My evolving relationship with sex

Sexyhusband pointed out an article to me today about a team of researchers who are publishing their findings about why we have sex.   The University of Texas team is refining their research detailing why we do and don't have sex.  You can participate in their survey here.  I took it, and thought they're at least asking interesting questions.

Some highlights from the article...

To come up with the list, Meston and Buss asked 444 men and women, age 17 to 52, to list reasons why they, or people they've known, have had sex. They then had 1,500 undergraduate students at UT-Austin rank the reasons on a one-to-five scale of how often they applied to their experiences.

Twenty of the top 25 reasons given were the same for men and women, and the No. 1 for both was "I was attracted to the person."

You needed to do research to find that out????

In all, Meston and colleague David Buss catalogued 237 reasons, the most popular of which predictably involved lust and pleasure. But others ranged from "I wanted to feel closer to God" to "I wanted the attention" to "I wanted to keep my partner from straying."

A few respondents even said they wanted to give someone a sexually transmitted disease.

I'm really hoping I never slept with any of those people!

Meston, who is continuing to collect data for follow-up studies, acknowledged that college students' out-of-control hormones tilt the results. Future studies will focus on other age groups, ethnic groups and religious people.

Again, I'm shocked, SHOCKED to hear that college aged students are engaging in lots of sex and for many different reasons!!!!!

Okay, snark aside, I do think it's an interesting discussion to start having with yourself.  Why do you have sex, why do you not have sex, and how has that changed over the years?  Obviously, I can only really answer for myself.

I have, unfortunately fortunately kept a journal for most of my adult life.  Let us go back and explore the evolution of DN, and why she had sex....

Age 18, the night I lost my virginity---I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now.  X and I took care of that pesky virginity thing.  I'm not sure if we made love or had sex.  Or if it matters which of the two it was.  I hurt. When he entered me it hurt a lot.  I bled.  I'm still bleeding.  Am I totally unreceptive?  I didn't feel anything.  I like being close with him, and I love the way he touches me.  But it wasn't great.  M told me that it would be better next time.  Am I slut?  Or was I just ready to try sex and X was the lucky man?  I mean it's only our second date.  I feel kind of like crying, but only halfway.  I just want it to feel better........Mostly I feel really young and inexperienced.

I don't think we'll need to call in Dr. Freud on this one.  I was 18, scared that I was the last virgin left, and I'd broken up with my first "in love" boyfriend (the one I thought I was going to lose it to) a month before.  I wanted to feel grownup and cared for, so I did what I thought would accomplish that.  Obviously it didn't. 

18 was the effective start of a little period of my life that is best described as having sex for validation.

Witness the journal entry a month after losing my virginity, after a really bad day--I probably haven't had sex in a month because no one wants me.

This is the exact attitude I was railing again in the fat can be sexy post.  I see someone in need of an attitude adjustment.  The sad part is, just an entry previously I'm talking about fitting into a size 16 and whining about it, and 3 sizes bigger and a boatload of confidence later, I just want to give my younger self a hug.

About a year later, I at least took a step in the right direction when I realized something about my freshman boyfriend.  "I wanted the security of a boyfriend.  I didn't love him.  I just wanted to.  He was cute and sweet, but there was no spark."

Unfortunately, that brief moment of insight was followed by the internet boys in other states.  I loved them soooooooo much, and every single one of them was "the one," especially the one who wrote me (bad) poetry.  It was really easy to "fall" for them because they were just one step down from hollywood crushes-slightly more real, but not really any more attainable.  But in a weird way, those relationships all helped to raise my confidence, little by little.

When I was 20, I was my boyfriend at the times first lover.   "I didn't have the intention of letting sex happen.  A little going down, some making out.  You know, all the great 'almost' stuff."  This was the first time I felt like I had some power or control in the relationship.  Unfortunately, I didn't learn that lesson that a woman always has power, and decided that it was because I was a year or two older than my boyfriend.

Before I went abroad, I landed my first completely casual hookup.  "Best of all, he took my mind off France for awhile."  I was learning that sex didn't have to be about validation (at least not all of the time) and could sometimes be about distracting yourself from something unpleasant happening in your life.  I realize that going to France isn't exactly unpleasant, but it was going to the be first time I ever flew on a plane and I was certain I was going to D.I.E.

Of course that summer was when I made my biggest sexual mistake, all because I wanted to nail a European guy. *headdesk*  Almost makes me long for the days of sex as validation.

From there we progress to dating my boss because I was 20 and stupid.  That led into having revenge sex to piss my (ex at least) boss/boyfriend off after he blew me off for New Years.

From there I hooked up with a guy who was sweet to me and would yell at me me when I put myself down.  The problem was that he was doing friends with benefits and I was falling for the only guy who'd ever really forced me to claim my own self worth.  Plus he gave amazing oral.    There were various other men in that period of time that I fucked for reasons ranging from "he's there and I'm bored" to "he's so pretty" to "he wants me"  (which was backsliding, I know). 

Then there are all the men that I don't remember, but I apparently had sex with them, according to my early 20's self.

"I doubt I have much to offer, but a new love affair might just put the spring back in my step and get me in a good mindframe for the long year ahead.  I don't have a lot of time, but hell if I'll be a nun."

I started to wake up to what I was doing around my senior year of college, and I said to my journal that "I jump into sex early-always.  I don't know if it's because of X (the guy I lost my virginity to) and now I feel as though I have to or ifts because I need to prove that I'm tough and don't need anything from them (sex as a protective shied?  you can't hurt me-you're just a fuck?) or I use it as a means of distraction so they won't get too close?.....Sometimes I feel like I'm behind all my friends who've been dealing with dating and sex for years longer than I have.  It's like intellecturally I can hold my own with any adult, but sexually I'm back in high school."

Perhaps it wasn't the most organized thought, but I was starting to think about why I had sex and attempting to identify and weed out the unhealthy reasons.

Then came a downfall.  I met a guy who had big red flags waving around him (just broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years) but because he was "out of my league" attractive, I jumped into a cycle of dating and sex/breakup/be "friends"/starting sleeping together/repeat for a little over a year.  I had no illusions that this was a BAD IDEA, but I did it anyways because I was so over the moon that a brutally hot guy wanted me that I just didn't care if I should want him.  So much for progress.  Luckily, I moved out of state, which finally broke the cycle.

I had one sexual affair when I lived in my new state.  A one night stand, again because the boy was just sooooooo hot that I had to have him.  Luckily, I/we weren't stupid enough to get on the same fucked up merrygoround I'd just gotten off of, and we're still casual friends today.

There's a big gap in my journals, and then I casually mention that I had sex with my first girl.  Two sentences and then I say "I have no interest in pursuing anything with another woman at this time," which is just so pretentious and adorable I have to laugh.

Over the next five years I finally grew out of sex as validation. 

It's funny because the older I've gotten, the simpler sex has become.  When I was 18/19/20, each encounter was such a huge deal and I analyzed it to death.  These days, the only sex I dwell on is the particularly mindblowing experiences.  I don't worry about my sexual orientation anymore, and I've long since learned how to distinguish between sex and love, something I obviously had no grasp of for the longest time.  Every time I fucked a boy I agonized in my journal over whether or not I was in love with him.  If I wasn't, I despaired if it made me slut. 

Reading through those journals really hit home for me, because it made me realize just how screwed up my relationship with sex was.  I also cringed, laughed at myself (I especially love the part when my 19 year old self declared that SHE was never going to get married or have kids because they'd shackle her to the earth when she wanted to soar--I just about fell off my chair laughing), and wanted to give my younger self a hanky and hug and to reassure her it would all get better.

These days, the reasons I have sex are much easier to understand.  They range from raging lust to I'm bored to I'm tired but can't fall asleep.

The reasons I don't have sex are equally easy these days.  I'm sick, or I'm too tired or stressed, and I don't freak when I'm not in the mood. 

I'll be honest that this entry went far off topic from where I was planning, but I've decided to keep it in all its rambling glory. 

I'd be especially interested if anyone else wants to share in the comments about how they've evolved sexually over the years.

Comments

[Oscar the Observer]

I don't know about others but if someday you write out memoir, for profit or for free as a n e-book online, you will have my full support. You write so brilliantly and honestly. Your narratives can fit so many people (high percentage?) today because of increasing relaxing attitudes toward sexuality.

*cheer you on*

[Musns]

Blips of memories run through my head - being drunk giving head at the age of 16 and seeing two moons in the sky - having sex for the first time, blood and wondering if this was all it was in disappointment - anal sex for the first time and unsure what to do as the fella involved put my hand on my clit - same fella fucking me hard over and over as tears poured down my face and in my head screaming no, no, no - another lover doing me doggie style and losing it due to experience with the fella mentioned earlier and the comfort that lover gave me - the first multiple orgasm I had, like a rock being thrown in a lake, the ripples or aftershock from it rolling over and over and over me.

[la fille]

I, too, had little flashes of sexual memories, and I've always thought that I had many reasons for having sex. However, I think that many of them were still bound up in that whole validation thing, especially in the years from 16 to 20 or so. Now... sometimes the need for validation still lurks there in the background, but it's completely about feeling good (physically and emotionally), and making someone else feel good.

[Deliciously Naughty]

Oscar, you're making me blush (but if I ever do get anything published, I'm holding you to that--grin).

Musings-hugs. I'm sorry you had such a negative experience, and I'm glad youv'e found a lover who makes you happy.

Lafille-I wonder how much of it had to do with our perceptions of our bodies and how much of it is being in your late teens?

[Musns]

They haven't been all bad, that is just what popped through my mind when I first think of initial experiences. I think as we age and become more comfortable with who we are and our bodies and partners, it gets better. Nowadays, 90% of the time it's good, great or orgasmic. 10% it's meh, but that's normal too.

[tom paine]

Lovely, Lola, I mean DN.

[Deliciously Naughty]

Tom, one of these days you'll have to tell me who Lola David is. I googled and have no clue...I know it's a compliment, but I can't appreciate it fully.

kisses
DN