Letters to my younger self

This is something I was inspired to do by a momblogger I read, who did it first and is far far cooler than I.  Anyways.....

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Dear 13 year old self,

You know that boy you can't keep staring at in chorus and homeroom, but never talk to because you're totally scared?  Yes, him.  He's a sweetheart, and you should totally go for it.  A small piece of advice...when you do, stop with the fucking games and admit you LIKE him instead of trying out kissing as an "experiment."  You're genuinely cuter and funnier than you give yourself credit for.

Oh yeah, and when you do-don't tell your friend I about it.  She'll tell the whole school and you and the boy will avoid each other for all of sophomore year.

You're also NOT fat, so give it a rest.  In 15 years you'd kill to look like you, so seriously shut up.  Although...honey, can we talk about that escapee from the Ren Faire look you're sporting?  It's not working for you.  Try some jeans and a cute v-neck top.  And please please please don't perm your hair for that end of year chorus concert, or buy that white sheath dress-sheaths don't work so well for your frame and perms make you look like a demented poodle.

Also-your love for Dylan on 90210 is nowhere near as long term as you profess it to be.

hugs, your 28 year old self

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Dear 16 year old self,

It's very nice for you that you've discovered masturbation using the shower head.  Some other people might want to use the one bathroom in your apartment, though, so those 2-3 hour showers you're taking?  A teeny bit inconsiderate. 

I realize playing tennis is allowing you to eat almost anything you want, but you might want to knock that off because you're about to get injured, and your weight will not thank you when you continue to eat like an athlete.  Also, when you get injured, go to the doctor, dumbass, instead of waiting almost a MONTH to do it--you're seriously fucking up your back, and it will haunt you for years to come.

The clothes.  Sigh.  Feminist riott girl you're not, and beyond that, you live in MAINE, not NYC.  Stop being such a poseur.

Oh, and that boy you absolutely love in chorus?  He's gay.

hugs, your 28 year old self

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Dear 18 year old self

Congratulations on not becoming a Mormon because your boyfriend tried to talk you into it.  Good call.

However.  You're going to meet a boy through a friend at work.  Do NOT fuck him.  He will be the worst possible choice for your first lover.  You deserve someone so much better than a boy who's using you as a fill-in when his girlfriend doesn't feel like sex/they're broken up.  The one night stand with the co-worker, especially after making out in the freezer?  Good call!

That girl you're hanging out with?  The super popular one?  Hanging out with her doesn't actually make you cool by extension.  It makes you her pawn.  She will screw you over for the next 7 years, and get tons of sadistic pleasure out of building up your confidence and then knocking it over.  You'll save yourself a lot of trouble if you stop hanging out with her now. 

You'll leave for college next fall.  I promise it will be worth all the hassle and you'll be happier.  Try to gain some confidence to go with it.

hugs, your 28 year old self

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Dear 21 year old self,

Honey. 

What. The.  Hell.  Were.  You.  Thinking???????

The goth thing?  Sooooooooooooooooo not working.  Contrary to your boyfriend's comments, you don't look like an "Irish Princess," you look like a week dead corpse.  The velvet tops, the black nailpolish, the black hair--really really look in the mirror and see if that's you.  You'll find that soon after he dumps you, you stop with all that. 

That confidence thing we were talking about?  You've got a ways to go.

On the upside, you're doing a kickass job in school.  Keep your focus there, and for god's sake take a Math class.  You'll kick yourself for not doing it later.

hugs, your 28 year old self

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Dear 23 year old self

So, you just moved to New York and realized that you hate NYU.  Congratulations.

Don't panic.  You will be more broke and more lonely than you'll ever be in your life, but you will make some amazing friends and you'll reconnect with the part of you that loves writing.  You remember that part of you?  You ditched her after high school and even though you were a bitch, she's still there.

The guy you're panting after?  He's a fun one night stand, but you look kind of pathetic chasing him.  He just got divorced-after your last boyfriend you should have learned that men coming out of relationships aren't healthy relationship choices.  The other guy?  Is married and not going to divorce his wife.  He's also just not that into you.

Enjoy the Broadway, realize that your roommate is going to try to screw you over, and enjoy this time in your life.  Oh, and cut up the credit cards-they're going to get you into so much trouble.

love, your 28 year old self

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Dear 26 year old self

Oh 25, I know it hurts.  Your "best friend" of the past 7 years just betrayed you.  You never saw it coming.  I tried to warn you.  But you know what?  You're so much better without her, I swear it.

The friends you're making now?  So much healthier for you.  They'll really be there for you when the chips are down, and they'll support you through the really hard stuff ahead.

Also, you're going to meet Mr. Right this year.  You're going to be stupid and think he's only friend material after the first date, and then have to grovel when you realize how utterly wrong he is.  Here's a hint-don't skip that second date-that's when things get steamy and you realize how awesome he truly is.  Go for it!

You're enjoying your first year as a teacher-try to slow down.  You're burning through so much energy right now that by April break you're going to be a shell of exhaustion. 

The hair is looking much better.  Stay away from the home hair dye kits, and you'll be miles better.

love, 28

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Dear 27 year old self

Congratulations-you're engaged!  Stop staring at your ring, and teach!

Also-the wedding.  Can we sit down for a second, bridezilla?  It's going to take a long time for you to come out of denial on this one.  You are making everyone's life hell with your obsessive compulsive side.  Making your own Save the Date cards is perhaps one of the dumbest ideas you'll ever come up with.  You're not going to use half the crap you're cheerfully ordering off the 8 million websites, and the only kid at the wedding will be your flower girl so you don't need to plan a night of activities for kids.

That jobhunt you're doing at the same time-stop.  You will HATE your next job, and then you will be unemployed.  How about you stay with those gifted and talented youngsters?  I know you hate the woman who does your reviews, but suck it up. 

Oh, and moving out of your classroom?  How about asking other people to do it for you?  Hiring someone with a strong back?  I know you're not going to listen to me, and you know what?  It's going to mean a month on bedrest because you have crappy insurance and had to be transferred from one hospital to another, and then surgery, and then a really long recovery time because you're going to HERNIATE A DISC moving all those fucking books.

The honeymoon-you're again in overkill.  You won't enjoy Paris because your back will be killing you and you'll be on travel overload.  How about saving it for another year?  Also-pack some spare batteries so when your camera dies on the second level of the Effiel Tower you'll be able to take pictures from the very top with something other than your shitty camera phone.

As a heads up, you're getting surgery a week before you turn 28.  Happy birthday!  As a plus though, you won't be using that walker anymore, and will actually be able to get out of bed to do more than pee.

love 28

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I turn 29 in a few weeks (eek!) and I'll see what I can do about a letter to 28 then.

I challenge you to try this...post in the comments with a link if you do!

Comments

[Juno Henry]

Fucking brilliant idea. I'm definitely going to do it, although I make no promises as to when.

Good to have you back, DN. And happy birthday for whenever...

Kisses,
Juno x

[Oscar Serna]

HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY
HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY
HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY, TO DELICIOUSNAUGHTY
HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY
MAY WHATEVER/WHOEVER BLESS YOU!

[Eileen]

You grew up in Maine and then moved to New York City for college at NYU? *I* grew up in Maine and then moved to New York City for college at Columbia!

I love that culture mix, yes I do.

Also, happy birthday, and great post idea.

[Deliciously Naughty]

Eileen--I grew up moving between Maine and Massachusetts, and in fact went to 13 schools in 12 years. Luckily I went to Boston as an undergrad, otherwise NYC would've seriously overwhelmed me. I'm impressed that you went straight from the woods to the city (sorry to have oversimplified there if I have).

Everyone...
Many thanks on the early bday wishes :)

[Jaymie]

Love this! great idea... there's lots of advice I could give myself..

[Vir Modestus]

I thought I had posted this. I just wanted to say that I thought the idea was great and I tried it myself. got to http://vir-modestus.livejournal.com/1355.html?mode=reply if you're interested.

[Deliciously Naughty]

nicely done Vir :)