Cybersex, Online Sexuality, and Female Empowerment

Yesterday I found this article on CNN.com.  It questions whether women's sexual exploration on the web (such as posting sexual imagery of themselves on websites, engaging in cybersex, etc) is empowering or disempowering to young women.  Overall the message is that women who engage in this are "pleasing somebody else ....grasping for attention." and that "If you 'act like a man,' in that sense, you're trying to grab hold of that same kind of power, that same kind of lifestyle -- and claim male privilege...[but]...The problem is, you're still female and it's still a man's world."

As exactly the type of young woman they're talking about, I feel compelled to respond and explore this question myself.

What is empowerment?  Empowerment is control, and the question is who has it when women are sexual online.

I would argue that web-based sexual exploration is empowering.....sometimes.

When done safely, cybering does allow you to experiment with your sexuality.  A major advantage to cybering is that, unless things have REALLY changed in the last year or two, you can't get pregnant from doing it.  You can also explore those sexual urges/fantasies that you're not quite ready to try out in real life.

My first encounter with cybersex was in college.  It was the late 90's and I thought my 14.4 dial up modem kicked serious ass as I sat in my white concrete walled dorm room and explored the world of chat rooms.  Exploring chat rooms naturally evolved into messaging, as the a/s/l requests and pinging from guys was nonstop.  I was curious about BDSM, but I neither had a regular partner nor a friend with benefits who I trusted/was interested in exploring it with me.  I met online "masters" who would cyber me through a scene.  When I had fulfilled my curiosity as much as I could in that medium, I changed my name and moved on.

In 2002 I was introduced to Literotica by an ex of mine.  Within a year I had posted my first online pictures.  None showed my face (and yes they're still there, somewhere-if you interested you can search for them) and the quality of the pictures varies, but it was an exciting experience.  I felt sexy and powerful taking the pictures and posting them.  When the compliments rolled in, it reinforced my identity as a sexual being even though, as a plus sized woman, I didn't fit the national standard of beauty.

Writing erotica expanded my exploration of my own sexuality, and brought in actual fans of my work.  Again, this was an incredibly positive experience for me.  Of course I got negative responses as well, but the good far outweighed the bad.  This was good for my ego and my sexual identity as well, and the eventual result is the blog you're reading today.  If I didn't think writing about my exploration of my sexuality was a positive thing, I wouldn't be doing it in public like this.

However.

The therapist quoted in the article wondered who we (women who engage in online sexual behavior) are doing it for, the potential for backlash, and a fear that women see sexuality as the only way to gain empowerment.

I hate to concede a point, but it takes a certain level of maturity and a developed sense of self for this type of exploration to be healthy or positive.  The first thing you need to understand, completely, is the message you're sending and you must maintain control of that message in order to be empowered.  Girls who dress provocatively at a young age don't actually understand the messages they're sending or what they're asking for.  At 16, hell at 18, I only thought I understood the messages I was sending and I (falsely) thought I was ready for the repercussions when I wasn't.  I agree 100% that 10 year olds shouldn't be dressing like 25 year olds on their way out to a club.   It's frighteningly easy to  lose control, as many teenage girls have found out when their cyberlovers have done harm to them.

The second important tenet of maintaining control is to do it only for yourself.  Applause is great.  I certainly am a comments whore.  It makes my day to get email feedback on a story I've written or a comment on my blog.  Flattering comments fluff my ego, and I smile a little wider at my reflection in the mirror when I get them.  However, I don't write this blog or post stories or pictures to gain anyone's approval in real life or in cyberland.  I realize that I am exploring my sexuality, and if others enjoy what I'm doing it's a bonus, not a raison d'etre.

As far as wanting attention-of course I want some attention.  If I didn't want attention I wouldn't dress provacatively or describe my threesomes in detail.  What's wrong with wanting some attention?  It's not my only source of attention or validation, so where's the harm?

Sexuality is empowering.  It's not a bad thing.  I got a huge kick out of going to clubs in my early twenties and rubbing up against guys on the dance floor and getting free drinks.  I wear fuck me shoes and short skirts for the attention it gets my legs, not because they're comfortable.   Push up bras do nice things to my breasts, but underwire poking into me is hardly my idea of the world's most comfortable clothing.  I don't make the mistake of thinking that my sexuality is the only source of my power, though.  I have a master's degree.  I'm a witty conversationalist.  I have plenty of friends, male and female, who have never witnessed my overtly sexual side and who still respect me (and respect is power).  In addition to that, I can make a loud classroom of pre-teens shut up with the power of my stare alone, which is great for the ego.

Women are constantly changing the boundaries of what's appropriate sexual behavior.  The web has been a big part of this since the late 90's.  Without craigslist it would be hard to be an independent  or dabbler call girl, as some of my friends are.  Without literotica, I might never have tried my hand and erotica, and I would certainly not be as comfortable with my sexuality as I am today.  Suicidegirls and NakkidNerds both post images of women that are outside the Hollywood standard of beauty, which shows young women that there is no one standard of how to look or act to be sexual.

The problem is that the world isn't changing apace with the boundaries we push.  If unmasked, it is unlikely I'd be teaching again, unlike the male teacher in NYC who posed for Playgirl and is still working with his union defending his right to do so all the way.  I'm excited for him, but I'm also bitter because if it were a woman and Playboy, it would be a totally different story.  The truth is that mocking or labelling a woman a whore is the easiest way to take away her power.  There wouldn't be the kind of abuse in the sex industry that women have faced if that weren't true.  If you don't believe me, go check out my friend Wendy's secondary site WHORE and check the stats on violence and sex work.  On some level, at least in Western society, we believe that a woman who steps so far out of place as to put herself on display in public in a sexual manner somehow "deserves it" when she suffers the loss of a job, her safety, or her children.

The double standard for women is alive and well, and as women, when we play online, it's something we need to keep alive at the back of our heads.  It's the big reason the word SAFETY keeps coming up when I talk to people about exploring their sexuality online.

Perhaps the most important thing is that we are aware of the messages we send, and we own that we're sending them.  Women who wear short skirts and fuck me heels and then get pissed at men for whistling at them need to get their Manolos confiscated.  Own your image and be aware of the perception it will cause others to have of you.  This is true online and in real life.  The most disempowering thing a woman can do is to blame others for accepting and reacting to the messages she sends.  To be clear, I'm not saying rape or unwanted advances are acceptable-women need to learn to say "NO" and men need to learn to respect "NO."  But getting worked up over a man staring at your chest when you wear a low cut shirt makes all women look a little stupid.

Let's keep it all in perspective.  Sexuality is good.  Exploring your sexuality through safe mediums like the web is good.  Sex does equal power, but it's not the only source of your power.  Wearing sexual clothes invites sexual attention-and that goes for men and women (if you don't want me checking out your ass, don't wear such tight jeans). 

To quote the eminent Eleanor Roosevelt-No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

Don't give anyone that permission when it comes to your sexual identity and the ways that you choose to explore it and you will become truly empowered.

Comments

[Gorgeousmoments]

Good post. Nothing there that I disagree with. Particularly liked the aspect of safe and mature expressions of sexuality. the worst thing one can on on-line (or in a club) is take oneself, or anyone else's expression of sexuality too seriously. Mostly likely (and hopefully) it is a fun game. I enjoy my sexuality and I enjoy the attention I get when I express it, but it isn't my soul. I agree, when it is all that you think you have, one is in trouble.

[tom paine]

Sexuality is powerful and dangerous. Young women should be aware of the potential consequences of displaying themselves on the 'Net, but that holds true for any sexual activity. Condoms will HELP prevent STDs, but they're not perfect. Being sexually active (and especially non-monogamous) means taking risks. But taking those risks is worth it for some of us.

[la fille]

This was an amazing post... I think you and I are almost the same person. Thanks for enunciating my ideas so well.

[tom paine]

No, LFM, I think she's the reincarnation of Lola David.