I make store clerks nervous

I will preface this entry by letting you know that yesterday was among the crappier days I've had recently.  I slept late, almost got to work late, had a bad day with my students, was too sore to go to my yoga class, got dissed by my bank, and was generally hating everyone and everything.

So, of course, I called Sexyhusband, who mentions he is hungry and about to go get food.  I order him to wait for me so I can get food too, and subject him to my bad mood all at the same time.

We decide to go to a dinerish place because I have decided the only thing that could make life worth living was honey bbq chicken strips.  On our way there we stop at a convenience store.  Sexyhusband goes in to grab me something and comes back with porn.  This amuses me, but not nearly as much as the conversation we then have.

Me-What's that?

SH-Porn.  Actually the guy at the counter was telling me this month's Hustler was awesome and the dvd was great, but I decided not to get it.

Me-Why not?

SH-You like Hustler?

Me-On occasion.

SH-I don't generally like Hustler, but we can stop off on the way back and get it then if you want it.

Me-Ok.

So we go to dinner, and the chicken strips rally my will to live.  As does the wicked idea of going in and torturing the poor innocent store clerk.  So afterward, we drive back.  Sexyhusband stays in the car as he knows he wouldn't be able to keep a straight face.

I saunter into the Store 24.

Clerk-Hi, can I help you?

Me-(neutral tone) Yeah.  So you told my husband that this month's Hustler was awesome?

Clerk-(nervous) um...

Me-And then he didn't buy it!  So, do you have any left?

Clerk-(confused) um...

Goes over and starts ruffling through the porn.  Is so confused/baffled/relieved I'm not screaming at him for telling my husband about the evil naked ladies that it takes him three searches to actually locate it among the collection of 10 or so copies of various magazines on display.  Brings it back to the counter.

Me-And she's a brunette too!  I love brunettes.  He's such an idiot.

Clerk-(relieved) The dvd is pretty awesome.

Me-Yeah?  I can't believe he didn't buy it.

Woman enters the store to overhear the last part of the conversation.  Gives me a dirty look to tell me that I have singlehandedly halted the Third Wave of Feminism and will summarily request of the shadowy heads of the movement that I be stripped of my feminist badge, pledge book, and have all knowledge of the secret handshake removed from my brain.  I smile winningly at her.

Clerk-I'm just glad that you're mad at him and not me.

Me-Yeah, well, he's the idiot who didn't take a porn recommendation.

Woman's Eyes-Bad woman!  You are a bad bad woman!

Clerk-Do you want this double bagged?

Me-(confused) No? (translation-seriously?  people are that ashamed of buying porn?)

I smile at the woman again.

I saunter out.

The clerk watches me go and his poor 18ish year old head explodes at the idea of a woman being pissed at her husband for NOT buying porn. 

*The only things I made up are the words I interpreted on behalf of the woman's eyes.  All the rest is true.  Well, except for his head literally exploding.  I still rocked his universe back on it's axis, though.

And thus....my day became awesome.  No more crappy mood...only the occasional burst of laughter.

Comments

[Sexyhusband]

That's my wife. I can cheer her up by buying porn. Can I pick 'em or what?

[Oscar the Observer]

*snicker*
That is why sometimes when I read some posts by women online in Sexblog community I find myself rocked but that is happening less and less as months go by and I accept what my mind already knows for a long time that women are just as hot as men in their brains!
*snicker then laugh out loud*
Looking forward to the day when This country's society just yawn at a woman making raunchy joke as it is doing when a man make a raunchy joke!

[tom paine]

Nice post. Very sexy. I bet the poor kid masturbated over you for a week. Another MILF destroying America's young manhood!

[Deliciously Naughty]

I like to think of myself as a MILF in training :)

[Mandy Muse]

I love this! You made me smile.

I called a phone sex line once while in the process of finding out what the mystery charges were on my credit card...the operator asked if I wanted my money back for my husband's call, and was very surprised when I said, no, you earned it, I just wanted to find out what it was.

[Al Sensu]

That clerk is at home creaming himself over you.

[Deliciously Naughty]

Mandy-that's a great story :)

Al-poor kid didn't know who he was dealing with; he was in over his head ;)

[Whip w/ the Quips]

Delightful! Poor clerk, why is he so hung up?
Kudos!

[no_more_secrets]

((cracking up)) how can anyone not like porn?!?!??! Thank goodness there's a few sane level headed pervs left in the word. Great post...

[Juno Henry]

"...I have singlehandedly halted the Third Wave of Feminism and [she] will summarily request of the shadowy heads of the movement that I be stripped of my feminist badge, pledge book, and have all knowledge of the secret handshake removed from my brain. I smile winningly at her."

You are my heroine, DN. I think i coughed up a kidney laughing at this.

I was stripped of my feminist membership paraphernalia long ago. Something to do with enjoying a buttfuck too much, I belnddn clear: Hey - I define my own feminism, sister, and if you don't like it, screw you. Preferably up the ass.

I love your site. Consider yourself linked. Mutual linkage is entirely yuor own choice.

Juno x

[Juno Henry]

Ahem... something weird happened with my typing. The latter part of the previous comment should read:

I was stripped of my feminist membership paraphernalia long ago. Something to do with enjoying a buttfuck too much, I believe. My response was immediate and clear: Hey - I define my own feminism, sister, and if you don't like it, screw you. Preferably up the ass.

I love your site. Consider yourself linked. Mutual linkage is entirely your own choice.

Juno x

[Blissfully Wed]

That story warmed my heart. ;)

~Him

[Deliciously Naughty]

Sexyhusband is strutting around the apartment--this post landed in the Sugasm top 3 of the week *and* has garnered the most comments I've ever gotten on a single post--and all because he bought some porn.

[Mountjoy]

Hilarious! Love your work.

[Curvaceous Dee]

The clerk watches me go and his poor 18ish year old head explodes at the idea of a woman being pissed at her husband for NOT buying porn.

Oh, that is just a marvellous post - and I agree totally, as well! I'd be very pissed if Apollo didn't by porn that had been recommended and that he'd know I'd like :)

xx Dee

[ki]

wish i had as much confident. is the clerk cute? and i don't think enjoying porn strip us of our feminism badge. ever heard of 2nd generation feminism? or is it post-feminism? learnt last but forget the exact name.

[Deliciously Naughty]

Ki-the clerk was a bit young for me. I stopped having sex with 18 year olds once I was old enough to drink, and dating them meant I couldn't go to clubs and bars.

Side note---sigh-I remember back in the day when an 18 year old boy seemed sophisticated and desirable-which in retrospect just shows how young *I* was when I thought that.

I agree that liking porn shouldn't disqualify you from being a feminist but many would disagree with that. We are in the "third wave" (if you buy into that classification) or "post modern" version of feminism if you want the academic terms. I took my fair share of women's studies courses in college.

xxx's to Dee and Mount Joy

[Autumn]

LOL - that is too funny. My fiance is still suffering from headspinning over the fact that I love to go buy porn with him (or without him on occassion).

[markbnj]

Wow. What a great story.

Can't wait to read more...

(Wish MY wife liked to even READ porn anymore-- but we ARE married over 30 years)

markb in nj