Thoughts on virginity

I told the story of losing my virginity, and did a question of the week on virginity, but had yet to do a more general post as I promised.

I am of two minds about virginity.  The first is that it's way overrated.  The other is that it's undervalued. I realize that's a bit bi-polar of me, but allow me to present both arguments fully and draw your own conclusions.

It's overrated!

Losing your virginity is rarely a sexual highlight for anyone, other than that it's the first time you've "done it."  For girls, orgasm almost never happens.  For boys, it's usually over before you can do more than think "wow, I'm getting some!"  Waiting a long time to have this sexual experience, especially if you've built it up in your head, can cause you to feel alone, sad and isolated afterwards. 

The loss of one's virginity is the central plot of countless movies, causing it to be built up in our collective pysche.  I am embarrassed to admit it, but I've read enough trashy novels to know that it's rarely portrayed accurately there either.  The perpetuation of the simultaneous orgasm is a major part of both, and sets us up to fall on our faces.

Few people stay with their first.  So in the end, it's probably not that huge a deal who you lose it to.  In fact, those of you who lost it in high school seem to have the fewest regrets.  I'm not advocating letting the first person who asks be the one to jump you, but being overly picky makes you a 28 year old virgin. 

The older you get, the bigger the deal it is.  Not just for you, in your own head, but as you and your potential partners age, they begin to realize what a big deal it is to be someone's first.  Everyone remembers their first, and it's difficult to be someone's first once you know it's a big deal.  Beyond that, few adults want to put all the effort into training a newbie, especially once you consider that most don't stay with their first.  No matter how nice the guy, my friends and I stopped dating virgins at some point in college.  And whether it's fair or not, a 20 year old virgin is sweet, a 30 year old virgin is sad, and a 40 year old virgin (not to steal the title of the movie) is lame.

So yeah, losing it is overrated.  Get it done by the end of college-21/22/23 at the oldest.  Get over yourself and start exploring your sexuality.  The longer you wait the older you'll be and once you know how great sex can be, you'll kick yourself for waiting.

It's underrated

Raise your hand if you regret losing your virginity to the person who was your first.  I know my hand is up.  Many of your hands are up, too.  Maybe that means we picked the wrong person because we were too young to be discriminating.  Maybe we felt like the last virgin on earth and just wanted it over with.

I've seen pregnant 13 year olds.  My students are low income and many of them had teenaged parents.  You can only see so much of that before you start to wonder if people are jumping in before they're actually ready.  Or if they're really ready if they don't know how to prevent pregnancy, or parenting if the message their child grows up with is that it's preferable to have kids when you're 18 because "you'll be young with them" as opposed to getting a college education and giving your kids a better life.

Whether it's good, bad, or indifferent, you will never forget your first.  Do you want it to be "the dude at the bar that night" or "the guy/girl who pressured me into it on the night of the formal"?  Maybe the reason it's a major plot of books, movies and tv shows is because it IS a big freaking deal.  Should you really just jump into sex?

Conclusions

• Maybe your age is proportional to how seriously you should take your virginity?
• Perhaps no matter how careful you are, your first time will still suck a little.
• Being at least a little picky might not be the worst thing.

Virginity is, at least for me, a distant memory.  It's funny that regardless of how many lovers I've had since (well into the double digits) and how many names I've forgotten (many) I will always remember my first.  If I'd had him later on, he'd be a dim memory.  That he isn't does legitimize one thing at least-losing it is a big enough deal that it should never be someone you'll regret.

What are your thoughts?

Comments

[Gorgeousmoments]

Having lost my virginity at the ripe old age of 26 I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Having put my sexuality on hold for such a long period of time, I was keen to explore and I have thoughly enjoyed doing so.

That much being said, it would have been nice to having a more caring experience than a hooker named Kitty. It may have contributed to the separation of sexand romance that I experience to this day.

My conclusion from the experience is to focus upon the path that I have trodden, rather than some ideal which is beyond my reach.

[Paige]

I was a late bloomer in losing my virginity. Yeah, I wished I hadn't lost it to the person who was my first--because I wished I would have lost it a lot sooner!

I vaguely remember my first time because it was so surreal. I remember all others a lot better. Mine just wasn't as memorable, and definitely not as special as most other people's first time.

I think virginity is very overrated.

[Darek Lee]

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24, I lost it to an escort. (yes a hooker and before you get all judgmental on me just hear me out) I guess I did it because I wanted to take matters into my own hands. The whole finding a girlfriend and dating thing didnt interest me at all. As calleous as this sounds I didnt want a girlfriend I wanted Sex and I wasnt comfortable aproaching women in bars. So I went online did some research and found a escort who was willing to fullfill my request. It was a good experience not amazing but good she was very warm and accomodating and I actually did have fun. Once it was over I was relieved I now had one less thing to worry about, I was no longer a virgin. Do I regret doing what I did? hell no I'm just glad its gone.

[Deliciously Naughty]

Derek---no judgements here...I have plenty of escort blog friends :)

[:)]

Ok so I lost it to a boyfriend its a big deal at first but you'll get over it and I was 18freshman in college. I slept with him more than once so I guess I cant really regret it; he cared about me and I cared about him. It wasnt love but it was a form of friendship. You trust your friends right? If it feels right go with it. Its ok to lose it, your not going to die and no one will judge you. My two best friends are virgins and there was no judgement!

[Stephanie]

I just lost my virginity sometimes in either late October or early November at the age of 20. I don't remember which month though. Either way, it wasn't a bad experience but I do regret it. I was glad to have that experience with someone who was caring enough to stop when I asked him to. I just wasn't into it. I knew for me, it was the wrong decision. Sex isn't all it's cracked up to be. It hurts like hell the first time. I'd recommend waiting until you're with someone who LOVES you, not just cares because then I'm sure it's a different experience...Oh, not to mention the fact he dumped me a month later...That was nice of him. So much for being friends for 10 years. We hardly talk now. Sex just isn't worth it. I'm now waiting until I'm married to have sex again.

[Megan]

I lost my virginity when I was 18. It was to a guy I had been with for four months. I dont think I loved him, but he was def special. I dont regret it because he was special, but we aren't together anymore of course.
Losing it created alot of emotional problems in our relationship. I began questioning if he liked me or was using me for sex, etc. anywho it caused a lot of fights.
i got too attached. if you're the type to get attached, do it with someone who will at least be decent to you cause it will take a while to get over it once you break up (and odds are, you will.)

[feministvirgin]

I'm 23 and still a virgin. I wish I had gotten this over with earlier, because the older I'm getting the harder it's getting. I think if I had lost my virginity at 18 to someone that didn't care about me, it would suck but at least I would have gottten it over with and could go on to have a normal sex life. Now, not only is my first time probably still going to suck, I've missed out on years that I could have been exploring my sexuality.

[REAL]

wow the things you said about older virgins is real alright

but i found a virgin who i guess turned his life into a wierd goal

he is obsessive of perfection

he talks wierd

and he wants a mansion and will never give up his virginity unless its a virgin

i think hes all explored out on sexuality

he doesnt do the normal sex i always see

theres alot more to i think he enjoys it though being a virgin