Failing to have sex

Even the most godlike sexual beings have off days...

It's lowering to admit that last night I dragged Sexyhusband into the bedroom with every intention of ravishing him, and then failed to seal the deal.  What happened?  We lost the mood.  Somewhere between trying to seduce him with "Math Porn" (hint, it's standard deviations not standard derivations-getting the terminology wrong isn't sexy) and discussing whether or not I should relieve one of his friends of his hypothetical virginity (and accidentally implying that said friend might be smarter than him) and my inability to stop laughing, the mood disappeared.   There was no getting it back, and once we accepted that, we went out into the living room to watch a tivoed episode of Gilmore Girls.

Having admitted this publically, I'm worried that Radical Vixen will show up at my door and revoke my sex blogger credentials. 

But on the other hand, it's something we've all experienced, and I haven't seen a lot of bloggers talk about it.  Bad sex (or no sex) happens to everyone once and awhile.

My first encounter with sex that didn't go off the way it should was in college.  I had been fighting with my roommate and in order to get away, called Fauxcop (a volunteer policeman who I was dating at the time).  It took him 45 minutes to get to my dorm (during which the fight with the roommate intensified) and then it took us forever to find a no-tell motel to hook up and crash in.  By the time we crawled into bed, we were both exhausted.  We made some cheap efforts to paw at each other, but Mr. Happy just wasn't feeling the love.  Fauxcop got pissed at me and claimed that since it had never happened to him, it was my fault.  I got pissed in return and explained in detail how much he had to learn about giving oral.  We didn't handle it well, and we didn't go out again either.

Obviously, the first time it happens no one handles it well.  He felt emasculated, I felt humiliated, and we both lashed out.  In fact, if I recall correctly, I went out and had a one night stand within a week or two just to feel as though I were sexually attractive again, which was hardly healthy.

The other memorable "failure to have sex" was with Sexyhusband.  It was during the period of time when we were planning our wedding.  We were both trying to have sex, but he was thinking about work and I was mentally debating flowers or some such nonsense and our bodies responded to the fact that our heads weren't in the game.  It was the first time that had happened to him, and his initial reaction was to turn away from me, ashamed.

This time I reacted correctly.  Instead of taking it personally, I turned over and held him, refusing to let go.  We didn't have sex that night, but it was the first time in a while that we'd connected about things other than the fucking wedding (which was its official title) or if we were moving and the other mundane plagues we were discussing to death.  As a result of the emotional connection we made that night, all systems were go in the morning.

In the years that I've been with Sexyhusband, there have been instances where I couldn't get wet (and I'm one of those women who get extremely wet with little stimulation) or one/both of us couldn't get my/our head/s in the game.  We've learned not to take it personally, and to work around it.

Which brings me to my thoughts on failing to have sex.

First of all, it happens to all of us.  I'd love to tell you that I'm a 24/7 sex kitten, but I'm not, unless I'm writing parody.  It's mid May now, and I've got just a little over a month of school left, including two weeks of state mandated testing.  That kind of stress coupled with a job hunt, and an upcoming apartment hunt have made me regard our bed with a burning lust for sleep, not sex.  When you're focused on major work/life stuff, your sexual energy usually goes to the place where you need it, and the mojo disappears for a short time.

Secondly, a good partner is one who won't make you feel bad about it.  It's embarrassing, even if you know your partner isn't pissed.  When you react badly to your partner falling out of the game all you do is compound the pressure and even create some fear the next time you have sex, ironically upping the chance it will happen again.  Being loving and understanding is key.

Thirdly, it's not a big deal if it happens in the short run.  If it's been a while, you probably do have a reason to talk to someone.  There are plenty of drugs/conditions that kill your sex drive-having been on anti-depressants, it's something I know about.  There was actually a period of several months where I didn't even masturbate, much less have sex because of the anti-depressants.  When I finally clued into that, I talked to my doctor and changed my meds and it helped.  I'm not on meds now, but when I do go through depressive spells, my sex drive tanks.  New mothers are also likely to experience radical changes in their sex drives and don't always know how to handle it.  For example, I've read a lot about post-birth vaginal dryness, and I know I can take it personally when I need lube to help things along now (pre kids).   

Fourthly, keep your faith in your own sexuality.  You will get the mojo back.

Personally, I'm planning to get my mojo back tomorrow night after my post-school nap.

Wish me luck ;)

Comments

[Vixen]

Kudos to you for writing this. Lots of sex blogs have great earth shattering sex but revealing the ups and downs with sex is a refreshing.

[George]

Hi Sexy ... tell me about anti-depressants. I am on 150mg/day of Effexor and 300mg/day of Wellbutrin. Now, Wellbutrin is the only anti-depressant that does not affect a person't libido. But the Effexor kicks it right out of sight. I can't get off the Effexor and only take the Wellbutrin because Effexor acts on certain areas the Wellbutrin doesn't.
I no longer masturbate and when I am with a woman, I get sort of floppy hard but it doesn't last. The only way to fix the situation is Viagra or Cialis.

Depression fucking sucks everything out of your sex life.

[Vanessa]

You know what? We all have those days. It makes the good ones so much better.

[Musns]

I think this is more common in relationships than either parties like to admit.

First you have life getting in the way. All those stressers can really kick a libido in the ass.

Drugs - definately have an impact. I'm one of the rare ones who doesn't have libido affected by Prozac (thank the heavens!). Actually have had a huge spike in that area and for the first time ever, my spouse's has dropped - and he is younger than I am.

Then the laughter and carrying on - it can break it and sometimes it actually makes it.

Post-baby (I've had 4) - the biggest thing is pain from penetration. Especially if you were stitched back together after birth. It can hurt the first or second time. Eventually it gets back to being okay.

[gjg]

I like that!s