Originally I wrote this as a column for Carnal Nation. However, my editor and I decided it just re-covered too much ground I'd gone over there. Thus I will use it here.
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As we bid 2009
farewell, my thoughts stray to the mistakes of the past year and the changes I
would like to make in 2010. This
is a parenting and sex column, so I won’t bore you with my more mundane
resolutions; instead we’ll focus on my sexy resolutions.
Resolution
#1-Remember that I’m DN, and not just Mommy
At first glance, this may not seem like a sexual
resolution. However, I can assure
you that it’s hard to focus on getting it on when you’re preoccupied with how
many ounces of milk your child drank and the cute thing that made you
laugh. When you are the primary
caregiver for your child, some of your interaction with your partner turns into
the status report so that he knows what’s up with the baby—a new word, a new
skill, a change in medication.
These communications are important, but also tend to keep me in my Mommy
shoes as opposed to my Wife or DN ones.
Taking time to be DN makes it easier to be sexual
Resolution #2—Have
sex
Again, a seemingly basic resolution. But as a mother of a young child,
especially a special needs child, sex can end up on the back burner. Last year there were several dry spells
of more than a month, and while there are a thousand excuses, none of them are
satisfying.
I’m not one of those “have sex N times a week” people-we
tried that and it was just pressure.
When it didn’t happen, I felt like a failure. When it did, there were plenty of occasions where it was
duty sex, which was also a mistake I made too frequently in the past.
I do think scheduling sex isn’t bad—getting a babysitter,
dropping the Little Mistress off and going home for sex instead of out for a
dinner and movie evening. It’s an
option and not one we’ve utilized the way we should.
We need to make a point of having sex instead of watching
The Daily Show or whatever…it’s really easy at the end of the day to lay in bed
and zone out for a while. But when
it’s time to have sex, it’s just too late and while the spirit is willing, the
flesh wants to sleep.
Having sex is a priority in 2010.
Resolution #3—Make an
effort to take time for my own orgasm
As I have said before, one of my biggest errors last year was not taking
time for my own orgasm. I noted in
last month’s column that there came a day where I went to use my trusty silver
bullet to get a quick orgasm while the baby napped, only to discover that the
batteries were dead from disuse. Taking
care of my partner instead of demanding my own orgasm so that I could just get
to sleep already was another mistake I made, because in making the sex about
him, unsurprisingly it made it less pleasurable and less desirable, creating a
spiral of negative emotion and negative feedback.
My partner and I both need to make my orgasm a
priority. On my own, a quick
orgasm makes it easier to relax, to get to sleep, or just as a quick jolt to my
day. With a partner, it helps
create a pleasurable (no pun intended) feedback loop that increases my sex
drive.
Making my orgasm a priority will help me have more sex in
2010.
Resolution #4—Start
going back to various classes, educational opportunities
I’m not talking about getting a second Master’s Degree…I’m
talking about classes in advanced flogging technique, introduction to fire
play, and improving your inner Domme.
I have attended lifestyle conventions, weekend classes, and
demo nights in the past, and found them to be not only a way to acquire or
improve a skill, but to meet other kinky people, and to get incredibly horny.
Classes have been an important lifeline for me. When I was pregnant, I went to Dark
Odyssey, and by participating in a petting zoo, I discovered a softer way to be
submissive. A class at Floating
World gave me the confidence to start hypnotizing my husband (something he had
been requesting for quite some time which I hadn’t felt comfortable
doing). Participating in a local BDSM
group helped us find community, and access to wonderful educational
opportunities.
In 2009, I rarely picked up or felt the sting of a cane or a
flogger. I hypnotized, but as it’s
not my kink, it wasn’t overly fulfilling.
We made two meetings of our BDSM group, and then didn’t even realize it
when our annual membership lapsed.
I wore fetishwear exactly once.
I am no less kinky a woman than I was before the Little
Mistress made her appearance.
However, in being her 24/7 service submissive, I forgot that I also like
to be a naughty little submissive to my partner and a bitchy domme to him as
well.
Resolution #5—Find
time to explore sex outside of my marriage
My partner and I have an open marriage in theory. In 2009, there was one occasion where
we exercised that option. Both of
us would like the chance to play with other people together and separately
(although mostly together) in 2010.
Perhaps there’s
nothing new here, and nothing any reader wouldn’t have predicted, but
nonetheless it was worth saying.
If a pregnant or new mom reads this, I want her to know that it’s okay
and it’s normal to struggle with how and where sex fits into your life with a
young child/children. It’s okay to
make the mistakes you’ll make as long as you realize what they are, and move
forward.
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