Back Surgery and Sex-How do you connect sexually when you can't connect physically?

I have only briefly mentioned this, but I herniated a disc in my back last summer and had surgery last fall.  It was excruciating pain, putting me flat on my back for almost 2 months prior to surgery.  One of things that made it awful, beyond the pain, was that I had to move out of Sexyhusband's and my bed.  I was taking drugs every few hours, and our guest bed had more cushioning at the top, which made it feel better.

Needless to say, my injury flat out killed our sex life.  We had non-refundable plane tickets abroad beginning three weeks after the injury.  I horded drugs and we took a lot of cabs and took it easy.  During our time abroad, drugs and adrenaline combined a few times in order to make sex doable, if you'll pardon the pun.

Around six to seven weeks after the injury, my condition began to deteriorate rapidly.  Walking became a major issue.  I began the school year knowing I was going to have an MRI in the second week and would most likely get steroid injections, which my doctor was hoping would help.  Unfortunately on the fourth day of the school year, I was in so much pain that I lay down on my reading rug, and within a half hour could not sit up.  I was picked up in an ambulance, and admitted to a hospital within hours.  The MRI revealed bad news, and it was decided fairly quickly that surgery was the only route.

Unfortunately, the hospital I was in didn't take my insurance if I left, and they couldn't fit me in for surgery for a few weeks.  So I was discharged and an appointment was made at my "real" hospital two weeks later.  They scheduled the surgery for another two weeks later.  So it was over a month after I was taken out my school before I was operated on. 

I spent that month and a half in our guest room drugged out on neurontin (a medication that dealt with the extreme nerve irritation I was feeling), vicodin (pain killer), and valium (muscle relaxant).  I had no appetite and dropped 20 lbs in about 5 weeks, which is incredibly unsafe.  What I could eat, I puked up.  I spent lots of time asleep. 

Sexyhusband worked from home for almost two months to take care of me.

There was no sex.  It wasn't possible.  I couldn't even walk without using a walker, for chrissakes.

I knew Sexyhusband was masturbating a lot.   I felt like I had been cut out of the sexual equation, which made me feel awful, even though Sexyhusband got upset with me for saying that.

We talked about it, and began to think about how we could connect.

By complete chance, we live in an accessible two bedroom, two bathroom.  One of our bathrooms is a roll in shower, and it has a fold down bench.  Obviously since I couldn't really walk, I couldn't take care of my own physical needs, like showering.  It was just easier for Sexyhusband to get naked and go into the roll-in shower with me.  It occurred to us that we were timing the showers around when all three meds were at their strongest (but before I fell asleep)-and I made a point of at least playing with Sexyhusband.  He recalls finishing at least twice in that six week period.

On the few occasions that I could stand it, I spent a night or two in our bed.  Being physically next to Sexyhusband and being held and kissed was often connection enough.  Again, I managed at least one handjob.

Perhaps the most effective solution we found was for me to read erotica (often my own) to him while he masturbated.  It didn't require me to move, but it allowed me to be present in his sexual gratification.

Finally, the surgery happened.  Two things resulted from the surgery.  The most amazing (to me) was that the sciatic pain which had crippled me and made me unable to walk without help was gone.  Of course, now my back hurt where they'd sliced me open and stapled (literally) me back together.  The second was that for the first week or so I couldn't clean myself because I couldn't reach myself.

I will admit here, for the first time, that prior to this experience I had some poisonious doubts about my relationship with Sexyhusband.  My parents weren't married, and my grandparents (the only married couple I'd seen) had been on the edge of divorce when my grandmother had died.  Sexyhusband is the first man I had dated for over a year without breaking up multiple times.  I desperately wanted us to make it, but I didn't quite believe in my heart of hearts that we necessarily would.

But.

After you have to ask your husband to wipe your ass (literally) for you after a bowel movement because you can't twist back that way, you learn humility on a whole new level.  While he had taken care of me before this, this was dependency on a scale that both humbled and mortified me.  Prior to this experience I'd never even let another person into the bathroom with me while I was going, so it was also a loss of modesty out of necessity.  There have been few moments in my life as relieving as the one when I realized I could take care of myself again.

About a week after the surgery, I moved back into our bed.

A few weeks later, we were able to have sex, but only missionary, and only with a pillow under my hips.  Maybe three weeks after, I was able to give him oral in the roll in shower.   About a month after the surgery we were able to start having sex again, although carefully and generally only in missionary.

This experience could have been divisive for us.  It was certainly isolating, both physically and emotionally.  At the end of the day, I was wrapped up in my own body and my pain for almost four months.  We didn't have penatrative sex from August until November.  So what kept our bond strong-in fact, we would both argue that the experience made our marriage much stronger?  That we talked about what we were going through, we were respectful of my body's limits, and Sexyhusband understood that when I made an effort it was a major effort and he made a point of acknowledging it. 

I wanted to know how having back surgery would affect my sex life before I went through it and I couldn't really find anything, which is why I'm telling my story.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it does get better.  Immediately after surgery I ditched the walker.  I could have careful sex starting a month afterwards.  I had a threesome two months after the surgery.  I was sporting heels within three months.  I could handle rougher sex within 3-4 months.

At eight months removed from the surgery, 99% of the time, I'm fine.  I can be on top (although I have to be careful-I'm working with a trainer to strengthen my back), on the bottom, whatever.  I can engage in BDSM play.  It was a hard road, and I was often upset and depressed.  But if you have a committed loving partner like Sexyhusband, you will get through it.

Comments

[George]

If there is love involved and you have a committed relationship, there should be nothing that your partner would not do for you. Love is a powerful bond. If he would have said ... no sex, no me ... and left because of it, you would have been better off. I am glad, for you, that he stayed ... tells people, and you, a lot about him right there.

[Musns]

It is amazing to see how much stronger a relationship can become after a tragedy or other 'significant' illness. Those make or break situations, when they don't break the relationship, can strengthen the relationship that survives it.

When our youngest was in the NICU for 3 weeks after birth, my prayer was that our marriage would survive regardless of what happened. If he died, that we would grow stronger with each other; if he had surgery and ended up with brain damage, that we could be pillars of strength to each other; and if he lived, that we were still there for each other.

Is it bad that I didn't pray for the baby to live? I did pray for him, but my primary focus was for my marriage. Because if I lost my child, my husband and my family split apart I couldn't imagine going on. We got through it, he survived - no surgery but since that experience in our lives; our marriage is so much stronger and enriched because of it.

[JonnyRocken]

Congrats on getting through this.

I can sort of relate from personal experience, though I am in your Sexyhusband's role. My long term SO sustained a back injury much like you are describing 10 years ago. Can't sit down for more than 5 minutes, can't go in a plane, can't go in a car, can't lift, can't bend, can't twist, can't stretch... you know what I'm talking about.

It causes her great pain to even get turned on, so basically we don't ever do anything. A sexless life awaits both of us for the remaining 40 years or whatever.

C'est la vie.

I'm interested that the operation worked for you - and it was really good to hear that it did. Too many times we only hear the bad stories, the stories when the operation only made things worse. It's great to hear that it was a success for you. All the best with the rest of it.

[Deliciously Naughty]

George, Jonny and Munsn,

I'm a big believer in the axiom "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

When I was bedridden before the surgery all I could think about (when I could think, which thankfully wasn't often) was 'what if it didn't work?'. I took being able to run and walk and whatever for granted. You never really appreciate what you have until you lose it (or almost lose it).

I think we also don't appreciate our SO's fully until we see them in this sort of crisis. It's really easy to be there for someone through the usual ups and downs of any relationship. It's when life brings out the big guns that you really see what's inside them.

I realize I'm being all *quote* this and *axiom* that, and if I were reading this I'd probably be all "gag me" but it really is true.

Jonny-not knowing your SO's situation, I'd advise you to talk to another doctor, and another. While it's true that the surgery doesn't always work (and I don't know if you've already done that route) there are also injections and other ways to deal with the pain.

Musns-Your story is probably my worst nightmare (and every mother's I imagine). I'm so glad to hear your youngest came out okay, and that your marriage endured. You shouldn't feel guilty, though-I would've been thinking the same thing-losing the child would be heart-wrenching-losing the husband on top of that would destroy me as well.

George-You're totally right. Sexyhusband always talked the talk, and every time something has happened, and this time especially, he proved he can walk the walk.

[Richard]

This is a wonderful story - you have gone through much together and you are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing this!

[Al Sensu]

We went through something similar last year after a fall. It wasn't the back, but numerous broken bones and concussion from an accident. Just as in your case, I worked at home many days, took her to doctors, and all that, and slept in our guest room for six months. It took some time to reconnect phyically and emotionally as all our efforts and attention were focused on her recovery and keeping the household running. For some months I didn't talk to her about my sexual frustration; didn't want to burden her with it. But eventually I did talk and it was good for both of us to acknowledge this aspect of the situation. Indeed our relationship is stronger and the re-connection and re-emergence of our sex life grows stronger each week.

[Mandy Muse]

I really enjoyed reading this and found it very moving, thank you. Makes me appreciate my own husband more, knowing that he, too, would wipe my ass :)

[Tommy]

hi

Wonderful account of what must have been a terribly hard time for you.

Being disabled I understand what you mean by finding other ways to do what people regard as 'normal'.

If theres a will theres a way.

tommy

[Sabine]

Well written on the trials of physical challenges. I have been working through the Twister style trials of late term pregnant sex. Although not an issue of physical pain (there is always the 'don't hurt the baby', but mainly the sheer encumbereence of getting close with a hard ball of baby between you. Lying on the back is not so comfy, sideways ok, and doggy probably easiest with cushioning underneath. But certainly not with the same vigour or pleasure as before. ANd then is the 6 week medically prescribed abstinence period ahead.

[brianna frost]

hey thx 4 the story. i never connect sex :)

[glens_pen]

Thank you for you blog. Dispite how hard it was for you, it does make me feel part of a larger community as this almost mirrors what I went through but from a male perspective. Unfortunatly mine did not have such a happy ending. My injury seems almost like yours with the lower back being injured and with siatic nerve complications that left me de ridden for almost 3 months before and right after my surgery. Durring that time my now ex wife seperated her self from me, eventualy removing herself from our marrage. She like rougher sex and when I could not provide she saw me as less of a man for it, and slowly but surly found solace n others that eventualy led to our marrages downfall.
Now, years after our divorce I've met a woman with simular nerve damage, who can completely understand where I come from and what my fears are about being hurt durring sex, but even so it is the most sexualy satifying sex life I've ever had. We just needed to learn eachothers bodys, their weeknesses and how to over come them together. I feel very lucky to have found one so wonderful.
So again thank you for being so candid and writing on a subject that must have been hard to bare and shae in an open forum like this.

[tom paine]

I can see why you won Sugasm this week. Very special your sharing that. Thanks.

[Oscar the Observer]

Wow... I am in awe! You two are indeed good together. Was it coincidence that you started this blog the same month you finally get your sex life into action? :)

[Oscar the Observer]

Wow... I am in awe! You two are indeed good together. Was it coincidence that you started this blog the same month you finally get your sex life into action? :)

[Oscar the Observer]

Oops. Hit Post two times by accident, please delete the second one, thanks!