Since Sexyhusband and I made the decision to start trying for another pregnancy around December, the sex has been different, at least for me. The obvious difference is not having to remember where the fuck we left the condoms, or having to stop and put a condom on, which allows things to be more spontaneous. The more subtle difference, at least for me, is that when we make love I get lost (mostly) in the moment, but when we're done there's a part of my mind that wonders if this might be the time that I get pregnant again.
This second attempt has been very different from the first time out. With my last pregnancy, we sort of decided to take the gloves off, so to speak, and were somewhat ambivalent about the outcome. We're both around 30, we're both overweight, and all the books said those two factors should have meant that conception should have taken 6+ months. But the last time around, we tosssed out the birth control and within 3 weeks I had a positive pregnancy test. I knew my general period cycle, but didn't give it much thought as I wasn't expecting to be pregnant soon. It was summer, and I wasn't working at all, so there was much sex.
Given the speed with which I got knocked up last time, fair or not, there was a part of me that expected it to be equally easy this time. However, my cycles are less predictable post-miscarriage, so it's hard to predict when I'm actually fertile. I've agreed not to use an ovulation kit unless we're still trying in summer. Secondly I'm currently working 3 jobs. Yes, three. Arguably four if you count the two separate jobs I'm doing for one job. I'm fucking tired, and sex isn't something I've been able to prioritize much these days.
I've peed on two sticks in the past week.
Both have said "not pregnant."
I'm ridiculously hormonal right now, which translates to zero to bitchqueen in 3 seconds flat. I know Sexyhusband wouldn't voice this publically, but I imagine it's a bit like living with someone who has Multiple Personality Disorder. However, it's not just being bitchy...something new post-miscarriage is how teary my period can make me.
I know my period is coming and it upsets me.
I understand that every pregnancy is different. I know that I'm lucky to at least have conclusive proof that I *can* get knocked up. I know someone who is on their 4th try at IUI (intra-uterine insemination) with no luck. The thing is, knowing how easy it happened last time, part of me expected it to be easy again this time.
To tie it back to sex....
Sex can occasionally seem like a chore. I get stressed when we're not having sex often enough...and because I don't know my fertile period, I have to account for a longer swath of time just in case. Working so much has made it hard to really have the energy or interest in the kind of sex we had in New Orleans. It almost feels easier to have a quickie and use my vibrator to get off.
The problem with all of that is that it isn't fair. It's not fair to Sexyhusband because it objectifies him, and reduces him to the product of his orgasm. It's not fair to me because I'm not enjoying sex as much.
I don't know a solution, but I know the problem.
It's easy to say "just have sex and not worry or think." It's impossible, at least for me, to actually DO that. It's just not who I am. I overthink everything, which is generally a fairly adorable personality quirk.
I also know that once I see the positive test result, I will be in a complete panic for about two more months. Having lost a pregnancy, I will be in mortal fear of losing another one until I reach the landmarks I never reached with the first baby. A strong and healthy heartbeat. Growth past six weeks and a day on the part of the fetus. Being pregnant at the start of my second trimester. The one thing I do understand this time is that there's nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage if it does happen again. I did everything perfectly-I took my vitamins, I ate healthily, I went overboard and totally cut out caffeine, I didn't drink and I haven't had a cigarette in more than 8 years, and once things went poorly I put myself on bedrest; and none of that helped or changed a damn thing.
There are times when I wish that having a baby was the kind of easy process that it is in fairy stories--lift a cabbage leaf and there's the baby. It's selfish of me to insist on procreating when there are so many kids who need a home, but I want to do it, if I can. I just wish that I didn't have so much emotional baggage about becoming pregnant, or being pregnant.
I don't know if it's really the trying to get pregnant thing, or being overworked, or what, but I miss the sex life I had this time last year.
Comeon...it's just like fallin' off a log.
Y'all just need to find a comfortable log and then you're in business.
(Peeing on sticks made me think of an outdoors venue, ya see)
Mr. Upton Ogood
Posted by: Mr. Upton Ogood | January 22, 2008 at 01:56 PM
Aw hon, you are not alone in your feelings. Sex for babies is not fun, there is to much emotional shit surrounding it and it takes the impromptu fun out of it. It does feel like a chore, it does not feel like fun and all in all it just sucks.
My fingers are crossed regardless.
Email me & let me know if I'll get to see you in February.
Posted by: Musns | January 22, 2008 at 02:56 PM
*hugs*
I'm quite a ways off from getting pregnant, so no advice. Just hope that you feel better, less stressed...and more *hugs*!
Rae
Posted by: Rae | January 23, 2008 at 07:32 PM
Hang in there gal. Treat yourselves to a leisurely make-out and grope session with no pressure to have sex. xo Goldslut
Posted by: Goldslut | January 25, 2008 at 05:05 PM