.

Baby watch 2008...no news yet

Just wanted to break into the scheduled posting to tell you that there is NO baby yet.

There was almost a baby on my 30th birthday, as my OB was worried I was developing a disease called pre-eclampsia, but the testing came back negative and I was sent home.  Thankfully I'd already decided a party at almost 38 weeks pregnant was insanity and instead Sexyhusband and I went out alone and then met up with my Gay husband for ice cream.  The party can wait until the baby is old enough for a sitter and DN can drink again.

If all goes according to plan, however, there will be a baby this time next week.  Fingers crossed.

Until then, enjoy your scheduled posting while I go fuck Sexyhusband until he begs for mercy...it's supposed to induce labor, y'know.

30

Today I turn 30.

I find it's not so different from 20---after all, I'm not allowed to drink on this birthday either, although for very different reasons. 

However, in life experience, it's a million light years away.

In the tradition of last year, I present to you a birthday letter to myself, about the last year.

Dear 29,

This has been quite the year, hasn't it?

Obviously your every thought is somewhat pre-occupied with whether you're going to be able to go out with your friends and celebrate, or if you'll end up in L&D having your daughter steal your birthday thunder.  Deep down, you know you wouldn't REALLY mind, even if you might tease her about being a glory hog for many years to come.

Things started out rough...this time last year, there were quite a few wounds on your heart.  You were still emotionally reeling from the miscarriage and you were at sea.  Then just as things looked like they might be returning to normal when you found a job, it looked like Sexyhusband was going to take a job in another state and your plans to return to baby making were about to be thwarted. 

It was a relief when things settled down and you were employed and Sexyhusband was staying at his job, wasn't it? 

Remember your vacation to New Orleans?  You certainly drank enough in that one week to make up for the nine long months of sobriety you had ahead of you, didn't you?

You're rolling your eyes at the fit you threw when you got your period in January aren't' you?  Foolish girl, thinking you'd have trouble conceiving.  You learned fast enough that Sexyhusband and you have no problems in that area. 

I wish you could have seen ahead to February and beyond, 29, when you were castigating yourself and flagellating yourself over the miscarriage.  You learned this year that you CAN carry a baby to term, even if it meant becoming diabetic and puking for months on end.  At least you'll walk out of the hospital weighing less than you did when you got pregnant, right?

You had a lot of baby free travel this year...I hope you enjoyed that since it will not be a huge part of your future.  You went to New Orleans, Wicked Faire, Dark Odyssey, Chicago, Anaheim, San Diego, Floating World, and DC.  I also hope you enjoyed that little thing called "status" you had since you probably won't have it much longer with the airline and hotel chain you currently enjoy it with.

Your sexuality has gone through many incarnations in the past year.  I know how hard it was to have the disconnects you had.  But try to take the most important lesson you can from them--when you lose your sexuality you CAN find your way back.  Try to have faith that you'll find it again after the baby comes.  Think of it this way--you may have lost your mojo for a 1/4 of the year, but you also managed to learn many new sexual techniques, especially in BDSM, and began to come out of the kinky closet at your first lifestyle conventions.

Be grateful for your partner and remember to cut him slack.  He does a lot of wonderful things for you, and puts up with the crazy in admirable ways.

Don't worry so much about what people think of you, or obsess over your financial versus non-financial contributions to your family.  If Sexyhusband had an issue with your contribution, he'd tell you.

Also--remember to make time for yourself and your writing.  It's integral to who you are.

Love,
30

Repost--Letter to my younger self--29

This is the letter I wrote to myself last year, reposted

I'm 365 days away from 30, which must mean that I'm turning 29.

To honor the not so momentous occasion, I present a birthday letter.

Dear 28,

I know it seems like it's been a bad year with the recovery from surgery, being unemployed right now, and the loss of your first pregnancy, but if you can take a step back, you'll see how wonderful it really was.  You travelled to Niagara, San Francisco, and India.  You completed your longest story to date, sucessfully finishing the NaNoWriMo challenge.  You started what is turning into a fairly sucessful blog.  You had all sorts of incredibly sexual adventures.  It really was an extraordinary year.

In the past three months you've lost your writing momentum.  Try to gain it back.  You know in your heart how important it is to you.  Finding it again will help you as you navigate your way through the sadness you are still struggling with.

The hardest thing you'll face, 28, is learning how to forgive yourself for the miscarriage.  You need to stop searching for reasons why, and accept the loss.  Don't cast a shadow over your future children in your sorrow over this lost child.  Having said that, never forget the baby you lost, and always remember the joy and the pride you felt for them.  Keep their memory box, and take a moment now and then to open it.

Open your heart to the adventures that await.  Don't spend all of your time sitting in front of the tv zoning out, and force yourself to get back into the gym routine.  As the song goes, "There is life outside your apartment, but you have to open the door."

Remember that you have an amazing support network.  When you're sad, remember to call them.  Also remember that your job as a friend is to be there and listen as well as talk.

I know it all seems hard right now, 28.  But you'll see in time that it was a great year.  And hopefully, 28....29 will be even better.

Love

(as of midnight) 29

Repost--Letters to my younger self (through age 28)

I posted this around this time last year, but as my birthday is also coming up, I thought I would repost this, and then add a new letter at the appropriate time.

This is something I was inspired to do by a momblogger I read, who did it first and is far far cooler than I.  Anyways.....

**********************

Dear 13 year old self,

You know that boy you can't keep staring at in chorus and homeroom, but never talk to because you're totally scared?  Yes, him.  He's a sweetheart, and you should totally go for it.  A small piece of advice...when you do, stop with the fucking games and admit you LIKE him instead of trying out kissing as an "experiment."  You're genuinely cuter and funnier than you give yourself credit for.

Oh yeah, and when you do-don't tell your friend I about it.  She'll tell the whole school and you and the boy will avoid each other for all of sophomore year.

You're also NOT fat, so give it a rest.  In 15 years you'd kill to look like you, so seriously shut up.  Although...honey, can we talk about that escapee from the Ren Faire look you're sporting?  It's not working for you.  Try some jeans and a cute v-neck top.  And please please please don't perm your hair for that end of year chorus concert, or buy that white sheath dress-sheaths don't work so well for your frame and perms make you look like a demented poodle.

Also-your love for Dylan on 90210 is nowhere near as long term as you profess it to be.

hugs, your 28 year old self

*****************************

Dear 16 year old self,

It's very nice for you that you've discovered masturbation using the shower head.  Some other people might want to use the one bathroom in your apartment, though, so those 2-3 hour showers you're taking?  A teeny bit inconsiderate. 

I realize playing tennis is allowing you to eat almost anything you want, but you might want to knock that off because you're about to get injured, and your weight will not thank you when you continue to eat like an athlete.  Also, when you get injured, go to the doctor, dumbass, instead of waiting almost a MONTH to do it--you're seriously fucking up your back, and it will haunt you for years to come.

The clothes.  Sigh.  Feminist riott girl you're not, and beyond that, you live in MAINE, not NYC.  Stop being such a poseur.

Oh, and that boy you absolutely love in chorus?  He's gay.

hugs, your 28 year old self

**************************************

Dear 18 year old self

Congratulations on not becoming a Mormon because your boyfriend tried to talk you into it.  Good call.

However.  You're going to meet a boy through a friend at work.  Do NOT fuck him.  He will be the worst possible choice for your first lover.  You deserve someone so much better than a boy who's using you as a fill-in when his girlfriend doesn't feel like sex/they're broken up.  The one night stand with the co-worker, especially after making out in the freezer?  Good call!

That girl you're hanging out with?  The super popular one?  Hanging out with her doesn't actually make you cool by extension.  It makes you her pawn.  She will screw you over for the next 7 years, and get tons of sadistic pleasure out of building up your confidence and then knocking it over.  You'll save yourself a lot of trouble if you stop hanging out with her now. 

You'll leave for college next fall.  I promise it will be worth all the hassle and you'll be happier.  Try to gain some confidence to go with it.

hugs, your 28 year old self

***************************************

Dear 21 year old self,

Honey. 

What. The.  Hell.  Were.  You.  Thinking???????

The goth thing?  Sooooooooooooooooo not working.  Contrary to your boyfriend's comments, you don't look like an "Irish Princess," you look like a week dead corpse.  The velvet tops, the black nailpolish, the black hair--really really look in the mirror and see if that's you.  You'll find that soon after he dumps you, you stop with all that. 

That confidence thing we were talking about?  You've got a ways to go.

On the upside, you're doing a kickass job in school.  Keep your focus there, and for god's sake take a Math class.  You'll kick yourself for not doing it later.

hugs, your 28 year old self

**********************************************

Dear 23 year old self

So, you just moved to New York and realized that you hate NYU.  Congratulations.

Don't panic.  You will be more broke and more lonely than you'll ever be in your life, but you will make some amazing friends and you'll reconnect with the part of you that loves writing.  You remember that part of you?  You ditched her after high school and even though you were a bitch, she's still there.

The guy you're panting after?  He's a fun one night stand, but you look kind of pathetic chasing him.  He just got divorced-after your last boyfriend you should have learned that men coming out of relationships aren't healthy relationship choices.  The other guy?  Is married and not going to divorce his wife.  He's also just not that into you.

Enjoy the Broadway, realize that your roommate is going to try to screw you over, and enjoy this time in your life.  Oh, and cut up the credit cards-they're going to get you into so much trouble.

love, your 28 year old self

****************************************************

Dear 26 year old self

Oh 25, I know it hurts.  Your "best friend" of the past 7 years just betrayed you.  You never saw it coming.  I tried to warn you.  But you know what?  You're so much better without her, I swear it.

The friends you're making now?  So much healthier for you.  They'll really be there for you when the chips are down, and they'll support you through the really hard stuff ahead.

Also, you're going to meet Mr. Right this year.  You're going to be stupid and think he's only friend material after the first date, and then have to grovel when you realize how utterly wrong he is.  Here's a hint-don't skip that second date-that's when things get steamy and you realize how awesome he truly is.  Go for it!

You're enjoying your first year as a teacher-try to slow down.  You're burning through so much energy right now that by April break you're going to be a shell of exhaustion. 

The hair is looking much better.  Stay away from the home hair dye kits, and you'll be miles better.

love, 28

********************************************************

Dear 27 year old self

Congratulations-you're engaged!  Stop staring at your ring, and teach!

Also-the wedding.  Can we sit down for a second, bridezilla?  It's going to take a long time for you to come out of denial on this one.  You are making everyone's life hell with your obsessive compulsive side.  Making your own Save the Date cards is perhaps one of the dumbest ideas you'll ever come up with.  You're not going to use half the crap you're cheerfully ordering off the 8 million websites, and the only kid at the wedding will be your flower girl so you don't need to plan a night of activities for kids.

That jobhunt you're doing at the same time-stop.  You will HATE your next job, and then you will be unemployed.  How about you stay with those gifted and talented youngsters?  I know you hate the woman who does your reviews, but suck it up. 

Oh, and moving out of your classroom?  How about asking other people to do it for you?  Hiring someone with a strong back?  I know you're not going to listen to me, and you know what?  It's going to mean a month on bedrest because you have crappy insurance and had to be transferred from one hospital to another, and then surgery, and then a really long recovery time because you're going to HERNIATE A DISC moving all those fucking books.

The honeymoon-you're again in overkill.  You won't enjoy Paris because your back will be killing you and you'll be on travel overload.  How about saving it for another year?  Also-pack some spare batteries so when your camera dies on the second level of the Effiel Tower you'll be able to take pictures from the very top with something other than your shitty camera phone.

As a heads up, you're getting surgery a week before you turn 28.  Happy birthday!  As a plus though, you won't be using that walker anymore, and will actually be able to get out of bed to do more than pee.

love 28

Question of the Week #57

How does your sexuality inform your politics if at all?

Dear California--NO ON 8!

I'm not really sure where my readers live.  I know some of you aren't American citizens, and I know where a few of you are because we're friends in real life or because you talk about it on your blog. 

However, some of you may live in California. 

We need to talk.

Proposition 8 is an attempt to legislate civil rights of a specific class of people.  I know this to be true because 40 years ago before Loving vs Virginia, it was my interracial marriage that people were passing state laws against, using the SAME arguments I now hear about gay marriage.

I'm a citizen of Massachusetts.  We've had gay marriage here for 4 years.  Let me tell you how that's changed my beloved home state....

NOT AT ALL

Well, that's not true...

1-The wedding industry is making more money
2-I have students whose parents are now recognized as legal spouses, and who can now see their family considered legitimate and equal to those of their classmates

Straight marriages have not slowed down.  Straight divorces are not up.  The number of kids coming out is consistent with the rest of the country, so gay marriage hasn't turned our kids gay.

Marriage is a CIVIL RIGHT for straights and gays alike.  We do not receive permission to marry from our religious institutions--we apply for marriage licenses at City Hall, the person who performs the ceremony and signs the license MUST be given authority to do so by the STATE, and the marriage is registered with the state.  Sure,  if you're religious, it has some significance there, too, but it's not your church that legitimizes your marriage in the eyes of the local, state, and federal government--it's that form you fill out with them.  I can genuinely say that getting married, and changing my last name to that of my husband involved a LOT of paperwork...most of it with government agencies or on government issued paperwork (City Hall, my voter registration, my passport, my driver's license, my social security card).

Please go to the polls on November 4th and vote no on 8.

If you can, donate money to the cause and read more about the no on 8 movement here.

Impending arrivals and other things

Dear Friends

Two weeks from today I am scheduled to give birth.  However, I am considered "full term" and could pop at any second.  Thus, I have decided to write a few weeks of posts and have scheduled them to come online m-f of this coming week and some of the following week.

It's odd because I have no frame of reference for what is about to happen to my body.  I get, viscerally, that there is a small parasite (okay...a cuuuute widdle bay-beee...inside my uterus)--after all, she's constantly smacking me to say "hey, let's get some food in here!" or "nice job with sending me those endorphins, Mom and Dad".  I sort of vaguely understand that in two weeks I will be holding a small infant girl who Sexyhusband and I are then responsible for keeping alive.  I have an academic understanding of how she's supposed to come out.  The last two--her entry and her existence on the outside are things that I really just have no point of reference for.  I get it...but I can't quite wrap my head around it, even as I pack a bag for the hospital, wash impossibly tiny socks, and buy condoms for the first time in almost a year.

I've mentioned before that it seems strange to think of birth control.  The flip side being that the very LAST thing I want right now is the experience the "joys" of pregnancy again any time soon...give me a few years and MAYBE we'll talk.  I decided on the Mirena IUD, but my OB won't insert it until 10 weeks post-partum...which means condoms for a while.  Buying condoms was surreal.

This whole bleeding thing for weeks after giving birth  is something I also hadn't really come to terms with.  I've loved not getting my period for nine months, but I managed to block the fact that the bill would eventually come due.  Buying pads was  surreal.  I'm not really a pad kind of woman.  I'm a big fan of tampons.  I actually found myself staring longingly at the tampons opposite the bulky bags of pads in Target last week as I thought about how much the bags of pads resemble the bags of diapers I've also had to purchase.

I'm not used to be treated like I'm made of spun glass.  For all that I'm a spoiled brat and like being catered to, I am not used to hiccuping and having Sexyhusband spin around in a panic and ask if I'm having a contraction.  I'm not used to calling my mom and having her immediately ask me if it's time.  I'm not used to thinking of myself as a ticking time bomb, for all that I suppose I, like all full term pregnant women are. 

I'm not used to having Sexyhusband worry if my getting freaked out will send me into labor.  The presidential debate last week was NOT good for my blood pressure, especially McCain and his insipid little air quotes when he referred to the "health" of the mother as a left wing pro-abortion excuse for getting exemptions and holes in abortion law.  I'm pretty sure he was only half joking when he asked me to try and calm down a little because he was worried it would send me into labor.

I'm also not used to having Sexyhusband's weight atop me during sex be painful...or for the motion of sex to send heartburn right up my throat and to throw up in my mouth a little.  And yet...both have happened.  I can't be on top for physical limitation reasons on my part (my hips are screaming in agony a LOT this days, so being on top and doing the work is not happening), and doggy doesn't work for others.  We've tried some other options, but they don't work well. 

I'm not used to looking at sex with Sexyhusband and being a limited time offer sort of proposition.  Regardless of whether we get back on the horse at 4, 5, or 6 weeks, we are coming up on a drought.  So pretty much every chance I've gotten, I've jumped him.  Part of me is worried about turning down sex and then going into labor...so that the "last time" I was offered sex, I had turned it down...and I don't want to be that girl.  I realize it's not REALLY the "last time" but it feels like that in my own twisted universe.

At any rate, I wanted to share that the arrival is getting VERY close, that I will not be neglecting my blog (overly much anyways), and that I will break into scheduled posting should there be pertinent info to share.

If you are someone I know through the blog, who has been a frequent commenter/online friend and I don't have your email--and you *would* like to be subjected to baby pictures, comment and I'll add you to a private BCC mailing list out of DN.  If you're an IRL friend, don't worry--you're already on the list.

I promise to try and not let the classification of "sex blog" lapse...I already have a "mom blog" where I'll be posting all my mommy related stuff.  However, I will be posting about being a sexual woman and how being a mom is changing and transforming how I handle that.  I think I've generally struck an okay if not terrific balance up to this point with the pregnancy.

But do not fear...as I noted in my last post, we HAVE joined a kinky local organization, we are planning to attend several kinky events in 09, and I have faith in my ability to bring the sexual flames roaring back to life.  I will also share some erotica I've written that is not currently available online, and I have some back logged personal sexual experiences to share, so it will not be how breastfeeding is affecting my sexuality all the time.

Love
DN

Kinky Community Organizations

Recently Sexyhusband and I joined our local kinky community organization.  I found it both exciting and frightening.

Call us oblivious, but I wasn't super aware of the kinky groups that were local.  I knew of two, but my ex girlfriend was a member of at least one, and I kind of want to avoid running into her.  It took finding a flyer at Floating World to realize we had one practically in our backyard.

We went back and forth about whether we wanted to join it or not.

Joining a kinky group certainly raises the potential risk for being outed.  We had to think long and hard about what it would be like for us to be outed, especially with a baby on the way, or a small child were it to happen in several years.

On the other hand, community is something we are desperate for.  We have very few real life friends who are kinky, and it does grate on the nerves that we have what feel like major parts of our lives that we have to lie about or hide.  Neither of us likes that.

We weighed the pros and cons over and over, and finally joined.

Hanging out with a kinky community organization is like attending any other meeting except when you chat, you often also mention what got you into the "lifestyle."  But you also talk about your kids, your jobs, and your interests.

I think that there are many pros to joining a group like this, especially if you're new to being kinky and are looking for guidance.  The cons are that like every group, there are always jerks and flamers on the message boards or email groups.  If you don't live near a major US city in person, you may have to find one online.

Question of the Week #56

For those of you with kids....

How long until you had sex again for the first time?

For the women specifically....

How was the first time after you had the baby different?

A reason to not hate Connecticut

As a resident of Massachusetts, I have long viewed Connecticut as a 2+ hour traffic jam between me and New York City.  I have found very little to recommend it beyond the existence of the VIP and Penthouse stores, and the Electric Blue strip club.  I suppose the IKEA there was worth a thumbs up, at least until my state got one.  I have also lost my keys in Connecticut.

I'm not a huge fan of Connecticut.

So I was pretty shocked on Friday when I found out they just became the third state to legalize gay marriage.

Because now I have to re-think this whole hatred of CT thing.

I admire the Supreme Court for taking a good long look at the state constitution, contemplating the legalized civil unions, and realizing that separate is not equal.

Let me say that again...SEPARATE IS NOT EQUAL.

Civil unions are not marriage--they're better than nothing, but they create a second class of marriages somehow inferior to my own because I happened to marry a person of the opposite biological sex.

I have never understood any of the arguments against gay marriage.

-It's about procreation

Under that argument, a friend of mine and her husband's marriage is invalid because they can't have children.  So are the marriages of all straight couples who chose not have kids or who biologically couldn't.

-It threatens straight marriage

How?  It's been legal in MA for 4 years and nothing bad has happened.  No increase in divorce rates.  No burning bushes.  No vengeful god hurling bad things at us.  No plagues of frogs.  Just life, as normal.  Except that my students who's parents are gay are legally married too.

-Marriage is about religion

Firstly marriage is a civil right, not a religious one.  No one gets a marriage license from their church--you get it at city hall.  Your marriage is documented by your city government and validated by the same. 

Secondly, what about the religions that have no prohibitions against gay marriage? 

Fighting against gay marriage today is like fighting against interracial marriage 100 years ago, and I truly believe that 100 years from now people will shake their heads in frustration at us.

Congratulations and welcome to the fold, Connecticut.

Three down, Forty-Seven to go.

Happy Birthday Sexyhusband

Happy Birthday to my best friend and my partner in adventures erotic and not. 

May every year bring you happiness to temper the sadness and especially love (and lovers) in abundance.

I promise I'll get around to buying you a card.  Think of it this way...not only did I get you a present, I got you a second present--the chance to punish me for forgetting your card.

love always
DN

Becoming obsessed with my breasts

This week has gotten me very focused on my breasts.

Maybe it was the breastfeeding class.

Maybe it's the leakage I found in my bra cup.

Maybe it's her impending/imminent arrival (no matter how you slice it, we're down to the last month).

Regardless, what I used to just consider two fairly attractive (if not as large as I'd hoped) appendages, have begun to transition from decorative (drawing eyes down to the v-neck in my sweaters, adding curves to a dress) to functional (hey--stuff comes out of these).

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this.

On one hand, I've read the Science, and I know that should I be able to pull it off, breastfeeding is the best choice in terms of my daughter's future health.  In our case specifically, this is due in no small part to the fact that Sexyhusband and I have some not so sexy allergies, and breastfeeding will help her build some additional immunities, especially as I'm resuming an allergy shot regimen post-delivery, lowering HER risks of severe allergies. 

So there's some amount of "taking one for the team" that I can feel good about.

But on the other hand, I look at breastfeeding and see a lot of drawbacks.  Some are shallow and some are real.

1-I am basically turning into a cow.   Moooo.  My "job" is to produce enough milk to keep my child healthy and happy.

2-There are major drawbacks to being the ONLY person who can feed the baby at first.  Especially in the middle of the night.  Especially when you're a BIG FAN of that whole sleep thing.

3-Anyone who's being honest has admitted that it's not the most painless experience ever.  Sure there's the pain that's easily corrected because the baby latched on wrong, but there's also basic nipple toughening that needs to occur, that letdown can be painful, and things like "plugged ducts" happen to almost all women at SOME point.

4-They will never ever ever be perky again.  Granted, they haven't been super perky in years--I am approaching 30 after all.

5-There's the leak factor.  Because walking around with stains on my breasts sounds like fun.

6-Getting dressed just got a whole lot more complicated.  My winter wardrobe is pretty standard here in frigid New England.  I do the jeans and a sweater thing.  But I need access to my tits, so I need to find options that are more compatible with that, and yet do not invite hypothermia.

7-While Sexyhusband is developing a milk fetish in theory, I worry that it won't really play out in practice.

8-I still have to be careful about what drugs I can and can't take while nursing and believe me that's gotten old as a pregnant woman.

9-I'm scared that somehow I'll lose my sexuality in all of this.

Yeah...there we have it...number 9.

I'm scared that I will lose my sexuality.

I mean, my blog has kind of sucked since I got knocked up.  What happens during the six weeks I can't have sex?  What about the mental space I'll be in where  I'm so sleep deprived and baby focused that Mommy has taken over and DN is just someone I "used" to be?

It's easy to talk a good game when you're not the one having a baby.  God knows I've pontificated about it enough.  But now that I'm here, I'm frightened. 

Balance isn't easy to achieve.  I worry that I won't find it.

It's easy to blame my breasts--that's what got this mental freak out started.

But it's really about me.

Question of the Week #55

Although I'm still curious about the question asked at the end of the last post about Post Partum Depression...

What is the most erotic non-porn/erotica novel/movie that you've ever seen?

Current leaders in my mind...

1-Phantom by Susan Kay (although this may have something to do with my eeeensy obsession with Phantom of the Opera)

2-Secretary starring Maggie Gyllenhal

3-Dangerous Liaisons (both the book and the movie)

4-Dangerous Beauty

5-to be named later--I have to really think about this one myself...

Post partum dread

I look forward to the six weeks or so following the birth of our daughter with dread.  As I understand it, new baby=sleep deprivation for all the relevant adults.

Let us examine what happens when sleep deprivation kicks in for the relevant adults in this scenario...

Sexyhusband
A--Can get sick...really really sick.  As in needs to be taken care of sick.
B--Gets really really really horny. 
C----Gets cranky as hell and liable to start stupid fights when horniness is not dealt with for a week or three, and handjobs have worn off as stress relief

DN
A---Sex Drive tanks into the negative numbers
B---Emotionally needy
C---Depressive
D---Cranky and liable to start stupid fights

Anyone else see the potential issues?

We have discussed many possible ways of dealing with this.  None are off the table.  The bottom line is that certain roadblocks have to be dealt with in order to preserve marital happiness and stability.  We are not monogamous.  However, we have rules about not playing outside the marriage when things are less than stable.

Ironically, the solution that seems to have the most potential is something that Sexyhusband and I have playing around with for about a month now--erotic hypnosis.  Or, as I like to call it, topping for the lazy.

It requires no physical work on my part to make an orgasm that much more intense, or to create a scenario that plays out in his head.  To make his nipples more sensitive.  And on and on.

I worry, however, that hypnosis does not work as well when you are exhausted.

At this point the discussion has been tabled until 1 and 2 weeks post-delivery to see what the realities of the situation are as opposed to the hypotheticals.  Life will look very different if I have an infection or a c-section as opposed to a run of the mill vaginal birth.  If the baby has colic, all bets are off. 

This is one of the things that is hardest about being non-monogamous.  You put in "rules" and "when X happens, Y will occur" but the truth is that it's all bull shit.  You can't predict how someone else is going to react in a specific scenario.  You can't predict how you'll feel about anything.  You can make educated guesses, but it's always a crap shoot.

Sexyhusband and I try to circumvent that as much as possible by talking through scenarios as they appear to have an idea of what the different possible outcomes are and what "good" reactions to each might be, but in general, we try to leave the decision making up to the last minute. 

For those of you who have kids...how did you handle the post-partum no sex no sleeping time?

Sexyhusband speaks #4: Who knew?

Apparently threatening to schedule sex on the Google Calendar gets you laid. That's something to file away for future reference...

Product Review: Waterproof iVibe Rabbit Vibrator

As I noted yesterday, I was lucky enough to be contacted by The Rabbit Lady, owner and proprietress of The Rabbit Vibrator website.  She offered me a vibe of my choice provided I review it within a week of receiving it.  I chose the Waterproof iVibe Rabbit Vibrator.

I was thrilled when it arrived faster than I'd hoped for and couldn't wait to try it out....once I purchased some new batteries, that is.

The Waterproof iVibe takes 4 AA batteries--nothing crazy; I just was out, fyi.

Last night I got down to business and gave it a full test run...which was quite a lot of work as it just might be the most technologically advanced vibrator I have had the pleasure of owning.  It took a lot of time to get through all the settings, but as with all things, if it's worth doing...do it right.

This is not my first rabbit.  I already own and love the original jack rabbit vibrator, after being inspired by that classic Sex and the City espisode.

Settings...

Like most rabbits, you can control the clit vibe and the head/pearl rotation individually.  However, the iVibe also has three programs you can run at various intensities; the first rotates the head clockwise and the clit vibe runs steadily, the second rotates the head clockwise, pauses and then rotates counterclockwise while the clit vibe goes, pauses, and then goes in the opposite direction, the final program moves the head back and forth at a much faster speed and does the same with the clit vibe.  Within each program you are also free to turn up or down the intensity of the head and the clit vibe independently, making this an incredibly versatile vibe.

Did I mention it's also waterproof?  I'd make sure you have something or someone to hold onto should you make use of that--after all, most accidents in the home happen in the bathroom ;)

Ease of Use...

I will admit that the one thing I hadn't thought about when selecting my vibrator from website was ease of reach to the controls.  Should you not be eight months pregnant or super plus sized, the controls should be no problem for you.  However, I had to call in a re-inforcement in the body of Sexyhusband to run the vibe for me as the baby was getting between me and the controls.  There are plenty of rabbits that have controls on cords which might be a better option during the late stages of pregnancy or should you have any physical limitations that make keeping a hand between your legs challenging.

Putting the pregnancy reach issue to the side...

The controls are at the bottom of the shaft of the rabbit.  This is what (along with other technological advances) allows it to be waterproof. 

Once you memorize which side controls the head and which the clit vibe, it's very easy to switch intensity and between programs.  Fun and easy to use.

Orgasm Quality...

There's a reason Charlotte didn't leave her apartment for days after being introduced to the rabbit.  Like all the rabbits, it has the ability to stimulate your clit and hit your g-spot simultaneously.  And for me, once I begin to come and my pussy starts clenching, the pearls send me over the edge.

Because of all the options, it may take you a little bit of time to find the right combination of settings for you.  While I enjoyed the second and third programs, after a while I found them inhibiting my orgasm because of the constant changing from clockwise to counterclockwise--for me, I'd consider using them to get revved up and then switching to the first program or manually directing it to go actually achieve orgasm.

Overall Product Review...

If you are 8 months pregnant--It's an A product if you have someone to man the controls while you enjoy yourself.  If you are lacking back-up, it's a B- for reach issues.  However, my recommendation is that it would make an EXCELLENT return to sex present once the kid is out and your pussy is up to being petted again.

If you are not pregnant--A+.  At 110 dollars normally (currently on sale for 96 and change) it's a worthwhile investment.  The versatility both in terms of all the programs and manual options and taking into account that it is waterproof all make it worth the money.  This is a toy for those of you who already have vibes and are looking for something a little more intense, a little more versatile.  I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to a vibe virgin, but if you're ambitious, by all means vibe away.

Overall Website Review

Therabbitvibrator.com also gets an A+ from me.  It's a specialty site, for certain, as they ONLY sell rabbit vibes.  However, I didn't realize there were so many options!  They sell 20 different rabbit vibrators ranging from the classic to the strap on variations.  Prices range from 22 for the bunny vibrating egg to 99 (at current sale prices) for the Hop 'n Stroke rabbit (which looks quite interesting) with many price point in between.  I can personally attest to great customer service and prompt delivery.  My rabbit arrived in a discreet package with no signage to indicate that it was from an "adult" store, so if you're nervous about the postman or your neighbors knowing, I can promise this isn't a store that will give you away.  At this time, they do only ship within the US (sorry international friends and readers).

I strongly encourage you to check out the rabbit vibrator store, and to find a product that works for you.  You'll find them permanently linked in my places to shop list over on in the right handed column.

What do you say when you're contacted by the Rabbit Lady?

What does a blogger do when she gets an email from the Rabbit Lady?

If you're me...the first thing you do is to think it's a hoax...I mean who offers you a free rabbit vibrator in exchange for a review and a link?  Then you check out the references she provides and you realize it's not.

Then you go to her site, and pick your vibe and look forward to the mail arriving like a little girl waiting for Christmas morning.

The vibe arrives within a few days and you realize you don't have enough AA batteries.

Sigh.

You go to Target and buy batteries for the vibe (and the 8 million baby things that need batteries).

Then you go upstairs to try out the new waterproof iVibe Rabbit in all it's luscious purple glory.

I'll let you know how it goes...