Sexyhusband sent me "The New Monogamy" from New York Magazine. The authors discuss all the different variations on monogamy that now exist, and how the concept has become rather fluid. As I read the article, I realized that Sexyhusband and I fit the definition of new monogamists.
Sexyhusband and I have always been candid with one another about our sexuality, who we're attracted to, what scenarios we fantasize about, and we've had the various adventures at strip clubs and the threesome. We would both say that we're monogamous. We would argue that we simply like to explore our sexuality together, and that sometimes requires the presence of a third person.
I've had some experiences with polyamory. Most of the people who claim to be polyamorous seem to just want to legitimately sleep around. I have met few people who actually can have several committed relationships, and those people have lots of rules about what is permissible and what isn't. Perhaps it's more honest to be monogamous with one person, but have rules about what constitutes monogamy for the two of you. Communication seems to be the key to healthy relationships.
I have said to Sexyhusband that cheating on me with another woman would constitute a huge betrayal but would not necessarily result in divorce. I know that for many women, that wouldn't be the case and that some women would even say that I'm daring him to go have an affair. For me, though, the issue that would bother me more is that Sexyhusband didn't feel as though he could talk to me about the crush and the desire to have sex with this other woman rather than the actual act.
You may be asking what then, constitutes a huge enough betrayal to result in a divorce if not sex with another woman. Repeated unsanctioned infidelity. Abuse. Betrayal on a large scale. I love my husband and it would take something like that for me not to be willing to work an issue out.
I wonder if our generation's redefining of monogamy has anything to do with almost all our parents divorcing when we were growing up. It seems that if your definitions of monogamy are too rigid, divorce is almost inevitable. If we make the boundaries more fluid, are we setting up a more stable marriage?
Maybe, as the authors of the article ponder, the web makes boundary fluidity necessary. It's almost too easy to cheat now. From web porn to instant messaging, it's entirely possible to have a separate life from that of your significant other. Some of the people I've felt most sorry for are the people I've talked to who have a secret web life that their SO knows nothing about because the SO would think that web porn, or writing erotica, or just looking at nakkid nerds makes you a pervert. And if you have to hide who you really are, even if it's just a part of you, you aren't able to participate in your relationship all the way because you're hiding part of yourself. It makes me relieved to know that Sexyhusband loves my perversions.
Having only been married for six months (I actually typed sex months, before I edited) I'm hardly the authority. It would be interesting though, to compare divorce rates of those of us with more fluid lines against those couples with more strict lines in twenty years or so.
Sounds like some good thinking there. Communication, open expectations, flexibility and honesty do more for a relationship than hard and fast rules. If a marridge or even stable relationdhip is defined my sexual fidelity alone, where is the necessity or impetus for honesty and growth? If good communication and sincere respect are the core, then a specific definition of fiedelity should (hopefully) flow naturally. I can't say that all the sexual issues in my marridge (which is also farily new) have been worked out yet, but the core is good, so I can be patient.
Posted by: Gorgeousmoments | January 14, 2007 at 11:16 PM
My entire blog has been about the journey my wife and I are on to define monogamy and polyamory in our lives. Much controversy has resulted, especially from polys who don't think I'm sufficiently doctrinaire. The goal has to be to define marriage for yourselves, and that may or may not mean totally monogamous sex, as it has not for you both (the threesome).
Posted by: tom paine | January 22, 2007 at 09:12 AM
I've also blogged about the subject.
I do think attitudes are changing. People expect different things within marriage now.
Men and women have more choice over who and why we marry. Therefore there is maybe more room within marriage to define what each party wants?
It's an interesting subject.
Posted by: puddlejumper | January 23, 2007 at 12:43 PM
This site deals with the divorce and its related to family and marriage. This site said that cheating on me with another woman would constitute a huge betrayal but would not necessarily result in divorce.
http://www.divorcelawyers.com
Posted by: shain | March 21, 2007 at 03:36 PM