Pregnant BDSM

I am loathe to talk about this topic as I am hardly an expert.  However, I had a hell of a time finding the kind of information I wanted and needed, so I am offering my experiences and the advice I received up for public consumption. 

***************Disclaimer***********************

This is by no means a comprehensive discussion and you should do research on your own and discuss with your partner what boundaries and lines YOU are comfortable with.  I am not a medical professional, and I take no responsibility or liability for results of activities discussed herein.  

***************Body Parts and BDSM*********************

Let's review the pregnant body and potential areas of risk/controversy, shall we?

Breasts

In pregnancy, your breasts often swell at least a single cup size, and often more than one due to the development of milk ducts.  There is a great deal of controversy about what you can do, should do, and should abstain from doing BDSM with during pregnancy.  I have heard that rope bondange and impact play can damage the developing ducts if done incorrectly, and that restricting blood flow because of tight rope bondage can affect your blood pressure.  I have also been told that the ducts are covered by enough fat that neither impact play nor bondage should actually rupture or injure a developing milk duct.  The second opinion was given more often than the first, but overall the opinions broke down 1/3 to about 2/3rd in favor of breast play being okay.

HOWEVER...and this is different for every woman....but....

My breasts were super sore almost from the second that the word positive flashed on my pregnancy test.  A soft caress was torture, and I didn't want Sexyhusband ANYWHERE near them until almost the end of the first trimester.  You should think about how much your breasts can handle, and be aware that it will change throughout the pregnancy.

I found that my nipples were MUCH more sensitive, and while I was never a fan of nipple clamps prior to pregnancy, I can't imagine using them at this point.  If you do use them, I'd suggest using a lighter touch and a shorter time limit (safety dictates about a 20 minute max under normal circumstances...I'd suggest no more than 5-10 for a pregnant woman).  As the second trimester progressed, the sensitivity has lessened a bit, but is still significantly higher for me than prior to my pregnancy.  Another thing to factor in when considering using nipple clamps is the colostrum factor...my breasts began discharging colostrum around the second trimester, but for some women this can start much earlier or later than that.  I would imagine, however, that the colostrum could make your nipples much more difficult to clamp, depending on the clamp, and might make them more slippery...and one of the most painful things I've ever had happen with nipple clamps is feeling one pop off.  You might want to use something like clothespins or metal clamps to get a better grip than something tipped in rubber that could slide off.

When it comes to bondage, I think that your level of experience should dictate how much you do it while pregnant as well as the tenderness of your breasts.  Sexyhusband and I are very much novices at rope bondage--in fact, a friend had only taught us a basic chest harness the weekend I conceived the little girl and we found out about the pregnancy approximately 2 weeks later.  For us, it wasn't a smart move to continue to play with rope bondage because we just aren't experienced enough to make good judgment calls.  I think, however, if you've been doing it for long enough that you feel confident making judgment calls about how tightly you're binding the breasts, then you are probably fine to decide for yourself on this.

As for impact play, I decided that erring on the side of caution made sense for us.  We are effectively still novices at BDSM and with the sensitivity factored in, it just didn't seem like a safe area to play with.

Belly

Your belly obviously undergoes the majority of the physical changes when pregnant.  Your muscles stretch as the baby grows.  Your stomach and other organs are shifted up to make way for the growing uterus, so not everything is where it normally is.  See below....

 

During the third trimester, the stomach muscles even split apart to allow for the final development of the fetus. 

Corsets should not be worn during pregnancy, unless you are wearing a maternity corset that does not constrict your abdomen.  It is interesting to note that post-partum is one of the few times when a training corset can actually reshape your rib cage to help create the desirable hourglass shape.  This is because your rib cage needs to return to it's original place after opening up a bit in the third trimester...and you can convince it to become smaller. 

I'm not entirely clear as to the safety of overbust corsets when you're nursing.  I do know that you're not supposed to wear under wire bras because they can cause plugged ducts and mastitis.  I imagine that the boning in corsets could be equally problematic.  I am, however, planning to occasionally use my underbust corset while nursing.  Just info for you to know.

Impact play is not something you probably ever want to engage in with the stomach.  However, this article talks about the issues surrounding impact during pregnancy.  Basically, the harder you're hit, the more you're risking a placental abruption, which could mean early delivery and possible death the fetus.  Don't do it.  Period.  There was full consensus on this one.

Rope Bondage in pregnancy was a bit more tricky.  I was told by a midwife not to do it because it could/would cut off flow to the fetus.  I was, however, told by an EMT that it's all about knot placement and just not to do it too tightly.  There was also at least one or two presenters at DO/FW who said they didn't think it was harmful.

Again, I'm going to say that you're going to have to make your own call, and you should largely make it upon careful reflection of your skill level.  I would strongly caution you to put fishing line behind at least one rope so that in an emergency you can tug on the fishing line to have easy access to cut through the rope.  Keep your scissors handy.  In this case, my decision to avoid rope bondage was a combination of inexperience, and that I took the advice of the midwife as being the most expert in this particular area. 

When topping, just be careful that you don't smack yourself in the belly on your swing or follow through.

Inner Thighs

I was told by the same midwife cited in the last section that the inner legs, especially the inner thighs were called "the valley of clots" and that impact there during pregnancy could cause a clot to break loose and cause serious damage to the mother.  I will say that I haven't found a lot of data to support this, except an article here about pregnancy massage that notes about halfway down that "During pregnancy, the veins that might harbor these thromboemboli or deep vein thrombosis (DVT) are the iliac, femoral and saphenous veins of the inner thigh."

I was told by the EMT cited in the breast section that biting is fine and poses no risk, but he was the only person to bring up biting.  I met him working as DM (dungeon monitor) at FW, so I would assume that he is correct.

Personally, I don't go in for a lot of play on my inner thighs as they're ticklish so I can't speak to this. 

The Back

Guess what?  Nothing happens to your back during pregnancy.  Have fun! 

Well, not quite nothing...after week 16 or so of your pregnancy, you are not allowed to lay on your back because the weight of your uterus will slow blood flood through the aorta and the vena cava, which takes blood to and from your uterus.  This is a general rule of pregnancy and does not just apply to sex/BDSM.

However, the back is where the majority of our impact play has gone.  It is one of the few areas with no warnings, contradictions, or changes from what is considered safe on a regular basis.  Unlike your organs in the front, your kidneys do not change position, so as long as you knew where they were in the first place, your information is still correct and stay the hell away from them as always.

We chose not to continue to use floggers on me during pregnancy because Sexyhusband is working on his aim and I was concerned about wrapping.  It's hard to go flying into sub space when you're focused on how safely your partner's blows are landing or don't completely trust their aim.  I would, however, encourage people to continue to use floggers, canes, whips, sensation toys or whatever you currently play with on the back.  I wouldn't necessarily start using whips or floggers during pregnancy if you haven't used them before, but as we found out, starting to cane during pregnancy is perfectly safe, especially once you've done a few educational sessions (hit there, that's a bit low, etc).

The Ass

Controversy reigns once more.  I have been told the ass is totally safe to wail on, and I have been told it's totally unsafe.  I've been told just to stay away from the crack because of the location of the coccyx (tailbone) and that motion/force would travel though and impact on the uterus.  I've been told that the lower cheeks are the only completely safe place to hit a pregnant woman. 

Personally, I have no clue when it comes to impact.  Other than slaps with a hand, we have generally avoided impact play on the ass.

I will say that a big consideration would be what you're leaning over.  Obviously you want to stay away from any and all furniture that requires you bend over or brace yourself against a hard surface.  Even if being spanked really hard with a hand/paddle/whatever is totally safe, the reaction to the impact (your hand hits my ass, my hips move forward a bit from the force of the impact) is to slam your belly against the solid object, which is NOT SAFE.  If you are going to be bent over, I encourage you to go into "doggy style" position or to lean over a stack of pillows.  You can make your own judgment call about your partner's lap.

The Feet

Interestingly, there are pressure points in your feet that can cause you to go into labor.  I have been told by anyone who knows anything about massage, including two massage therapists that you should NEVER rub the bottom of a pregnant woman's foot.  If you are a professional massage therapist who specializes in pregnant foot massage, maybe you know the specific point to avoid, but for the rest of us, stay away.

I don't know that caning feet is out, as it seems to be a problem with massaging a specific pressure point that could induce labor, but it's not my kink.  Tickling is fine, as is sucking and general light touch.  I have gotten a light massage on the tops of my feet and my Achilles tendons which felt nice, and might make for good service bottoming to a pregnant top.

I advise against wearing heels for extended periods during pregnancy, especially if you're about to engage in a long scene.  I found going barefoot or wearing comfortable flats (I admit it....flip flops after I'd blindfolded my sub and when I bottomed)  made for a much more enjoyable experience.  Another issue with heels during pregnancy is that they put strain on your low back.  Not that this isn't always true, but remember, the growing baby is already doing a number on your low back and the relaxin that is coursing through your body is softening and loosening the ligaments in your low back and they can be strained or injured much more easily.  Heels aren't a total no-no, but they should be worn for shorter periods of time only.  Fetish heels are much higher than normal heels and thus the impact is also more severe.  

Upper arms

Again, nothing happens here during pregnancy.  If you've done impact play on your biceps before, or even if you haven't, it's a great place  to do so during pregnancy.  Make sure you know how to throw a safe punch (so you don't damage your thumb) before you do so.  I've always found it pleasurable to get sensation and impact here.

The Face

There aren't any major changes that happen to your face (perhaps water retention).  If you've done light slapping or whathaveyou before, it is still safe to do so.  If you haven't, it might be another good thing to try.

*************************Emotional Issues************************

I believe a specific concern with BDSM during pregnancy is that as a pregnant woman, your emotional state is almost constantly in flux.  Even if you (like me) are a woman who generally enjoyed verbal humiliation (being called a slut, a whore, whatever) pre-pregnancy, this is not a guarantee that you will continue to do so.  I personally experienced moments when Sexyhusband called me a slut and I almost began crying, wondering why he was being so mean to me.

It's hard to predict when a change will occur.  You need to have iron clad safe words and signals that will stop a scene dead if an emotional change does occur and the pregnant woman no longer feels safe.  While I think this is more of an issue as a bottom, I can see how a top could go through an emotional shift and suddenly want to cry at the idea of calling her submissive names or want to put down the flogger.  It has to be clear to her that it is 100% OKAY if this happens.

Aftercare also becomes a bigger deal when you're pregnant, or at least it did in my case.  I needed the extra reassurance that I had done well, that I was loved and cherished (especially when I had consented to verbal humiliation within the scene), and that I had to be brought back to myself even more cautiously and carefully than before.

Your sex drive will most likely change and there is NO way to predict how it's going to change.  I had a LOT of issues early on, which made my sex drive tank.  These problems included early bleeding, for which I was put on pelvic rest (nothing in the vagina), and bleeding every time I orgasmed (which made me scared of sex).  Once I got over the fear (basically once I'd finished the first trimester and was no longer terrified I was about to miscarry for the second time in a row) and finally stopped fucking bleeding, I was in the throes of the worst pregnancy nausea known to woman-kind.  I lost 10lbs in 5 weeks.  It took anti-nausea meds and time to help me get to a point where sex was even remotely interesting again on a regular basis.

You may have a harder time maintaining the mood.  Many women, including myself, can be sucked out of the mood by a well placed kick, a bout of heartburn (nothing says sexy like throwing up in your mouth a little) or the awkward positions you may have to assume to have intercourse.  Sexyhusband and I personally recommend  Nina Hartley's Guide to Pregnant Sex DVD.  It helps in terms of suggested positions that will be less awkward during the later stages of pregnancy as well as giving a visual demonstration of perineal massage (helpful to keep you from tearing during delivery). 

Blood flow increases dramatically during pregnancy and you may find that orgasm is either easier or harder to achieve.  I often find myself shrieking at Sexyhusband to touch me more softly damnit on the clit because it's so sensitive.  Often, it's difficult to achieve orgasm through anything other than a vibrator under my control because it's too easy to reach the pain point where you know orgasm is never going to happen through touch.

*****************Types of Play and Options********************

This is a tricky and by no means comprehensive list of topics.  I don't engage in many types of play (blood play particularly comes to mind) so I can only speak to my experiences.

Topping

As a switch, most of my fears surrounding pregnancy and BDSM were as a bottom.  Thus I spent the first six or so months of pregnancy exclusively topping.  If you are a bottom, this may be a good time to play with topping.  You feel more in control, you are selecting the toys, and you are the one who is in charge of running the scene.  One of the biggest issues I've faced as a pregnant woman is a loss of control of my body...topping was great in that it gave me the illusion of control (and some amount of real control).

However, when you top, you do need to disclose your condition if you're playing with someone who isn't your partner.  You need to talk about what limits you might have, such as not using a violet wand on someone (more about electricity play in a minute).  You need to explain that your emotional state may cause you to stop a scene, and you'll want to arrange a specific phrase that says you're about to shut a scene down.

Bottoming

Bottoming requires a MUCH more in depth discussion, especially if you're about to submit to someone new.  I personally chose to not submit to anyone but Sexyhusband during my pregnancy.  It was disappointing at times, and there were people who made it clear that they would enjoy topping me who I would normally have consented to playing with, but the thing is that no one was as invested in the little girl growing inside me as myself and Sexyhusband.  Thus, he was the only one I felt comfortable submitting to.  Remind yourself that it is OKAY to be uber choosy about who you submit to while pregnant.

You need to talk about your body, and what YOUR limits are as a submissive.  You need to go over your body parts like I did in the section above and explain what can and can not be done to your body (depending on what YOU are comfortable with and how knowledgeable the top in question is).  You need to have a phrase/safeword that stops the scene cold.  Explain your needs regarding aftercare as well.

Electricity Play

Don't do it.  I'm not kidding.  Violet Wands are out.  My physical therapist won't even do electro-stim on my back because there's enough of a risk that it could send my uterus into contractions.  Everyone is in strict consensus on this one--stay the hell away from electricity play.

Hot Tubs/Hot Water

This is actually in all the pregnancy books.  You need to avoid submerging your body in hot water, and raising your internal temperature over 101 degrees maximum.  In early pregnancy it can cause death to the fetus, and throughout the pregnancy it can cause harm.  Running a fever of 101 or higher is cause to call your OB right away, so hot baths and especially hot tubs are out.  It's depressing...believe me, I know, but it's for the little one's safety.

Pet Play

This was the only way that I felt comfortable submitting for quite some time.  I invented a pet persona, Kitty, who was a cherished pet kitten of Sexyhusband.  I wasn't allowed to be verbal except for meows (which I can do tonally to express a variety of feelings) which made me submissive.  There was a cue if I did need to communicate in words, which is a necessity especially when you are pregnant and a position becomes uncomfortable (such as being on all fours, which makes my belly hurt after a while...an increasingly shorter time the heavier my daughter gets).  Being a cherished pet keeps you in the submissive role, but doesn't bring any of potential issues that impact play or bondage do.

Bondage

I found this article on pregnant bondage.  It's worth reading in addition to my comments on bondage with regards to specific body parts above.  There's also this DVD...not instructional, but if you love bondage and don't want to do it yourself, you can at least watch it being done.  I haven't viewed it, but it came up on several google searches.

Something worth contemplating, especially in the later stages of pregnancy is that you probably want to avoid doing rope bondage that limits your mobility for one simple reason--the frequent and irresistible need to pee.  Unfortunately, should the baby decide to hang out on your bladder you will go from zero to sixty in very little time.  After around 20/24 weeks or so, all the kegeling in the world won't stop you from having an accident.  And you probably don't want to cut through expensive pretty fetish rope, do you?  Think about doing more decorative bondage as opposed to mobility related bondage.

It bears repeating that you can't be on your back after 16 weeks of pregnancy, even on a soft bed.  Do not consent/ask a pregnant woman to lay on her back and get tied down.

I don't know enough about suspension play to give any advice on this topic, but I would guess that it is most likely less safe during pregnancy and you should research it further if you wish to continue to play with suspension.

Impact Play

Like I noted above, you need to take each body part and your/your play partner's competence into account.  Make the right judgment calls for you.

Fetish Furniture

I'm basically lumping crosses, spanking benches, etc all into one category.  My advice is to be aware of your stomach at all times.  I chose not to be tied to a cross when submitting because I found it much safer to brace my body about six inches off the cross so that I kept it safe at all times.  You don't ever want to be in a position where a blow would send your stomach into impact with a hard object.

Additionally, remember that after 16 or so weeks you should never be laying flat on your back.  Laying on your back slows blood flow in the vena cava and the aorta which slows blood flow to and from your uterus.  This is a rule in general and not just about sex and BDSM.

Fetish Clothing

As I noted above, corsets should be avoided during pregnancy.  There are pregnancy corsets, but I don't see the value in spending a ton of money to wear something for such a short period of time.  I know it hurts...remember I went to two sex conventions and had to leave my pretty corsets behind...but it's for the best.

As noted above again, heels are to be avoided or worn for short periods of time only.

Tight clothing is going to be problematic, and often painful if it's near your belly.  If it doesn't breathe or have give, it shouldn't be near your belly.  You can do all sorts of tight things like vinyl/rubber gloves, tops and skirts if you wear them low enough. 

You're going to have to get creative because your body is changing and it may not go back to normal.  Some women gain a shoe size during pregnancy, so I'd advise against buying cute mistressy boots during pregnancy (or do what I did and go a 1/2 size larger if they are the cutest shoes you've ever seen and you MUST have them). 

I found that things that were see through and mesh or involved elastic waistbands worked best.  Something to consider.

*******************Medical Stuff*********************

Your OB Needs to Know

This is an uncomfortable conversation.  I've had it with two OB's in the past year.  But they need to know if you are not monogamous (more extensive STD testing and more frequent STD testing than a monogamous woman), and if you are into the scene, especially if you're going to show up from time to time with bruises.  You may want to try find a doctor on Kink Aware Professionals (an NSCF site) but you may not be able to find an OB there (I wasn't and I live near a major US city with a TON of hospitals).  You're going to have to be comfortable doing some education on the topic and possibly interviewing several OB's or Midwives to find one who is comfortable dealing with a practitioner of BDSM.

In my case, my doctor was a bit thrown, but basically asked me to be careful and said that if I had questions she could try to find answers, but was honest and did not know anything about BDSM.  She asked me once or twice if I was being abused and when I assured her that I am not a victim of domestic abuse, she dropped it and we haven't spoken of it since roughly 18 weeks ago.  Not every OB may have this opinion, however, so be prepared.

When to call the doctor/go to the hospital...When things go wrong

You need to know what signs of something wrong are...

1-Clear fluid leaking from your vagina that is not urine and not cum.  I had an embarrassing incident where mid-sex I basically peed on Sexyhusband.  However, because of cum and other liquid, I couldn't quite figure out what the liquid was.  I called the OB's office and they told me to do the following--wipe, put on a pad and lay down for 1 hour.  If I soaked through a pad in an hour to come in immediately because it was likely premature rupture of membranes.  I didn't, and we concluded that his weight probably just pressed down on my bladder, causing me to have an accident.  If you see clear liquid and can't identify it, call your OB right away.

2-Blood.  If you are seeing blood, you need to call your OB.  It could be a sign of miscarriage, a UTI infection, or something totally different.  It depends on where you are in your pregnancy.  In my first pregnancy, it meant I was miscarrying.  In my second, it was because my placenta had some trouble implanting and some blood had pooled in my uterus--every time I orgasmed, some came out.  There's NO WAY of telling, and you need to talk to the doctor ASAP.

3-Contractions.  If you are feeling contractions, you need to talk to your doctor.  If you are before week 36, and feel more than 4 in an hour (or whatever guidelines your doctor may give you) it's a warning sign and you want to get into the hospital before you go into active labor...they can stop it most of the time.

4-Dizziness or Faintness--could be a warning sign of many things.  Call your doctor.

5-Decreased Fetal Movement-after 28 weeks, you should be doing regular kick counts.  If your baby is showing decreased fetal movements, do not wait several days to call your doctor.  Call them immediately.

In the end, it is much better to be the worried pregnant lady than to be the lady who loses a baby because she didn't call the doctor.

**************Final Thoughts***************************

This has been a lengthy but not comprehensive look at pregnancy and BDSM.  If you are someone who has engaged in BDSM while pregnant, please add your experiences to the comments and I'll string them together into a follow up post.  If you are a doctor or other medical professional and have additional information, please do the same.  If you want to share information, but do not want to be identified publicly email me at the link in the right hand column and I'll post it for you anonymously.  Please just identify where your info is coming from in your email.

If you have specific questions that I haven't addressed, please email them to me directly or post them as comments.  I have several contacts I can email and am happy to do research.  If I can't find an answer, I at least promise not to bullshit you and will confess that I don't know/couldn't find you an answer.

Sex during pregnancy can be fun, and pregnancy is not a reason to stop being kinky.  You need to be informed, make the judgment calls that are right for you, and be open to the idea that your limits and boundaries are going to be shifting.  Communication with your lover(s) is key during this time especially.

I hope that I've been somewhat informative, and that this helps at least one pregnant and scared horny pervert.  I've tried to write the article I wish I had found 24 weeks ago when I wanted to play but had no clue what I could and couldn't do.

Comments

[Christina LMT]

Thank you, excellent post!
One thing I might mention, as long as you have something (a pillow or bolster) underneath the right hip/lower back, it's fine to lie on your back when you're pregnant. That's according to my pre-natal massage DVD...:) I'll have to crack my accupressure book open to find out which pressure points to avoid. I know you shouldn't compress or pinch the part of your hand where the thumb joins the palm. That's a no-no. I'll get back to you...

[Higgo24]

Thank You!for your post.
It is just what I was looking for, informative & speaking from both experience and research.
Cheers...

[Mila]

This is quite well done, but you have to watch a few things. Who told you that you can't lay on your back after sixteen weeks of pregnancy!? This is quite silly if a professional stated such, so I'm assuming it's a case of misinterpretation of the info at that link. Women put on strict (hospitalized) bed rest in the 2nd and 3rd trimester are often restricted to being flat on their back up to a full 24hrs a day for several days on end. Certainly, healthy, pregnant women can lay however they please.

**Sleeping** on your back may but does not typically interfere with blood flow (return circulation via the vena cava - the abd. aorta will hold its own) unless you have pre-existing complications, but the circulation deficit caused by laying on your back while pregnant is a fraction of that caused by standing up. The circulatory resistance caused by a 40wk (10-14lbs?) pregnant uterus does not hold a flame to that caused by gravity.

Seriously. You can lay on your back for the duration of BDSM/sexual activity, but it's "best" to sleep on your left side that evening.

Regarding blood clots, impact on the inner thighs isn't going to free a DVT unless you have one to be freed, and if you do, you're in a bad situation regardless of whether you're pregnant or not.

[Sierra]

Thank you so much for taking the time to research and type this up, you've been an immense help to me!